Boyfriends Controlling Ex stopping him seeing the kids

56 replies

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:08

Looking for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 12 months, we met at work and I currently live in the Middle East. He has two children 4 and 9 year old girls. I’m not a parent myself so looking for advice of this situation sounds unreasonable.

Boyfriend works away for large parts of time. A few months away and then home. His schedule is all a bit random but he pays maintenance and other expenses to the ex. Every-time he comes back his ex makes it so hard for him to see his children. She changes schedules and is just generally very un co-operative. She is so angry and I can understand to a certain extent as it must be hard in her shoes. But he genuinely is desperate to see the kids and it would be great to be able to give her a break too.

My partner is back in his home country again next week and I am flying with him. We really want to arrange so I can finally meet his children too but ex is being incredibly difficult. I get she does not like me and I am ok with that. We can’t make any plans and we really want to book some fun things to do with the kids. Any advice?

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/07/2024 12:55

She could also be concerned that if he's found himself a prospective stepmother that he's going to abduct them somewhere she'd not be able to get them back from.

Original poster

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 19:20

Thanks for all your feedback. A lot to think about.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2024 19:24

Anothnamechang · 07/07/2024 00:24

From a ‘controlling ex’s’ perspective, please stay out of it. You will only vilify yourself.

I was made out to be the controlling ex who stopped my ex seeing our children. It couldn’t be further from the truth, he was more than welcome to see our children. Infact he was offered on many occasions and at one point played the victim so well that the nursery facilitated contact for him and our youngest arranged between him and the nursery. After it happened the manager told me they had a great contact and they really encourage me to keep it up. Well you could’ve picked the managers jaw from the ground when I showed her the email from his solicitor advising he didn’t wish contact as it wasn’t in the best interest of him and our children…. Ofcourse his now ex partner fell hook line and sinker for his fathers for justice fight and stood by him all the way. Until she had a child with him and he done the exact same, now me and a good few of his exs with his children are actually friendly and currently being vilified by current partner.

This is a tail as old as time

Never ever ever believe the crazy ex story

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2024 19:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 00:29

From the ex's point of view:

My useless ex spends barely any time with my 4 and 9 yo girls. I parent alone for months on end but when he graces us with his presence he wants access immediately on his terms. The girls barely know him and find this all or nothing really hard. Upset when he arrives, devastated when he leaves again. Now he is planning to use the very small amount of time he has with them to introduce his GF. A stranger when he's barely more than a stranger himself. More confusion and loss for them. What should I do?

this

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2024 19:26

doobadoo · 07/07/2024 00:46

The overwhelming consensus seems to be I should not meet them. This is somewhat disappointing as we have been talking about settling in the UK (visa dependent) in the next year or two. I feel like I’ve heard so much about the children and I really would love to meet them. But I can understand that now may not be the best time after all.

I do understand the comments that he is not a particularly present dad to his girls, but I can say he does have their financial best interests at heart. He pays above the odds and they have a good quality of life thanks to his job. So a change of job would most likely mean a change of lifestyle for them.

There is ongoing solicitor disputes regarding the financials but I keep well out of that as I agree it is none of my business.

Boyfriend’s concern with seeking an access order is it is tricky for him to commit to any specific schedule at this point in time. How would it likely work in these circumstances?

He should
Be able to say eg a long weekend five times a year and give options of dates he could do this a year in advance

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2024 19:30

IF you decide you want to have children with him get married first so you're financially protected. But be warned that he loved his ex once and he will treat you and your future child exactly how he treats her if it suits him to one day. He ha shown you who he is believe him.

I believed the 'my ex was crazy' story and then got engaged and pregnant with someone... look at my username! He left before our baby was even born

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