Is it always another woman?

[Suspicioussister]

DB and SIL splitting after 15 years together. Two young boys under 5. My SIL is distraught and my DB has simply said he’s instigated it because he’s not been happy for a long time and can’t continue any longer.

Feeling extremely cynical and suspect another woman is involved but I’ll probably never know the truth but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if a new girlfriend is shortly on the scene. Feeling very sad for my SIL who I adore and has been blindsided by this. My DB is refusing any suggestions of marriage counselling and wants to get divorced asap.

The rest of the family are not quite as cynical as me and are taking my DB’s version of events at face value (despite not understanding why). I just think DB’s life is going to be financially worse, he’s facing a whole lot of grief from all sides of the family plus the boys will be very upset, they may have to sell the family home etc.

Maybe I’m being to harsh towards my DB but I’m curious whether anyone actually knows any man that has ended a marriage with young kids and there is no other woman involved? I can’t think of a single one that I know personally.

Yes, out of the ones I have known it always is, including my friends dad who is in his 70's and they had been together over 45 years and for months my friend was saying he just wasn't happy etc, maybe it was mental health related, then after a few months along comes this woman who he is now living with, he did the usual, I've been unhappy for years etc, same script. He had been with her/talking to her before he left her Mum.

She now knows it was another woman but wouldn't believe it at the time cos her dad 'wasn't like that'

I've always known it to be another woman, or their head has been turned and they want to pursue things more easily.

Women I know on the other hand have left for many reasons and none of them another man although I'm sure it happens.

It's almost certain that there's another woman waiting in the background
It's such a common thing for men and women alike to have a backup sadly
The age old I'm not happy/don't love you anymore

Because many times if the third party didn't come along the split wouldn't happen. The couple would plod along together, not exactly ecstatic, but a functional partnership, who might even warm up to one another again once whatever tedium/life stress that had them thinking the grass was greener had passed. Also when a person leaves with no one else to go to, there's hope, no one cheated, so less to forgive, it might just be a phase etc. I get completely why it matters.

It always has been in my experience, yes. I will bet money another woman appears on the scene soon in this case too.

Mostly although a friend finished her marriage after realizing she couldn't cope with him drinking a bottle of whisky a day. She and he are still single and no interest in anyone else two years later. Also got two friends who ended the marriage after a few years of being beaten. One walked away no issues, the other lucky to get away alive. But you right mostly it's due to someone else.

When my DBIL left his wife after 20 years together, he did his best to maintain the fiction that there was no one else - and his immediate family chose to believe that . We didn’t - and duly the person his wife named as the most likely person to be the other woman ( and who had coincidentally left her husband 6 weeks before ) was duly unveiled as his new girlfriend a year later . One of the reasons we didn’t believe him was that he was really very rich indeed and had been planning it for ages - but actually came and plonked himself with us two hours drive from his 3 kids when he could easily have rented somewhere or just stayed at a hotel . As a friend observed that was exactly what he did as a smokescreen to pretend there wasn’t another women. Wishing your SIL all the strength she will need for the coming months . I am still close to my former SIL some 28 years later !!

As a PP said generally men like a quiet, facilitated life too much to leave unless someone else is offering them the same perks (sex, housework, food, pretending to be interested in his stories) elsewhere. As they get older, men tend to become very set on their ways and dislike change so they rarely do it unless there’s an immediate temptation.

A lot of women get bored of men and often bristle at the lack of fairness in their marriage, being taken for granted and the sense that their needs are always secondary. This is why women leave. Menopause in particular is a common catalyst for this. Women usually leave men to be alone rather than burden themselves with a different flavour of dependance from a different man. Who would want to escape this just to go through it all again with a different man?

I honestly think a majority of women would check out if so many of them weren’t financially dependent. Marriage is generally a much better deal for men than it is for women.

.....puts glass of wine back down.....

Normally there is can’t say I’ve seen a divorce where there isn’t though normally the story is been miserable for years yada yada.

Depsite the loved up photos, future planning sometimes even planned babies and new mortgages yet they claim sadness for years…. Hmmm

A new gf always appears within months who he tends to of been working with as a new hire / transfer for the last year

It usually is another woman though isn't it?

I'd feel sorry for your sil too, if you're close and good friends, maybe reach out and say your happy to meet up and do play dates etc if that's what you'd normally do, there's no reason for the kids to miss out if you're all close.

Even if they haven’t started sleeping together yet it’s normally a huge emotional affair declared feelings but if only I was single/if only you where single. Leading ons. Then suddenly the wife is fish wife.

Men are mostly like monkeys… a hand firmly on that next branch before they let go of the first.

That's absolutely fucking awful of him. He obviously didn't wear a condom! He could have taken an equal responsibility on contraception instead of leaving his wife do it all.

Then he left her?

What a shite man.

What the wife did was shite too.

dad was an alkie

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't Think anyone is blaming ow/om.

It has always been surprise and shock about the revelation of long term unhappiness felt by every single one of those who have split in my friendship groups (I'm talking about 11 - perhaps not a significant stat), followed by the revelation of an affair partner.

It usually happens when their dcs reach secondary school.

Still, there are myriad different experiences out there.

I still firmly believe men very rarely leave without an ow waiting.

Nah, come on. There's a difference between a genuine accident and deliberate deception. It's comparable to stealthing imo.

My DB ended his marriage with small kids and no OW was involved.

Like your brother, he wasn't happy and when he tried to raise it with ex SIL, she shut him down.

I always wonder when ppl say they're blindsided, if they just ignored the reality of what was happening.

It sounds like your DB has checked out of the marriage, and she had no idea, hence he doesn't want counselling.
I suggested the same to my DB and ex SIL, but by then it was too late.

I'll never know if there was an OW on the scene when my ex broke up our family. I never heard about anyone but his friends are sly and he could have easily had met someone at his work as he had before we were together.

He may have been shagging someone and then it ended. Ill probably never know and don't bother tormenting myself tbh.

Totally agree with this. I can't bear those who defend awfully behaviour cos fammmly.

Ending a marriage if you're not happy doesn't make him a twat as a pp so eloquently put it.

It's better than staying when he's no longer in love with her, whether he has another woman or not. She deserves better than that.

Ploding along in a marriage isn't good enough.

Not always, but in my experience, usually. Men aren't good at being alone (I know there'll be a zillion retorts to this about Great Uncle Gerald who's happily lived in a cave for 50 years, good for him) and they don't tend to leave for an empty bed.

My Dad was a serial adulterer, must have chatted on my Mum with 20 women, including her sister. When he finally decided he wanted a divorce, he actually didn't have anyone else on the go. (This is definitely true, he was a religious diary keeper and I've read them)

One of my best friends is also currently divorcing. I'm as confident as I can be that he's not seeing anyone else (mainly because he keeps asking me to go down the pub with him nightly!). He just couldn't cope with the bickering any more, after 4 years of marriage he just realised fundamentally didn't like each other.

Well this is exactly what I was thinking.

My late father-in-law (who I never met) apparently left his second wife due to her mental health issues that led to domestic violence. This would have been the early 1960s. He outlived his first wife, and the third wife (My MIL) outlived him. She was very much not not on the scene when he left his second wife.

Whatever has gone on here (and you won't know all the ins & outs of their marriage if you didn't live with it) is that a lot of people are going to need a lot of support. If you love them, you will offer it.

Yes, I know one too. It was so bad social services were involved and she wasn't allowed to be left alone with the kids. Mind you, he was a serial adulterer.

Also know a man who divorced his newish wife - who he married when they were early 40s - because he discovered she'd lied about her age, and he wanted kids and they were going for IVF and then he found out she was older than she'd said. No other woman.

Usually yes. When my exH left me with 2 young DC for OW and I was at my experienced GPs asking for pills for stress, my GP was quite confident that men can often do this (reassuring me it wasn't just me who was conned). Men usually wait for a soft landing (on new pillow) before leaving, while women are more upfront on wanting to resolve issues.