Is it always another woman?

[Suspicioussister]

DB and SIL splitting after 15 years together. Two young boys under 5. My SIL is distraught and my DB has simply said he’s instigated it because he’s not been happy for a long time and can’t continue any longer.

Feeling extremely cynical and suspect another woman is involved but I’ll probably never know the truth but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if a new girlfriend is shortly on the scene. Feeling very sad for my SIL who I adore and has been blindsided by this. My DB is refusing any suggestions of marriage counselling and wants to get divorced asap.

The rest of the family are not quite as cynical as me and are taking my DB’s version of events at face value (despite not understanding why). I just think DB’s life is going to be financially worse, he’s facing a whole lot of grief from all sides of the family plus the boys will be very upset, they may have to sell the family home etc.

Maybe I’m being to harsh towards my DB but I’m curious whether anyone actually knows any man that has ended a marriage with young kids and there is no other woman involved? I can’t think of a single one that I know personally.

Of course it isn’t always.

But equally often even the idea that they could imagine something with another person is what makes them realise the relationship was dead long before.

Even when there is another party it isn’t always the reason for the split, often it’s just the push.

Another woman usually, sometimes another man.

The man usually follows The Script.
'There's no one else, fallen out of love, DW is unreasonable/unhinged blah blah blah.
Meets the other woman within weeks of moving out.'

What's really happened is his head's been turned, he's thinking with his dick, it's 'his DW's fault not his', and he's either been shagging the OW or wants to.

My now dh. He left his first wife because she was controlling and he couldn't take it anymore. No other woman involved and he was single for a little while I believe. And yes, small children... he'd suggested marriage counselling, but she'd refused.

I agree. I finished my first marriage for that reason. There was nobody else on the scene for years.

If you have a good relationship with your SIL I think you should try to stay in touch with her, as much for the children's sake as anything.
Obviously it can be tricky but it is possible to do and can help your DB and his wife to establish an amicable relationship going forward.
At the end of the day the welfare of your nephews is paramount.

Women tend to be more financially tied as well.

if they’ve given up work, reduced their hours to be the main child carer they can’t afford to walk out. Even if they could, that dynamic means it’s much harder to leave the kids as they know dad hasn’t been doing the day to day parenting and with working full time there’s no childcare in place if they did leave, so he’d have to give up work and they’d all be in the financial shit.

my brother left because his wife was shagging someone else. He did the gentlemanly thing and didn’t let on. She was devastated for a while when she realised she’d been caught and the marriage was over, but soon had OM moved in.

I think anyone who announces they have been unhappy for ages and gets to the point of leaving while the other party has no idea is not at all behaving respectfully and taking away any chance for the family unit to survive. When ex left (for OW in his case but he didn't deny it when I found out) what was really hard to cope with was the idea that I had had no say or input into the ending of the marriage. He decided it all by himself for both of us and our children.
OP I disagree with the pp who says that he's your DB so you have to support him regardless. If he's been a twat and does not do absolutely the right thing by SIL and kids with regard to finances, ongoing childcare etc then I really hope you won't condone it on the basis of family only. People are people and blood relationships don't or shouldn't always trump everything.

My closest male friend ended his marriage after his wife drunkenly confessed that their "whoopsy" baby was actually planned by her, she'd stopped taking contraception after he'd been explicit he didn't want another. Definitely no OW there.

It's not always another woman. I know people who have left the marriage because they were very unhappy in the relationship. No-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Having said that, it quite often is an affair or having met someone they're attracted to. Either way, try not to get involved with DB/SIL situation and take sides - which is hard I know. Be there for your little nephews and offer to help out with them.

My DB left his wife suddenly and moved in with us. I know there was no OW because he didn’t leave his bedroom. First, with depression and then because of lockdown a few months later. He didn’t date again for around three years. I’d say it’s usually an OW, but not always.

No matter what, give your SIL plenty of support. When it happened to me, I never heard from my ex SIL and BIL again.

Not always. Sometimes it's massive debt, gambling or drugs. But nearly always.

This.

I know plenty of men who have been unhappy in their marriages for a long time. But they put up and shut up until there is another woman for them to shack up with.

Who else will give them sex and wash their clothes?

Avoid taking sides or getting into their drama triangle. You don't need to know details.
They might be back together in the near future.

Playing devil’s advocate … Are you sure that SIL is telling the truth and he isn’t using the generic “not happy” excuse because he doesn’t want to tell you about SIL doing something wrong because you’re all close to her ?

If it’s an affair then the new partner will appear in due course.

Does it matter? And if so, why? I don't get it. The point is he no longer wants to be married. Perhaps it took another woman to make him realise that, perhaps it was the way his wife stacked the dishwasher - the result is the same. I don't get the obsession people have over third parties - the marriage is between two people and one wants out. Sad for everyone, devastating if the decision is not yours, but it seems to be a denial that the problem is between the couple.

Friends of mine dh left as hadn’t been happy for years. His wife was a slob which is fine in itself if you pick up after yourself, she never did. He couldn’t take cleaning up after her all the time, every weekend all day. He lasted 10 years but said he hadn’t been happy for a long time. I helped her clean once right after the divorce and it was bad. Really bad. A few weeks later it was back to the original condition and I never helped her again so I can see why he left!!

See I actually see this the other way around. I think a lot of the time the compatibility and respect goes out of a marriage years before a split gets triggered. People stay for the children or for the money and because there’s no obvious catalyst to do anything else.

The OW or OM is the catalyst and quite often it’s not really about them it’s about what they represent, ie freedom or youth of not having to do things you are committed to.

It’s reprehensible obviously but I think sometimes instead of blaming the affair partners the couple needs to be far more honest about why they didn’t admit to themselves earlier on that the marriage was over and separate with dignity without bringing other people in.

Most people don’t have the balls to leave a marriage until a carrot is dangled in front of them.

Definitely not always another woman (or man). Of the four couples I know who have split over the past 4 years, only 1 of the 8 people involved is now in a relationship, and I believe that relationship began after the end of the relationship.
I hate how MN always warn of an affair being responsible for the marriage breakdown, and seem invariably correct. That is not my lived experience.

Agree with this. I can’t even write what my ex did, his family not only stood by him but cut me off too. I’ve no other family in this country so it’s really awful. And DC misses out too

Time will tell. Take care of your nephews and your sister-in-law.

It usually is

They then suddenly remember than they have been miserable for years 🙄

Not always but usually I would say.
My ex cheated on me, I found out and he begged me for another chance. Said he would go to marriage counselling, anything I wanted. I said no and all of a sudden I was the bad guy. Everyone turned on me! Because I wouldn’t give him another chance.
We divorced and he married the OW 😆 yeah in my own experience there’s usually a third party involved.

Sadly I agree with others, my experience is that women end marriages to be alone and men end them to be with someone else.

I hear men only leave when the next woman is lined up.

If it is another women is lined up, I wouldn’t be making DB or her welcome any time soon.