Am I being gaslit?

[HeartyLilacFish]

will try to cut a long story short..Me and my partner of 5 years got married last summer and fell pregnant in December - a baby we had discussed and both wanted. Fast forward to April and I wake up in the middle of the night to him not being home.

After a few initial lies, he admits that he was out on a drive with a girl from work to talk about how unhappy he was in our seemingly happy marriage. He has then said about multiple mental health issues, despite being able to socialise with friends daily.

over the next few weeks he refuses to see me and even last minute signed himself up to go on a school residential trip on my birthday weekend, despite having a trip booked for us that he was not well enough for. Before going on the trip he sends me a text message ending our marriage.

He then tries to tell me that he didn’t expect I would have moved out of the house and that maybe things would have been different if I was there when he needed me but it was too late now.

Im now 8 months pregnant and over the last week I have been told of 3 different rumours of him seeing different women. When I have asked about this, it’s all my fault for overreacting and I’m crazy.

last night, he doesn’t reply for two hours and then says ‘sorry I was having dinner with a friend’. When I asked if it was a girl he says ‘yeah, an old friend from school’ and then goes to sleep and refuses to answer my questions because they’re ridiculous?
he doesn’t understand why this would upset me and thinks he was being nice by being honest.

AIBU

Oh gosh I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s absolutely hideous. Yes he’s gaslighting you. It’s such a shock to find out the person you thought you knew isn’t who you thought they were. Have you got some support?

It’s absolutely broken me tbh. Thankfully I have the best support network 🫶🏻

Are you getting any counselling for yourself? You don’t have to make any decisions about anything, sometimes just getting through the day is a win, and that’s ok.

No, we are on the waiting list for family therapy to think about a plan for when baby is here. He is having therapy

Hard to take but he has moved on and u need to learn to let go.

It doesn't matter if the specific thing he's doing is gaslighting or not. He's been manipulating you, lying to you, treating you badly, whilst you're heavily pregnant. He is acting appallingly all round.

Are you still living with him?

Bloody hell, what a bastard. Hope you're ok, you and your baby deserve better.

It's an awful situation. But I am a bit confused.

He sent you a text ending the marriage then said it might have worked out if you hadn't moved out?

Is there a back story?

But nonetheless, you are soon to give birth. Do you have friends and family close by?

Constantly fucking someone else and just lying to you about everything

No, luckily I had the option of moving back home with my parents. He has suggested me moving back in for a year to coparent which was apparently suggested by his counsellor.

Who gets up from the bed of his pregnant sleeping wife to drive another woman around? You must be distraught, so sorry he is putting you through this. It's awful that he is ruining such a special time.

You are totally being gaslit and he will continue to do it. He will blame you for leaving the house, for not leaving the house, for asking who he is with or not caring who he is with. For listening to rumours and not believing him. He is mental shapeshifter at the moment. You can't trust him.

As hard as it is - concentrate on getting ready for your new baby. If you can, gather together documents and papers etc. You will have too much to do when baby arrives.

Good luck OP

I wish I could say there was more of a backstory. He said that I should have known he wasn’t thinking straight when he sent that text and then went away for the weekend with no option of talking it through and that he was shocked that I had moved out.

Don't have counselling with him or move back in. He's being manipulative and unpleasant and I can't believe that a counsellor with your best interests in mind would suggest moving back in with him to "co-parent".

You're a single parent. The best you'll get is him being an OK Dad by the sounds of it.

He told you by text that the marriage was over and he is suprised that you moved out??? What planet is he on?

My guess is that he hoped that by telling you it was over, you would forgive him for his poor behaviour in order to continue the relationship. He was not expecting you to stand up for yourself and not accept that kind of shitty behaviour.

He's an untrustworthy, dishonest scumbag.

If he had come back from his 'breakdown' and apologised profusely... maybe you could have worked things out.

Has he ever apologised/explained?

Oh and £10 says his counsellor didn't suggest you move back in.

I'd start divorce proceedings.

He is a narcissist for sure . I was in your situation whilst pregnant with my DD10 i took him back when she was newborn and he was so so sorry for what he put me through! until he did it again and again . 11 years on and i am a broken person after suffering years and years of his gas lighting and narc abuse. i have finally left , (he is still trying to destroy me now).
Run while you can! he will make you give up everything to be his nothing.

I have had an apology for how he did it but he is happy with his choice.

the explanations have changed from me being a bit untidy and him saying he has ocd, his mental health, worried about not being able to support us financially, to just falling out of love.

So he goes out with other women and doesn't reply to your messages. And this is how be behaves when he wants to work things out.

That would be a no thanks from me.

You and your baby deserve better.

the explanations have changed from me being a bit untidy and him saying he has ocd, his mental health, worried about not being able to support us financially, to just falling out of love.

So he's literally playing the full house here.

Cut your losses, get the divorce underway.

No matter what you do everything is your fault. Because otherwise he would need to take a long hard look at himself and accept responsibility.

He doesn't want a child. He wants sex, his pants washed and whatever else your marriage gave him without requiring any responsibility from him.

Stop worrying about what he wants and focus on yourself. Tell him to leave you alone and you'll be in touch once the baby is born to sort out custody and maintenance. Start divorce proceedings and get the house up for sale.

Tell his counsellor to go live with him for a year and put up with his crap !

Please please, I beg you, get this man out of your life now.

If you carry on like this he will destroy you mentally and emotionally. Get out now make a clean break, never see him again if you can possibly help it.

You have this chance to save your self, take it.

you need to be a hundred percent in order to be strong enough to give birth and to raise that baby. This is your 100% priority right now so boot this useless piece of shit out of your life. He doesn't deserve you, and doesn't deserve to have a baby. What an absolute idiot he has been.

Don't do this.
He has moved on.
He doesn't show care or respect to his wife or unborn child by causing this level of stress.
Now you need to prioritise you and your baby. He is no longer your concern other than supporting a relationship between him and his child.
Draw a line in the sand. Put new boundaries in now.
He is manipulative I would be concerned with meeting up on your own with him.
And a reminder that he is not entitled to be there at the birth as that is your medical decision. I would suggest getting a birth partner who is actually there to support you in what will likely be the most vunerable time of your life. He can meet the baby after.
Lastly, I don't know what the rules are when married, but when registering the baby consider what surname you want your child to have if that is an option.

Please do not move back in with him and do not go to family therapy with him.

Whatever the reason for his appalling behaviour it's quite clear that he does not know what he wants one minute to the next. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to dance to his tune when he is so inconsistent.

Think about what you need to be supported with a new born baby, put yourself and the baby first. He's an adult and whatever challenges he's facing he needs to take responsibility for sorting to them out, that is not your job, a new baby will be more than enough for you to deal with.

If he wants contact with the baby he needs to take responsibility for arranging that.
Don't assume the responsibility of making sure he has a relationship with your child, don't be obstructive but equally don't be manipulated into jumping through hoops to accommodate his every demand.