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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being gaslit?

59 replies

HeartyLilacFish · 06/07/2024 18:49

will try to cut a long story short..Me and my partner of 5 years got married last summer and fell pregnant in December - a baby we had discussed and both wanted. Fast forward to April and I wake up in the middle of the night to him not being home.

After a few initial lies, he admits that he was out on a drive with a girl from work to talk about how unhappy he was in our seemingly happy marriage. He has then said about multiple mental health issues, despite being able to socialise with friends daily.

over the next few weeks he refuses to see me and even last minute signed himself up to go on a school residential trip on my birthday weekend, despite having a trip booked for us that he was not well enough for. Before going on the trip he sends me a text message ending our marriage.

He then tries to tell me that he didn’t expect I would have moved out of the house and that maybe things would have been different if I was there when he needed me but it was too late now.

Im now 8 months pregnant and over the last week I have been told of 3 different rumours of him seeing different women. When I have asked about this, it’s all my fault for overreacting and I’m crazy.

last night, he doesn’t reply for two hours and then says ‘sorry I was having dinner with a friend’. When I asked if it was a girl he says ‘yeah, an old friend from school’ and then goes to sleep and refuses to answer my questions because they’re ridiculous?
he doesn’t understand why this would upset me and thinks he was being nice by being honest.

AIBU

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/07/2024 12:22

@HeartyLilacFish OK girl! he has now lost the right to attend the birth of your baby. do not inform him when you are going to hospital. get yourself a new birthing partner. sort out the finances and get baby things moved, if poss, to your parents house temporarily. if the house is rented can you get his name taken off? can you get new locks? prepare for the worst and expect the best. he does not any longer have the right to see you in any state of undress so no attendance at the hospital. just inform him you have had the baby when you are home. you have to be strong here. and remember his parents also have no rights at all for visitation!!

TeaGinandFags · 07/07/2024 12:25

Divorce the bastard.

If he wants to coparent, which he doesn't, separate addresses are fine.

What he wants is housekeeping and sex on demand. Don't fall for his shit.

See a solicitor and take your mum. She will bolster you up and make sure this excuse of a man is taken to the cleaners.

Keep everything in a diary so all his shit is recorded.

He was lying to you from the beginning and will disappear from your life the minute you stand up to him. This will be a good thing.

Leafygreen84 · 07/07/2024 12:29

Fucking hell. I am so sorry you’re going through this. He’s a twat please don’t move in with him to co parent! Basically wants to spend unlimited time with his baby while YOU do all the work and he can skip about seeing whoever he wants and doing as he pleases! Dont let him away with it!

Ribenaberry12 · 07/07/2024 12:31

I worked with a guy like you are describing years ago. Was shagging his way round the staffroom whilst his missus was bringing up their young daughter. Bin him off, you deserve better.

VotesForWomen · 07/07/2024 13:14

Find your self-esteem, and do what is best for YOU and for your child from now on. Do it ruthlessly. If he doesn't want to be married to you he doesn't get to decide where you live or what you do.

changedwwyd · 07/07/2024 13:52

HeartyLilacFish · 06/07/2024 20:01

I wish I could say there was more of a backstory. He said that I should have known he wasn’t thinking straight when he sent that text and then went away for the weekend with no option of talking it through and that he was shocked that I had moved out.

Sounds like he was ready to move on with the OW from work and the weekend together did not work out so he hoped to come home to you....

👏👏👏 you had moved out and not there waiting to play the pick me dance and put up with him and his gaslighting BS.

You deserve the best OP, I bet in the future you will be happy with an amazing DP and think thank goodness I did not fall for that gaslighting creep's BS!

Wishing you all the best OP sounds like you are one strong 💪 woman and have a good support network IRL.

HeartyLilacFish · 07/07/2024 14:00

changedwwyd · 07/07/2024 13:52

Sounds like he was ready to move on with the OW from work and the weekend together did not work out so he hoped to come home to you....

👏👏👏 you had moved out and not there waiting to play the pick me dance and put up with him and his gaslighting BS.

You deserve the best OP, I bet in the future you will be happy with an amazing DP and think thank goodness I did not fall for that gaslighting creep's BS!

Wishing you all the best OP sounds like you are one strong 💪 woman and have a good support network IRL.

Thankyou 🫶🏻
the validation I’ve felt since posting this has really helped, long road ahead!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2024 14:20

Do you have someone supportive who will be with you when you're in labour? Mum or sister?

Someone who you trust to advocate for you if its hard or long.

HeartyLilacFish · 07/07/2024 14:31

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2024 14:20

Do you have someone supportive who will be with you when you're in labour? Mum or sister?

Someone who you trust to advocate for you if its hard or long.

My mum will be there every step of the way thank goodness 🩷

OP posts:
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