Am I being gaslit?

[HeartyLilacFish]

will try to cut a long story short..Me and my partner of 5 years got married last summer and fell pregnant in December - a baby we had discussed and both wanted. Fast forward to April and I wake up in the middle of the night to him not being home.

After a few initial lies, he admits that he was out on a drive with a girl from work to talk about how unhappy he was in our seemingly happy marriage. He has then said about multiple mental health issues, despite being able to socialise with friends daily.

over the next few weeks he refuses to see me and even last minute signed himself up to go on a school residential trip on my birthday weekend, despite having a trip booked for us that he was not well enough for. Before going on the trip he sends me a text message ending our marriage.

He then tries to tell me that he didn’t expect I would have moved out of the house and that maybe things would have been different if I was there when he needed me but it was too late now.

Im now 8 months pregnant and over the last week I have been told of 3 different rumours of him seeing different women. When I have asked about this, it’s all my fault for overreacting and I’m crazy.

last night, he doesn’t reply for two hours and then says ‘sorry I was having dinner with a friend’. When I asked if it was a girl he says ‘yeah, an old friend from school’ and then goes to sleep and refuses to answer my questions because they’re ridiculous?
he doesn’t understand why this would upset me and thinks he was being nice by being honest.

AIBU

I don't want to be insensitive, but have you started the divorce proceedings? Cut him off completely and only deal with him via your solicitor for your own sanity.

His counsellor will not have said that. Also he’ll be feeding them bullshit, it will all be a sob story.

What a pathetic man.
You need to prepare yourself for being a single parent here.

I voted YABU but simply because it’s absolutely obvious that he’s checked out of this relationship and, sorry to say, I think you need to cut your losses, get your money out and start your life as a single parent.

Yes he’s shagging other people. No doubt. You being there when he got back would not have made any difference- he’s just trying to make excuses. It’s very unlikely that his counsellor would have suggested living together, he’s just trying to mess with your head. Chalk this one up to experience, if he is going to be in the baby’s life establish very clear boundaries and keep to them.

He wants absolutely everything his way and you are not meant to say a thing and must take full blame for everything he does. You are meant to hang around on the off chance he gets bored of the other women he is with and decides to return to his pregnant wife?? Who does he think he is? Henry VIII??!!

Stay with your family and file for divorce. It’s very sad, and very bad timing, but you cannot let him mess with your head any longer. He’s not sorry and he’s not even trying. Bin him! You will have a baby very soon. You have much more important things to sort out and look after. Channel all your love and attention into the baby.

He could have a mental health problem, or he could just be messing you about. Either way....you need to you and your baby first and do whatever is best for you. Personally I couldn't deal with the drama.

It’s so hard to know which is the truth!

It doesn't really matter. He is not worthy of being your partner. He is gaslighting you. The more communication you have with him the more he will gaslight you. Reduce it as much as you can. He will always try to mess with your head to suit his own selfish purposes. Focus on you and the baby and what you need without him. Don't put him on the birth certificate. He may step up as a father but if he doesn't it won't be a great loss to your child's life as he is so selfish that he won't be able to put their interests first.

If you haven't done already, seek legal advice. I know it's not free, but it's the best way of protecting yourself.

I’m so sorry what an absolute shit head, sending you a hand hold you and your baby don’t deserve this

I am not sure you are being gaslit, I think he’s just a lying twat. It’s funny how these “mental health problems” never result in them spending time with Malcolm from accounts or 60 year old Beryl from the canteen. It’s always always with a woman they are interested in. Such horseshit. He can be as “shocked” as he wants that you’ve moved out, but tough shit. Does he really think you’ll just hang around whilst he fucks about “finding himself” (which actually involves finding out if said other woman will take him). Any person who behaves like this isn’t worth your time.
Start divorce proceeding asap and don’t look back. I fear he will have very little involvement in your child’s life so build your support network and don’t listen to another word he says.

Yep Apparantly I should have known that he wasn’t thinking straight and should have been there for him when I got back.
Despite me begging for a conversation and him ‘needing space’ When I told him that it was making me physically unwell as I couldn’t eat or sleep (6 months pregnant) as I was so distraught he told me to call 111.

Hello @HeartyLilacFish so sorry to hear you are dealing with this at such a difficult time. I am also 8 months pregnant with a husband who upped and left with no explanation. I have been trying to wrap my head around it all but realised I cannot change things. I've sent you a PM see you have a great network and I'm lucky to have the same however know that they can't truly understand what I'm going through.

What mental health problem does he have that allows him to attend events/meals/holidays but not speak to his pregnant wife?

Its BS.

If the advice regarding co-parenting came from someone you are both seeing for counselling, I’d consider finding a better counsellor. If your ex is telling you his counsellor said this, take it with a very large pinch of salt. Whatever the reasons, this man is far too unreliable and chaotic to be any sort of parent or partner.

He's a bastard, one of the worst kind.

You need to get legal advice ASAP, keep this fucker at arm's length in every way, and focus on you and your baby. Find your rage, he's treated you and your baby like absolute shit and he deserves fuck all of you.

Just his counseller. We haven’t started the family one yet.

she then Apparantly suggested that if that was not an option, he could move out of the house we shared and me move back in with the baby away from my support network so that he is able to visit more freely 🙃

Never mind gaslit you are on fire. Don’t look back

Do you know that's not true?

She definitely didn't say that.

(Unless he told her an extremely different version of events. Which is possible, clearly the lies trip of his tongue effortlessly)

Yes not a single part of me believed it or considered it as an option!

i thought counsellors were supposed to listen, and facilitate their patients to explore their feelings. NOT give advice about what their patients should do.

Glad to hear you have a good support network, and you're no longer in the same house as this jerky dude. Hope your midwife team is being supportive as well.

If he signed up for a school residential trip, does this mean he works as a teacher? That's good news - he'll be easy to find when it comes to getting child maintenance in the future (unlike guys who claim to be 'self-employed' but earning very little) - but I echo what other posters have said about not putting his name on the birth certificate, and not bending over backwards to any demands from him about visiting you and your brand new baby whenever he feels like it (or any unsupervised contact).

Totally agree. In no world would I be better off living alone with a newborn in his house away from my family 🤦🏻‍♀️ baffled me at the time to think that a professional would ever suggest that but my feelings have been validated that this was never the case, despite his lies.

Yeah they seem to be effortless. Hardest part is not knowing what he has said to others about the situation, probably portrayed me as a crazy psycho ex when I’ve literally done nothing wrong.. apart from fall in love with the wrong man. even took him a fathers day present because I knew that would be a difficult day for him - mug!

Wow, he is a piece of shit of the highest order. Please get this man out of your life and get all the support you can from your family and friends. Your life will be much better without that disappointment of a man.

Don't have therapy with this man, its not recommended that you go for therapy with someone who is abusing you. Stop trying to understand him or fix the relationship.
Focus on yourself and meeting your own needs.