To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Some people like to separate washing unto whites, lights and dark clothing, others into just whites, darks and towels, and some just like to not bother and just shove into the washing machine. Just like life, everyone has a choice and each persons choice shouldn't be derided just because its different to 'your' choice.

In the OP's situation they and their partner have differing attitudes in how to do the laundry. OP does it with care and attention and their partner doesn't.

OP knows by now what their partners attitude is, but still expects them to care, which they won't. So why after so many instances of the partner not caring, do they expect any different?

After the first few instances any other person would have said enough, I will do it myself, or more importantly said I will do my own laundry and you do yours.

It seems that the OP wants to be perpetually annoyed with the partner, and this is the peg to hang it on. Why is that, OP?

Just do your own washing?

This. I wash all sorts of things together and never had issues. Just do your own washing if it matters to you

Well lucky you and your husband paired up, I'd say.

Simply RUINED!

Different people are different 🤷🏻

Think the point is here that if he’s determined to wash everything all together then he could just say so and they could all be done with it

Pretty odd to purposely keep doing it but then claiming it was an accident and he’s sooooo sorry

Just communicate like an adult 🤷🏻😆

If my DH consistently 'ruined' my clothes I would, without a song and dance, just wash my own clothes.

And I would appreciate that whereas laundry isn't his forte, there are many, many things that he's much better at than I am.

WTF? Take the key off her!

I mean, guys - you'll all be dead before you know it. Is this what you want to spend finite days on earth doing?

Just buy red knickers.

I made my Mr reimburse me for a very expensive dress that we washed and ruined with wild abandon, thinking he was being helpful. Now, we have two baskets (one for whites and one for colours) and spot for delicates. He is not authorised to wash delicates but otherwise he copes well with washing and tumble dryer. Never done it again.. . .

Wow, so many people missing the point.

OP wasn't asking for advice on how to do the laundry. She's trying to understand why her apparently intelligent husband routinely fucks it up so badly that her clothes are ruined.

I expect it is deliberate. He does it to upset you. It doesn't sound like therapy is doing anything except giving him ideas about how to upset you.

I suggest you find your own therapist and try to work out why you're staying in a marriage with a man who treats you this way.

He will never get it. Just wash your own clothes and tell him to wash his own.

My DH is similarly intelligent and generally caring and normal. All of that goes out the window when it comes to laundry.

Pull my weight. Err 🧐
I can assure you, you are saying this to the wrong member of this marriage!

Yes, I know I’m lucky. We both are. Looking forward to the next 30 years together.

I expect he just doesn't care and has contempt for the idea of caring.

#team"D"(sic)H

Is he ruining his own clothes too?

He needs to replace the clothes he’s ruined. Work out the cash equivalent. If he has to pay the replacement cost he might be more careful.

My DH is a liability with laundry, so I deal with it - so no issues.

But OP, are you sure your DH isn’t doing this on purpose …??

So are the rest of us!

I never separate colours and nothing has ever been ruined. This isn't about laundry.

This. He doesn't care about laundry, but you do. So either you take care of your own laundry from now on, or continue to be angry/disappointed with the outcome of his attempt at it. He won't change.

I chuck all mine in together. Life is too short. I don't wear anything white.

Honestly, I'd find your attitude annoying. Do your own laundry or tolerate the way he does it.

I'm remembering when a flatmate once criticised how I do washing up and I said ok you can do it and she ran out in tears.

If he's failing to do YOUR washing to your specifications on top of the lion's share of the housework, and a full time job, there's an easy fix for you.

I'm convinced this is a reverse, but the fella posting knew he'd be savaged for complaining about his fully employed wife doing most of the housework.

What do you mean you couldn’t imagine taking it to couples therapy?

If your partner was destroying your belongings week after week after week, despite promising they won’t and themselves was known to be ridiculously protective of their belongings, I very much think it would be the first thing brought up in a couples therapy session because it communicates such a lack respect and consideration for the other person.

Shit washer uppers piss me off too. Revolting!

You sound horrible and I'm glad I don't have to live with you. It must be awful coming home to that atmosphere.