To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

I have this. Labelled dark/light/white. Everyone puts their washing in the correct bin. No problems.

He absolutely should be able to get this right, it's not difficult he should be able to do it. But for whatever the reason, he can't, so just agree that he'll be responsible for a different household chore to make up for it and you do the washing.

This, she’s actually sorting it and leaving it on the floor. Just put it in the machine and switch it on, it’s not hard.

Because it’s ruining her clothes, it’s right there in the post

https://www.bigdug.co.uk/storage-boxes-c363/picking-bins-c364/bigdug-essentials-large-plastic-stacking-pick-bins-p18687/s38250?cid=GBP&vs_vat=inc&glCurrency=GBP&glCountry=GB&ppc_keyword=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw1qO0BhDwARIsANfnkv_lIONGRbfCQn2Ws1ZX2lXVfnYlnJ3yrb3TQfogA5Zahe7mt56UkjUaArMWEALw_wcB

I have one of these OP, I can only commiserate

Also I can tell the tale of 5 FIVE ruined and broken thermos travel mugs, not for putting in the dishwasher. He is obsessed with the dishwasher. He thought it was funny that I virtually threw the last mug at him.

Then there is the tale of when a coir COIR front door mat went in the washing machine and bust the machine. Broke the mat of course.

Its hard work, and sometimes I dont know if I can take it!

Buy a laundry basket that has separate sections for whites and colours. Absolutely no excuse then.

My husband is useless at the washing so I do it all and he does stuff like the bins and more of the washing up.

I never ever separate mine. Is he washing it at 90 or something?

Boohoohoo buy more or wash them yourself. Surely better than living in the head of a moaning Minnie bore.

Ive noticed over time that where my OH puts everything together, bright colours are now dimmed, greyish etc

I always separate out.

I do recall a story from a while back, it was about a woman apparently being 'controlling' it was in the news or something, she had cut off the plug socket to the washing machine. I think it might have been an acrimonious divorce or she might have hurt him or something like that. Im not dismissing DA, but the minute I read about the plug socket I thought 'I know what has led her to do that'

I'm sorry to say this are you sure it's not weaponised incompetence?

By ruining your clothes and more than once he's in increasing his chances of you taking over the laundry to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Does his boss have to show him regularly how to complete basic tasks?

It shouldn't be impossible for him to remember, though. It's not exactly rocket science. I figured it out as a teen. A 50-year old man? He seems wilfully ignorant. It would piss me off.

There is a simple and quite obvious solution to this
Do your own laundry

Buy this, it’s on offer. https://www.josephjoseph.com/products/tota-90l-laundry-separation-basket-grey?variant=39291849670728&countryswitcher=no&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw1qO0BhDwARIsANfnkv-Cmw7d_JjwDLD_kTItc4WUdNb8pSXffO-jh6ptHBevS_ETWtI5x3waAlYZEALw_wcB

Are we married to the same man?! My clever dh is absolutely hopeless at similar tasks,
shrinking clothes is one of his forte’s as is changing the colour of clothes.

Haha you have the opposite problem to OP!

I do think that with cooking and washing, if one party has more complicated tastes, they should do it themselves.
I'm boring and lazy when it comes to clothes. I don't own anything that requires any special care, other than my undergarments which I put in a mesh net and chuck in a delicate wash.
No way am I doing anybody else's laundry if it requires reading labels, separating into piles and general faff!

However, I would not be passive aggressively ignoring instructions and ruining clothes if I didn't want to do it . I'd use words and tell my partner.

It's the same with cooking. I like delicious meals cooked from scratch with delicate flavours etc DH doesn't care. So we cook separately. Everyone's happy. Problem solved.

Regarding OP if this is the ONLY thing he's messing up I'd just separate the laundry but not if it's a pattern of strategic incompetence.

My mum sometimes lets herself into my house and does my washing, she thinks she's helping and that I don't mean it when I tell her not to do any chores. I've regularly come home to find my white underwear a lovely shade of grey, or my colours dull and darker as she's put them in with the darks. This is why I have 3 baskets, it keeps the whites white and the colours bright

This isn’t about laundry, it’s about motives. You don’t trust that he’s not doing it on purpose. That needs sorting out first - is it control and anger, or mere incompetence?

If it’s incompetence you can adopt the practical solutions suggested above aplenty by pps.

If it’s control, anger, abuse, winding you up, whatever - your relationship is fucked and you need to start there, or leave.

And she no longer has a key!

We just stick everything on at 30° with a detergent pod. We buy whichever pods are cheapest, whites or colours, I'm pretty sure they're 99.5% the same anyway. 🤷‍♂️

You sound a bit laundry obsessed. Don't let him wash your stuff. Or get that colour catcher.

Weaponised incompetence

Wash your own clothes and let him wash his own clothing. Problem solved.

Everyone in my house does their own washing - me, DH, kids. If anyone else wants to ruin their own clothes they're very welcome to. They are not allowed to go near mine.

This is about everything except the laundry.