‘Do you have a family?’

[Chiarali]

Not really an AIBU, posting for traffic. I’m single and childless, in my 40s, and occasionally get asked this at work events etc by people I don’t know. I find it really weird phrasing tbh because in my mind of course I have a family, parents and cousins and etc, but that isn’t what they’re asking. So I’ve sometimes responded by saying both those things (well yes I have a family but not in the way you mean), but it always feels sort of awkward. Curious whether anyone can suggest a better response that doesn’t make me feel like I’m on the back foot somehow? Should I just go with ‘no’? But I feel that leads to awkward silences and them looking sorry for me, which quite frankly I could do without. I get that it’s probably a question people ask unthinkingly hoping it will create some small talk and maybe some things in common as you chat about your partner and kids etc, which obviously is the situation most people are in. But I sort of wish people would think more in advance about the fact that it’s not everyone’s situation, and if your response to ‘no’ is going to be to make a sadface or look embarrassed then maybe don’t ask the question.

Have you heard any good responses? Or given any (as I know there are plenty of people on this board who aren’t married with children, or aren’t married with children yet)?

I do remember someone on a thread a while back who said their response to being asked if they have children is to say ‘fuck no’ and then laugh, which, while memorable, is maybe a little more combative than I want to go…

If someone asks me if I have kids I now reply "No, thank god! I can't stand children".

I'd also go with 'No, thank god!'.

Or 'No. Do you?' to move the conversation on before they get a chance to do a sadface. You can always do a sadface to the news that they do have a family.

'Do you have a family?'
'No. Do you?'
'Yes, I'm married with two children'
'Oh I'm so sorry! How awful.'

Something like that.

You might be interested in this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5108726-to-think-that-asking-people-if-they-have-kids-is-an-innocent-question?page=3&reply=136409883

I would say “if by family you mean children, then no I haven’t”. The conversational ball is then in their court.

I think you're correct in that people are just trying to find things in common or get a conversation going. Usually a family is so important to the person that it's an easy topic to get them talking. I don't think it needs a vulgar or rude response. A simple No is fine. You could change the conversation and ask them something about themselves.

Well I do have a family and they are important to me, but I think it is considered a bit weird if I then wang on to the stranger about my mum or whatever (even though we presumably both have one so it could be a way of finding things in common), whereas for whatever reason if it was about my children or husband it would be fine.

It's an odd way to phrase it because you know they're asking if you have kids. I always hated the phrase "starting a family" to mean "trying for a baby" as if a couple by themselves don't count as a family (or indeed a single person and their beloved family members!)

I think just simple and blunt answers and moving the conversation on as a pp said is the way "No, do you?"

This is interesting to me because as part of my job I have to ask people if they are married/have children and I always find it extremely awkward. Is there a way I could ask that wouldn't cause offence?

Is the aim to have everyone avoid you for the rest of time?

Well I do have a family and they are important to me, but I think it is considered a bit weird if I then wang on to the stranger about my mum or whatever (even though we presumably both have one so it could be a way of finding things in common), whereas for whatever reason if it was about my children or husband it would be fine.

I think answering about your mum is a relevant, legitimate response, achieves what the questioner wanted (small talk) and gently reclaims the word "family" from anyone using it in the narrower way. Do that.

To be honest, I think this is something to lean into. For you, your family is your parents/cousins or whatever, so just take the question on face value: "yes, I'm really close with my parents and cousins, they're fab! How about you?"

No need to second guess what the question they really mean is (although I don't disagree they often mean children), just answer the question they've actually asked!

X post

It's a (rubbish and clumsy) way of asking if you have children.

I was 40 before I had mine so I got this sort of shit a lot, plus for many years I was desperate to be a mum so it hurt.

Best answer is "I don't have children, but I'm super close to XXX" which is easiest all round.

If asked that question and you mentioned a mum and cousins I’d ask my next question about them just to get the conversational ball rolling. If I’d asked the question it’s because I’m interested in you and if that’s important to you then it’s worth hearing about

Yeah I have a family. Mum and Dad are in their 70s now and live in Devon and I have a brother who’s in Norfolk and we’re close. But no I haven’t got children.

“No, none at all. I’m actually the result of a chemical explosion.”

Family is what we choose for ourselves, so I say 'yeah, I have a husband and a dog'. Or 'do you mean a kid? Nope' then change the subject because I don't want to hear about anyone's child.
It's rude for people to claim the word family means 'a child'.

😂

Surely instead of "no" you answer "yes, I have parents and cousins and etc" exactly as you've said here?
Your implication is that they are actually asking you whether you have a partner and children, and your answer to that is no. Asking someone if they have children is insensitive (there's another recent thread on this), and in this case your colleagues are asking you a more sensitive question that allows you to answer with what your family actually includes. They are being considerate.
If someone asks me whether I have a family I answer that I have two dogs and my siblings live nearby. Family is different for everyone.

I don't have kids and when people ask me it doesn't bother me but quite often they are then embarrassed like they have uncovered my deepest wound and say oh sorry or something and that makes it awkward. I do think if you say no thank goodness it sounds a bit defensive.

I think as it becomes more common and accepted that many women won't have children perhaps people will stop asking? I think as well sometimes its a man's way of finding out if you are available if you are over 30 and not wearing a wedding ring.

Why be rude to someone who's just trying to make conversation? I agree it's a daft way to ask-but just say "No, I don't. Do you have a long commute?" Or something equally inane. It's just chat.

I’d go with something like ‘if we start from the assumption that your family unit could be yourself, you and your pet, you and your partner and children etc, how would you describe your family unit?’

I’m sure some people will pooh pooh this, but personally this is the sort of phrasing I’d find least alienating as it acknowledges single childless people exist and isn’t just framing that as a lack of something.

Curious why you need to ask for your job though?

Lots of great responses here - thanks!

Answer with a question.

By family, do you mean children?

Yes.

Why do you ask?

Oh, I was just wondering how you had arranged childcare for tonight.

This is my all time favourite response.

I work in financial services and conduct financial reviews. At the start we have to have a bit of a chat and get to know the clients.. this is a question we have to ask..