‘Do you have a family?’

[Chiarali]

Not really an AIBU, posting for traffic. I’m single and childless, in my 40s, and occasionally get asked this at work events etc by people I don’t know. I find it really weird phrasing tbh because in my mind of course I have a family, parents and cousins and etc, but that isn’t what they’re asking. So I’ve sometimes responded by saying both those things (well yes I have a family but not in the way you mean), but it always feels sort of awkward. Curious whether anyone can suggest a better response that doesn’t make me feel like I’m on the back foot somehow? Should I just go with ‘no’? But I feel that leads to awkward silences and them looking sorry for me, which quite frankly I could do without. I get that it’s probably a question people ask unthinkingly hoping it will create some small talk and maybe some things in common as you chat about your partner and kids etc, which obviously is the situation most people are in. But I sort of wish people would think more in advance about the fact that it’s not everyone’s situation, and if your response to ‘no’ is going to be to make a sadface or look embarrassed then maybe don’t ask the question.

Have you heard any good responses? Or given any (as I know there are plenty of people on this board who aren’t married with children, or aren’t married with children yet)?

I do remember someone on a thread a while back who said their response to being asked if they have children is to say ‘fuck no’ and then laugh, which, while memorable, is maybe a little more combative than I want to go…

'Do you have a family' sounds insulting for some reason. Like 'no, I was discovered in a phone box and the DNA testing was drawing a blank, the doctors think I may be from another planet'.

It also implies that if you don't have children, then you don't have a family?! Which is ridiculous. I bet it doesn't get asked as readily of men as it would women. I would be very literal and politely say 'yes' and look a little perplexed. I don't have kids btw. But that's not what they asked.

Why do people care so much about whether someone else has children or not anyway? I guess it's just small talk. But the phrasing of which you speak is kind of twee and grating!

This question feels a bit like "are you one of us?" because in some contexts having kids or not can seem very them and us.

Oh come on! It's got nothing to do with making people feel inferior, it's a getting to know you question.

"Yes, I have an older brother in New Zealand and a sister in London" is a perfectly decent response.

Personally, I think it’s a rude question to ask someone. Can’t they think of anything else to ask someone, is their conversational ability so stilted? I’d never ask colleagues about kids etc, if they want to share this information good for them but it’s their private life. Just because I work with them I don’t need to know all about them and can find other things to talk about.

Legend.

I’d do this.

Honestly, you’d think that, if you (presumably) look as though your children may be grown up, the possibility of a previous marriage would have occurred to them!
Mind you, my DM remarried when I was 12 and people who saw photos of DB, stepfather and me on her desk at work used to say “Aren’t the children like their father!”

Do you want a family ?

It's an odd and old fashioned way to ask about children not family as we would understand it - I would just say something humorous like “I don’t know I’m still waiting to hear from 23 and Me” or something like that !

Just say 'if, by that, you mean do I have children, no, I don't.'

It needn't be awkward or complicated. As you say, you understand perfectly well what they mean.

Could you say a version of - "yes, my parents are still alive and i've a brother in Canada who I'm close to and a sister local to me. What about yourself?"

Would "who do you live with?" work?

Assuming the point is to get a picture of potential inheritors, NOK or support systems?

Id never ask this, and it’s weird that “family” is assumed as partner and kids. I also hate the phrase “starting a family” for this reason - I have a family already! It’s adding to your family.

Looking at this with my ASD brain that would actually freeze up in the moment, but that can dissect these things clinically with some distance

saying family instead of children is actually great because it does not presume that the only meaningful answer is a spouse and child.

they are using a prompt to start a conversation. It is generic and you can answer it in any number of ways.

If you have children you can talk about your kids, but equally you could use it to talk about your siblings or your parents, or even a good friend. If you don’t want to talk about the people, Maybe quickly transition into a recent holiday you took with someone you consider family and then ask the person about their own holidays.

now in the moment I would freeze up and do none of this, but I know that is the script you are supposed to use.

I say do you have family because it's open to any answer and easier than any other small talk variable

Yes because asking someone if they have a family is exactly the same as not wanting to think about their existence 🙄

If you are genuinely looking for solutions that avoid awkward silences talk about the family you do have - in the broadest sense. And if you feel unpracticed and on the back foot then rehearse. I did this after my child died and I grappled with how to answer the “how many children do you have” question. Same for questions about my parents. I had an abusive childhood and so no I don’t see my parents; yes they are still alive; no I don’t spend holidays with them.

there’s truth is the adage practice makes perfect.

I also try to remember that most people are just trying to find connection through common ground. Starting with do you have family opens up the likelihood that common ground is reached earlier, I mean you could start with do you play a team sport, or are you musical but it narrows the chances very early on and if you’re just looking to be polite makes the chances of awkward silences much higher.