‘Do you have a family?’

[Chiarali]

Not really an AIBU, posting for traffic. I’m single and childless, in my 40s, and occasionally get asked this at work events etc by people I don’t know. I find it really weird phrasing tbh because in my mind of course I have a family, parents and cousins and etc, but that isn’t what they’re asking. So I’ve sometimes responded by saying both those things (well yes I have a family but not in the way you mean), but it always feels sort of awkward. Curious whether anyone can suggest a better response that doesn’t make me feel like I’m on the back foot somehow? Should I just go with ‘no’? But I feel that leads to awkward silences and them looking sorry for me, which quite frankly I could do without. I get that it’s probably a question people ask unthinkingly hoping it will create some small talk and maybe some things in common as you chat about your partner and kids etc, which obviously is the situation most people are in. But I sort of wish people would think more in advance about the fact that it’s not everyone’s situation, and if your response to ‘no’ is going to be to make a sadface or look embarrassed then maybe don’t ask the question.

Have you heard any good responses? Or given any (as I know there are plenty of people on this board who aren’t married with children, or aren’t married with children yet)?

I do remember someone on a thread a while back who said their response to being asked if they have children is to say ‘fuck no’ and then laugh, which, while memorable, is maybe a little more combative than I want to go…

I don't tend to ask this question in a smalltalk situation because if people DO have a partner/spouse and/or kids they tend to bring it up themselves and it's far better to ask a very general question as an opener.

eg if you asked most people "so what do you like to do outside of the fun/chaos/whatever of this job then?" they might often say "well, I've 2 young children so I don't have much time to myself so these conferences are quite relaxing for me ha ha". Or they might say "well, I don't have any ties apart from elderly parents so I have quite a lot of time to indulge my hobby of x/y/z/go travelling" and then the conversation can involve any of those things instead. Or "well there's just me and my dog, I love to get out of a weekend with him, I drive all over to find new places with great walks and a dog friendly pub" etc etc. And off the conversation goes to discuss dog ownership/pubs/walking etc

I don't think it's necessary to specifically ask if someone has any kids to start a small talk conversation with them, and people should be sensitive to others' potentially traumatic personal experiences. eg some people are bereaved parents or widows/ers. If your first question is "do you have a family?" and they lost their fiance in a car crash 2 years ago and haven't dated since then what are they supposed to answer? It's a whole raft of hurt for them.

I work in financial services and conduct financial reviews. At the start we have to have a bit of a chat and get to know the clients.. this is a question we have to ask..

If you're asking because there are financial implications of, for example, being married (and so if they say partner, you'd need to ask them to clarify if they mean spouse), then tbh I think it's fine to just ask. It's a relevant question. Not a random bit of noseyness.

That would be my instinctive response but obviously I’d never say it out loud…

That's surely a bit different in a financial review. You need to know if they have dependants.

👏👏👏👏

You know what they are asking so I would just answer. No, I'm happily single, how about you? or It's just me and my sausage dog Boris, how about you? or 'No kids but I'm really close to my Mum, she lives just around the corner from me. How about you?'

They are trying to make polite conversation so conventional says you makes polite conversation back. Just saying no and offering nothing in return is always going to lead to awkwardness as you are placing the onus of making conversation on the other person.

My recollection of the it’s rude to ask someone “do you have children” thread that was that most people preferred the “do you have family”.

If I ask someone if they have family then I absolutely mean it in the broader sense and would be interested to hear that they live with their mum or that they love living alone but have three dogs.

I think family is a much broader concept than spouse and children, I often ask people if they have siblings or do they get to spend much time with their parents.

it’s eye opening that people are so prickly, it’s conversation that most people engage in in good faith.

They could be unhappily single though. And then you've just drawn attention to their feelings over that and brought them down. Or even "happily single" could be a sign to the person you're talking to that you're not interested in looking for a relationship wtih anyone, when they might have been keen to see if you were potential date material. Both sides need to be careful how they choose to phrase things.

They could be unhappily single though. And then you've just drawn attention to their feelings over that and brought them down

If people are so unhappily single that they cannot cope with being asked if they have a family that strikes me as “them“ problem and something that they need to work on rather than the rest of the world having to tip toe around totally normal conversation starters lest someone be offended.

I actually prefer @CurlyhairedAssassin ge really speaking but I can guarantee someone will get offended with that on behalf of those who cannot afford/are too ill to do anything outside of work.

This. Though I do have a memory of some neighbours’ barbecue where I was asked it about three times in quick succession and starting counting on my fingers very slowly! Reciting ‘Mum, Dad, siblings by name, uncles on both sides, aunts on both sides, first cousins, second cousins, grandparents, Great Uncle Whatsit” etc. etc’.

In case it’s in any way consoling to the childfree who get irritated by being asked this a lot (and I do remember it because I had it for years), after I had a child at 39, the same type of person was still dissatisfied and immediately pivoted to ‘When’s the next?’ and when I said I wouldn’t be having more, said ‘But that’s so selfish! Lonely only!’ I think I did get exasperated once and ask them for the exact number of and gaps between their children, as clearly they felt I should be copying them. That type isn’t too alert to sarcasm, though.

it’s eye opening that people are so prickly, it’s conversation that most people engage in in good faith.

Politely, I’m guessing you’re married with children, and haven’t experienced the type of responses you get when your reply shows you don’t meet the norm.

I do think that while you should be sensitive to the potentially upsetting unknowns in a stranger's life when you're chatting to them then there is no need for rudeness on their part either. If you ask someone an outright "do you have any kids?" and they reply with "god, no! I don't like children" then that's just downright rude if the other person has a life which mainly revolves round their children who they love very much. You wouldn't say "Oh god, no, how awful, I hate old people" if someone told you they lived with their elderly parent, would you?

Exactly this - it's just a way to start conversation. I don't think we can go round trying to change people's well meaning conversation starters because we might feel awkward. Perhaps just a 'kids no, but family yes, a large one actually who are brilliant. How about you? Kids? Family?' Ghen the conversation is back on them and the tiniest hint you've made about kids/family might get them thinking about how they ask the next woman they meet because let's face it, men don't get the same pitiful look if they say no.

People asking this are just interested in you and trying to have a conversation/ find common ground. It's highly unlikely they're trying to get at you so I'd just be polite and if you don't want to talk about it deflect a bit.
Eg. 'no kids, but that's intentional, what about you?'
or
'yes, really lucky to still have my mum, what about you?'
Or even don't answer and just repeat the question back & ask some follow ups.

As my kids would say, it's not that deep.

It's a good opener so they can engage in a conversation about their own family or not.

People like to chat about things they have in common.

Wow, I'm 66 not married and no kids (very happy with LTR who doesn't live with me!), and honestly, I have NEVER been asked any question similar to this at any age or stage in life.

I would never ask that question of others either, I really think it's very nosy, and it's quite a personal topic.

As small talk goes it would freak me out to be asked TBH I'd feel cornered! But maybe I'm reading far too much into it.

It's similar to asking a woman if they are hoping to have kids or are trying, or when are you going for a sibling for Jane/Jack, honestly how intrusive is that!

Is it just me? There are so many other interesting topics that have non invasive follow ups than these types of questions.

If people are so unhappily single that they cannot cope with being asked if they have a family that strikes me as “them“ problem and something that they need to work on rather than the rest of the world having to tip toe around totally normal conversation starters lest someone be offended.

I agree. We should put those people on an island, and then we won’t have to think about the fact that they exist.

This

I respond to "do you have a family" with "yes I have a brother and a sister".

I find it a rude way to phrase the question. I'd be happier with do you have kids.

“No, I was raised in the forest by wolves”

I am childfree and reply and tell them about my husband, parents, sister etc. That's my family. If they want to ask about kids then they need to say what they mean.

On that, I replied on the other thread about 'do you have kids'. I feel the same about both questions (kids/family), in that it doesn't offend me but I'm going to assume that the person asking is either unimaginative or wants to talk about their own kids. I find it's usually the latter.

I was at a sort of conference gathering with spiritual overtones, and was asked this in a conversation, my husband joined us, as I answered that I had 2 boys, I was then asked if they took after my husband in any way, I said no because he wasn't actually their father, before I could explain any further, my husband put on an exaggeratedly shocked face, and said 'what!'
I laughed and started to explain that the boys were from a previous marriage, and were grown up before we met, but the other couple scurried off in embarrassment. 🤣
Sometimes people get more than they can handle when asking about family!

Agree. I think mums, siblings etc are family.

I think it's incredibly rude to ask someone if they have kids when you barely know them. Maybe after a few weeks, or even months, it's OK, but to blurt it out within hours is just so f-ing nosy. You have no idea if they had a miscarriage, for example, or always wanted kids but couldn't have them, or even had a child die of cancer or something. Asking whether they "have a family" is even worse. In effect you're asking "do you have love and support? Or are you going to die alone?" I knew someone who replied to the "do you have kids" question with "ugh god no, I wouldn't wish life on my worst enemy." That shut the nosy cow up.

It's just another way to make childfree people feel inferior. I wish I'd had a good response when I was younger.
Now I just say something like "No, I'm really lucky that I haven't been burdened with all the family stuff".