Who’s in the wrong?

[Cluborange666]

Not feeling well today - cold with headache, mild flu symptoms. I get my husband to make some chicken mince out of the fridge into meatballs and serve with naans and salad. An easy dinner for him and DS as he is a bad cook, Other DS is a veggie so had pre-made falafel.
Normally I make meatballs and I make them without egg as I am intolerant to it (not allergic) but it makes me feel ill. I didn’t have any dinner as I didn’t feel like it.
Later I go into the fridge and ask husband if I can eat a (cooked)meatball as they look nice. He watches me eat it then at the end I realise it had egg in it. I’m upset as I already felt unwell.
i asked him why he didn’t remind me. His answer is, “Well you forgot too.” I am upset as he never looks out for me. He says he can’t be expected to remember things (even though he made them). He thinks I am illogical and equating love with remembering things.
He is on the waiting list to be diagnosed with autism. I’m so fed up. I’m n/c with my family (abuse) and I’ve had years of him thinking that my things are ‘my’ things and nothing to do with him. The marriage is in a bad way. He thinks I am unreasonable. I always feel like no one has my back because actually no one does.
I told him to fuck off and am now sitting on my bed.

Neither of you are wrong about the meatball, you both forgot. Telling him to fuck off deff doesn’t make you the right one. But obviously that’s not the real issue here, I’d let it cool off for tonight and then try and discuss the actual issue with him tomorrow, I wouldn’t make it about this meatball though because that’s a daft human error on your part that he just didn’t catch.

The marriage is in a bad way

You don’t say.

Focus on what you’re going to do about that. Remembering things is important. Not telling your spouse to fuck off is also important unless that’s a normal non toxic part of your usual communication.

Hope you feel better soon. Counselling is cheaper than divorce.

i asked him why he didn’t remind me. His answer is, “Well you forgot too.”

He has a point. Do you expect him to remember everything for you?

You’re in the wrong, it’s your intolerance so you have to make sure you don’t eat eggs. The onus is on you. Yes it would be nice for your DH to also think about it, I have an intolerance and I know my DH would tell me if something wasn’t suitable for me. Tbh your mainly in the wrong for making this a whose right or in the wrong situation, you both made the same mistake of forgetting to check

I think you’re feeling poorly and it’s not helping your mindset. I do get that you just want someone to care and look after you though, so must feel a bit unloved.

Get tucked up and some rest and park this issue until you feel better.

It sounds like you have a non-ige mediated allergy rather than intolerance. He should take it seriously.

Thanks all. I think I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

@Cluborange666

I'm sorry you feel so unwell & so 'I looked out for'.

If he was NT I'd say yes, he should have thought about you & the egg, but maybe that's not something he can really do.

it is hard & lonely though.

Hope you're feeling better soon. I guess with DH you just need to decide if your life is better with him or would be better without him. It's often lonelier with someone you don't feel has your back than it is being actually alone.

I'm feeling sorry for your husband

There is absolutely no way I would watch someone eat something I knew made them feel ill and not say anything. Not a chance. Anyone who would do that is a bit of a twat.

I'm sorry OP. Feel better and maybe watch your back. Your husband has a bit of a mean streak.

In this one situation I'd say your in the wrong. Yes in an ideal world he'd remember, but he forgot and to be fair so did you. You're the one with the intolerance so really it's on you to make sure you don't eat something you're intolerant to.

And telling him to fuck off puts you squarely in the wrong.

But this isn't about the meatball is it? In a healthy marriage this would be a non-issue, or a minor "oh you berk" moment. This whole situation is a symptom of you feeling like he doesn't care about you enough to remember things about you. The meatball is your straw, and in that sense you're not being unreasonable.

This, completely.

I told him to fuck off

If you think this is a reasonable way to communicate with your dh, you've got bigger problems than you seem to think you have.

You’re in the wrong - telling him to fuck off cor that is a huge over reaction. You didn’t ask him if it had egg in it just if you could eat it

Op do you think he did this on purpose because you are ill and he had to do the bulk?
Are there other instances of no consideration for you?

Presumably you don’t normally put egg in the meatballs hence why you didn’t think to ask.

In my house my DH would have made them with me eating them in mind (so sans egg) and IF he managed to put egg in it he would have been apologetic at adding to my discomfort even if he forgot/was an error.

As I would him.

I know my DH wouldn’t ’well you forgot too’ that’s so cold and uncaring, you didn’t see the egg going in ffs.

YABU.

These replies are so ridiculous.

Of course you're not in the wrong!

You're not mad that he put egg in the meatballs.

You're upset that he didn't think of you, and at his defensive reaction.

If he'd said: 'oh no! I totally forgot. I'm sorry. Can I help get you anything else?'

Like a normal, caring person then I think you wouldn't have felt like you did.

I think I understand because my DH acts in immediate defensiveness when he's done something thoughless too, and it's really hard getting him to understand that it's not the thoughtless thing I'm mad at (we're all human) but his lack of empathy and lack of thinking about me.

I also think he's on the autistic spectrum so I think this is relevant!

Absolutely. There’s not a reason on Earth he should have used eggs.

Unless you're allergic to a long list of things, your H is very unreasonable.

I'm allergic to two things. One of them is aspirin and the other one is a specific food ingredient. Literally everyone I know remembers I'm allergic to it, all my in-laws. There's a cafe near here that I don't even go to very often, I don't even know the owner's name, but once I was standing there deciding what to order and she pre-emptively said you can't have this one because it has your allergen in it. She literally remembered me and what I'm allergic to and I'm not even much of a regular.

If your own husband can't remember the one or two things you're allergic to, well he's a shit husband and that's that.

But he didn't? He forgot! As did she....

It doesn't make sense to say op forgot as well. She hadn't made the meatball, she didn't know what was in it.

The definition of "forget" is not remembering information that you previously knew. She never knew the daft husband put egg in it.

He shouldn't be putting egg in anything if his wife is allergic to it.

I’m another who’s surprised by these responses, and think I’d feel similar. It’s not that he should never forget anything, but the blaming you rather than saying, shit, I’m so sorry, in the moment - not a caring reaction. Yanbu to expect your partner to remember a basic piece of medical info and be sorry if they don’t.

I didn’t say it earlier as it’s a bit extreme but we are an egg free home due to allergy

I find it amazing that so many feel it’s not the DH responsibility to show some consideration for his wife the ‘yeah but you forgot too’ seems to callous. Is this how some of you live?

It’s not like it was an omelette - meatballs don’t have to include egg.

Mistakes get made, but to have no care or concern or apology after is just mind boggling. I wouldn’t treat my DH like that.

I wonder if responses would be the same if reversed, I swear some hold men to lower standards.

She didn't forget she had an egg allergy!

But he didn't think of her when he made dinner, and then was defensive about it to his already poorly wife.

If he had handled it with an ounce of empathy then OP wouldn't have been upset.

She forgot to ask. And she wasn't having dinner so he was free to use egg.

He shouldn't be putting egg in anything if his wife is allergic to it.

She isn't allergic to eggs. She's intolerant of them. It's different. And he didn't make the meatballs for her, he made them for himself and one of the childen.

I agree that she didn't forget too because she didn't know the information to forget it. However, as someone with a food intolerance, if you're going to eat something made by someone else that they in turn made for someone else it makes sense to just check "it doesn't have X in it, does it?"

A lot of people use egg to bind meatballs etc it's not unheard of.