Who’s in the wrong?

[Cluborange666]

Not feeling well today - cold with headache, mild flu symptoms. I get my husband to make some chicken mince out of the fridge into meatballs and serve with naans and salad. An easy dinner for him and DS as he is a bad cook, Other DS is a veggie so had pre-made falafel.
Normally I make meatballs and I make them without egg as I am intolerant to it (not allergic) but it makes me feel ill. I didn’t have any dinner as I didn’t feel like it.
Later I go into the fridge and ask husband if I can eat a (cooked)meatball as they look nice. He watches me eat it then at the end I realise it had egg in it. I’m upset as I already felt unwell.
i asked him why he didn’t remind me. His answer is, “Well you forgot too.” I am upset as he never looks out for me. He says he can’t be expected to remember things (even though he made them). He thinks I am illogical and equating love with remembering things.
He is on the waiting list to be diagnosed with autism. I’m so fed up. I’m n/c with my family (abuse) and I’ve had years of him thinking that my things are ‘my’ things and nothing to do with him. The marriage is in a bad way. He thinks I am unreasonable. I always feel like no one has my back because actually no one does.
I told him to fuck off and am now sitting on my bed.

Seems like you both have forgotten - no one to blame

You're sensitive as your ill

How's that halo, there? Take much polishing? Does it slip during vigorous activity?

I'm guessing you don't have an allergy huh.

If anyone I know cooks anything with my allergy in, they effectively wrap it in high vis (not literally). They all mentally note "must tell mumoftwo she can't eat X".

If I visit my in laws and I wander into the kitchen even to make a cup of tea, my MIL will follow me in and tell me that X has Y in it so don't eat that.

We keep the ingredient in my house in a separate container (it can be used for non-food purposes) and everyone washes their hands after using it.

My dd has been able to pronounce this allergen word since she was 2.

It's not even a life threatening allergy. This is just what normal caring people do who have a loved one with an allergy.

What excuse have you got for his cold, couldn't-give-a-shit defensiveness?

A caring person would not blame the other, they'd be apologetic. Even for a genuine mistake.

MN can be a bizarre place sometimes.

He knows OP has an egg intolerance and that she makes meatballs without egg.

So as he made the meatballs, he either should have made them without egg, or warned OP he made them with egg.

Even if she wasn’t eating them, it would be kinder to cook without egg, or at least warn her.

I bet if he has an intolerance he expects OP remember it.

OP, I bet you cater to his likes/dislikes/intolerances. As he refuses to change, you should stop catering to him.

It's more the 'I asked can I eat a meatball' is what got me tbh, why do you need to ask permission 🥴

She hasn't got a fucking allergy, she says she's intolerant!!

When you’ve lived with someone whose world revolves around themselves, it’s hard to describe how lonely you feel. I used to describe is as being like kayaking. He swanned off in his kayak admiring the view, paddling peacefully along with skill and enjoyment.

I struggled along behind in my kayak, with the kids, dog, house, extended family, rations and life jackets, calling after him to remember there’s white water ahead.

Can you forget what foods he does and doesn’t like? Cook what you want regardless of his preferences? Forget his appointments and schedules? Just focus on you and the kids.

It actually gets easier when you let go of the hope and every time he thinks of you it’s a nice surprise! 😅

He may well get better as well- mine has, because the pressure to perform being considerate shit him down.

It’s inadequate for a marriage,imo, but it’s the best he can manage.

It’s the difference between ‘am I allowed to’ (what he heard) and ‘is it safe for me to? (What she meant).

It’s a sad lonely place.

Also, why did he just watch her eat the meatball. Might be a turn of phrase or maybe he actually got a kick out of watching her eat something that will make her sick.

Calm down 😂

I'd let this go and post in relationships when you are better. Compare his behaviour to what he is like in work, when you were first dating etc. I say that as someone ND with a DD who works in catering after attending a SN school etc. I do find that some people who don't give a shit about anyone else latch on to their diagnosis.

It doesn't matter the severity of the intolerance or allergy.

My SIL gets a mildly funny tummy if she drinks tea so she has peppermint tea instead. I see her about 4x a year but I still manage to remember this because I care about her. If she comes to visit I make sure I have peppermint tea in the house. Let alone if I were her husband!!

The mind boggles, some women on here have such a low standard they expect other women to accept from their husbands.

Exactly. I see my friend’s mum every few years and STILL remember she doesn’t eat onion and garlic, so I don’t cook with them. She has never had to remind me.

She said she asked if she could have a meatball - I took this to mean "are the meatballs safe for me to eat?".

If eggs make OP feel ill I don't understand why DH didn't make the meatball without egg in the first place.

i asked him why he didn’t remind me. His answer is, “Well you forgot too.”

He has a point. Do you expect him to remember everything for you?
She wasn't expecting him to remember 'everything.'
I know in this scenario Dh would have had me and pointed it out.
To me it sounds like you both have different expectations. As someone e else said leave it for now but when you know you've got a chance to talk uninterrupted, have a conversation abouts whst your expectations and feelings are and give him time and space for him to explain his and discuss a way forward.

To your first point - he says he forgot.

Second point- OP says she wasn't eating as she was ill.

This feels very much he's in the wrong regardless.

It could just be a mistake. But it’s a recurring theme on MN where many men don’t feel they should have to remember their partner’s allergies/intolerances/needs.

There was a thread recently where a husband told his wife categorically that he will not bother to remember ever.

No, I have an intolerance. Which is what the OP has. Not an allergy.

If someone else has made food, I always check what is in it before I just help myself to it.

In the same way that we all know drivers should he aware of hazards on the road but we still look before crossing because we are all responsible for ourselves.

Allergies are different.

The main problem with you analogy is that, as a driver, I don't expect all the other drivers on the road to love and care about my health and well being. So yes, I alone am responsible for myself. They are strangers.

I do expect my husband and other loved ones to care about my health and wellbeing (and they do). They aren't strangers on the road!

If eggs make OP feel ill I don't understand why DH didn't make the meatball without egg in the first place.

He wasn't making it for her.

I presumed the OP asked if she could eat it, to see if it was safe ie not made with egg. Whereas the dh heard it literally, asd can be very literal. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, though.

Well.they could end up in prison if they killed someone so I'd imagine most drivers are pretty focused on not knocking down pedestrians!

I do understand the point you are making but people become distracted, have other things on their mind and do just forget so I would never rely on someone remembering to tell me in the circumstances the OP describes because humans are fallible. And that is why I would always check.

Now, if someone made something for me to eat, I would expect them to remember then and if the OP's husband had cooked something for her, I would consider "forgetting" to be a poor excuse. But that's not what happened.

I tell my husband to fuck off-oh my marriage is in a bad way.

I'm not surprised.
Contempt, it's interesting to see Mumsnet ignore this part to focus on the eggs then turn this into some abstract. I'm not surprised some poster's marriages are in a mess and some can't find or stay in a relationship.

I don't know why everyone would make it without egg even though OP wasn't eating it. My DH has a nut intolerance, I made a korma last night with crushed almonds as he was eating out... it tastes better, so do meatballs with eggs, maybe that's why they looked nice too 😉
Leftovers are in the fridge, I guarantee he will ask today if it has nuts in it before eating because he is a grown up who knows his own issues.