Who’s in the wrong?

[Cluborange666]

Not feeling well today - cold with headache, mild flu symptoms. I get my husband to make some chicken mince out of the fridge into meatballs and serve with naans and salad. An easy dinner for him and DS as he is a bad cook, Other DS is a veggie so had pre-made falafel.
Normally I make meatballs and I make them without egg as I am intolerant to it (not allergic) but it makes me feel ill. I didn’t have any dinner as I didn’t feel like it.
Later I go into the fridge and ask husband if I can eat a (cooked)meatball as they look nice. He watches me eat it then at the end I realise it had egg in it. I’m upset as I already felt unwell.
i asked him why he didn’t remind me. His answer is, “Well you forgot too.” I am upset as he never looks out for me. He says he can’t be expected to remember things (even though he made them). He thinks I am illogical and equating love with remembering things.
He is on the waiting list to be diagnosed with autism. I’m so fed up. I’m n/c with my family (abuse) and I’ve had years of him thinking that my things are ‘my’ things and nothing to do with him. The marriage is in a bad way. He thinks I am unreasonable. I always feel like no one has my back because actually no one does.
I told him to fuck off and am now sitting on my bed.

“get my husband to make some chicken mince out of the fridge into meatballs and serve with naans and salad. An easy dinner for him and DS as he is a bad cook, Other DS is a veggie so had pre-made falafel.”

She doesn’t say she wasn’t eating from the start.

She’s ill, so she didn’t eat. But she might have. And she could have- but he didn’t factor in her issue with eggs.

I can’t imagine using an unnecessary ingredient that my partner can’t eat. You just learn to cook differently avoiding the problem foods.

I’ve been managing to avoid cooking problem foods for my family and friends for years. It’s not hard if you accept it as something you need to consider.

It’s only hard to remember if you’ve classified it as ‘not your business’.

My slimming world group has someone with a garlic intolerance and a vegan. I try and do vegan, garlic free foods for taster sessions and when there is a problem ingredient I mention it to the two involved. It's not hard. They are virtual strangers I share food with maybe three times a year maximum.

The bar for men truly is so low it is a tavern in Hades.

Being autistic is no excuse. I'm autistic and I would know perfectly well that if someone in my family with an intolerance to a food asked if they could eat something they literally mean is it going to make them ill or not?

If he doesn't think that it's any part of his responsibility to ensure that his wife isn't made ill by food he has made, then he's just a shit person.

I would expect him to make them without egg, because there's every possibility an ill person will come down later and want something to eat. To not only not cater for her but to then tell her she can eat something when it's going to make her ill, is borderline abusive in my opinion. Especially as he then tried to make it her fault.

What an awful assessment of someone's husband.
Contempt.
Look it up.

It's not his fault there's some random bloke on mumsnet who has explicitly said he won't bother to remember.

I think you’re being deliberately obtuse and missing my point.

Not really. You've decided he's guilty, horrible. abusive, etc etc and you don't even know him. Maybe you just don't like hearing other points of view. One-off those 'I am always right' people. Like the OP. Then you name call to belittle other people's opinions.

Really? You really, really wouldn't mention pre-emptively "oh btw dh there's nuts in that curry I made"? It's every man for himself in your house? Caveat snacker?

I'm just glad that no one I know and care about lives like this. We actively look out for each other and don't act like aloof housemates.

I agree with this.
If they didn't usually put egg in meatballs due to her allergy and then he made them with eggs as a one off, I can totally see why she didn't think about it (because they are usually fine).

He is the one who out eggs in, effectively making it so you couldn't eat them... and then he watched you.

My husband and many of my friends are neurodiverse and they still remember things about me that are important.

They would NEVER (for example) let me eat something with mushrooms in and I'm not even allergic, I just HATE them.

I'm sorry, but that just isn't an excuse and I agree that he was actually being quite nasty.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. I hope you feel much better soon.

If your DH is autistic, then the way he sees things and how he needs to follow instructions might be very different (eg ohe of my autistic DCs is very literal so if I was to say “make yourself some meatballs for dinner tonight as I’m not well” that would not be interpreted as “make meatballs how I make them so I can eat one later.”

Where have I said he’s ‘guilty’ or ‘horrible’ or ‘abusive’? Is this how you operate, lie and then pretend you’re being belittled?

You seem to be reading stuff that isn’t there.

A caring person would not blame the other, they'd be apologetic. Even for a genuine mistake.

Quite right. OP is NBU for being cross at herself forgetting the meatballs had egg in, but is BU and ought to apologise for projecting her anger onto her DH.

It sounds like she didn’t know they had eggs in.

Which means she couldn’t have forgotten.

She sounds angry because this is just another example of her DH showing what little regard he has for her.