To think that this must be mainly my hormones not my DH?

[JeanBjeanie]

Namechanged for this (don't know why)
Didn't know whether to post in menopause/relationships but figured I'd get more responses here.

Just need to rant/get everything off my chest today as frustrated and no one to really tell in RL.
Been with DH 30 yrs. I'm early 50s. 4 dc. Mix of ages. All at home. School/uni.

DH very different to me. Much quieter. Not a talker. Good man overall I'd say. Works hard. Reliable. Bit of a telly addict
Not really much get up and go.
I plan all holidays etc which he enjoys but would never initiate.
I love doing planning stuff though so fine on that score.

I'm definitely perimenopausal.
Been on HRT approx 2 years as was getting really bad anxiety. No other symptoms. I feel to someway better.
Except I literally feel like most of the time I cannot bear DH. He is so annoying. His lack of conversation is getting to me now. We bicker a lot. I hold a grudge and don't speak for days as I can't be arsed. He used to be quite sweet in the past and fuss over me. Now he doesn't. Think he's sick of me too but would never care enough to say. And would certainly never leave.
He loves me I know that. But I think he's intolerant of me and my faults. I don't blame him, but at least speak to me. He is happy to live a kind of half a life whereby we rarely speak as long as things tick over.

We work opposite shifts which I think suits him. The days he does see me he doesn't seem excited to chat to me. It's a quick hello How's things etc.
Lots of things that I probably thought were mildly annoying or even funny now grate on me. His table manners are awful for example!

He hasn't really changed I guess, so is it me?
I think maybe it's hormonal, maybe I should increase my HRT(gel). Will I get backto normal again or is this normal now?
I dread to think of DC leaving and it's just him and me as he's hardly going to suddenly turn into a bundle of fun is he?
Hes not depressed, in case anyone thinks that?!
Am I depressed though
I spend so much headspace thinking about the Dc when they were little and wishing it was then. Now I feel a bit flat and low. I love being a mum.

I don't have a massive social life but do go out and I love meals out, drinks occasional nights away with friends. Only a dew close friends and 2 sisters as a little group and we are all similar personality wise.No one else would guess I feel sad inside. I'd be described as a ' good laugh'.
I have a very busy demanding job. I actually hate it ,but it's interesting and well paid so I won't ever leave.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here really. Anyone else felt similar?
No actual point in trying to talk to Dh as I've tried a million times.
He will either say:
"I'm fine"
Stop going on and creating problems"
Will say he's happy.
He hates being pinned down for a conversation.
I toy with trying to be nice and rising above it all.
Barely chatting and doing my own thing( he's happy with this) or being angry with him.
I think what probably upsets me the most, is he knows I'm not happy a lot of the time and he would rather me stay that way then enter into a discussion.
And has this man got no respect that his wife doesn't give a shit about him overall and he doesn't care?
Don't get me wrong we have good times and sometimes things are great. But I feel we have more times not speaking than times when we are.
Sorry for humongous post!!!!

He's probably just trying to avoid you having another go at him - after all, you're the one who says you don't give a shit about him.

I'd be unhappy with that situation too. Would he go to counselling?
Presumably not as he won't discuss things with you.
I think I'd tell him you want to separate, I can't see anything changing.

All very familiar.
It's partly the menopause
It's partly the DC growing up
It's partly men and women differences

I will post more later after work! You are not alone.

Yes you're right
But I would give a shit about him if he cared to even talk to me!!
And why won't he agree to separate then? If I'm.so horrible?
I've said this to him and he says that he is fine and happy!!!

He would never go to counselling. He acnt even talk to me ffs!
He doesnt see an issue for a start.

If I were you I’d book myself some therapeutic courses/ weekends and get out there and discover who you are in this new phase of your life.

He might go to counselling if you said it was a deal breaker for you.

As an example, we are having a biggish maintenance job on the house. Stuff I need to talk to him about, when the men are coming etc etc
I cant enter a conversation with him.
He comes home from work, thinks he can discuss it briefly for 5 min standing up in the kitchen whilst I'm.cooking. I'm like we need to talk properly about the logistics.
He has a shower, dinner, telly and bed.
No convo.
Then about 5 min ago he's messaged me on his coffee break to text about the workmen!! Really? Talk to me properly!!!

You know what, I'm thinking this.

Thank you. I feel like my head is all over the place.

You make it sound like you’re asking to divorce and he won’t let you. You seem to despise him and he’s not forcing you to stay married to him so call time and leave him. It’s hard to understand you saying he won’t speak to you but then say you can’t be bothered to speak to him for days at a time. The atmosphere must be horrendous.

You've realised that the shit you were both happy to turn a blind eye to and put up with 30 years ago has got pretty boring after 30 years of it.

You're not compatible for the long term. It's time to end the relationship and focus on yourself and what you want out of life.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Yes I know.
I just would like things to be how they used to be. Every now and then ,things do come to head and he says he loves me and will make more effort. I say the same. But I think it's only me who really cares. He still continues to do or not stuff that upsets me.
I don't know if maybe we were ever compatible and I just thought we were.
Or is it that I'm nit picking now? I actually do not know.

It’s interesting that your description of talking to him about the situation focuses on him saying “I’m fine/happy/no problem”

Have you actually told him you are unhappy, you are not fine, and the relationship is problematic for you? He can’t argue that away, it’s about your feelings.

@Brandonsflowers
This is what I'm wondering
Sometimes I feel all nostalgic and think Its me, I will try harder.
Then I watch him walk in turn the telly on feet up, not ask a jot about my day and I'm like what the hell?

I’ve been somewhere similar- in fact, until you got to the busy well paid job you could have been talking about me.

I realised a long time ago that I need to be responsible for my own happiness. It’s not a joint project. He’s happy as he is so won’t change. You need to change whatever it takes to make you happy- but without involving him.

For me, that’s been taking some control away from him and stopping being obliging. Do what I want when I want. Leave the room if I don’t like what’s on the TV. Stop him turning the TV on if I’m comfortably settled in the room doing something else. Cooking what I want to eat not what he wants. Going out with friends.

I go with him on holidays that take his preference into account but I find a cosy corner and read a book instead of traipsing around yet another ruined castle/train museum.

I don’t ’do things as a couple’ that I don’t want to do.

I’m much happier. He’s slightly unnerved but is adjusting. Men like this never stopped to think that we are working around them, organising to suit them, and generally accommodating and facilitating them. So it doesn’t occur to them to do likewise. Until we stop.

What you want is what he’s had for 30yrars.

What you can have is a different version of now, where you focus on you.

For me, that doesn’t mean leaving and starting again. It means reworking what we have.
He’s family, rather than a romantic partner.
That’s ok.

@Sunnydiary
Yes I've told him
He says there's no issue and that I just moan or nag and that I'm never satisfied. That he's just the way that he is. Nothing sinister. Just wants a quiet life etc
He thinks I talk too much generally and he hates it if I tell him like a long story, he looks bored or uncomfortable. Like if I tell him situation or tale from work. He just tries to give me solution when I'm.maybe just chatting!
Then on the other hand when I'm quiet he says I'm being funny(I am).
I think he likes a watered down version of me. But of chit chat, nothing too taxing. Don't do much or say much and we are all good. Occasional holiday thrown in.

I'm well through the menopause at nearly 60. I think that you take stock of your life, have a better vision of what you want (thanks to a lack of baby making hormones) and take less bullshit. You needed less from him because you were busier and children do fill emotional etc needs. He's also aging and has less energy. Medically and personality wise I don't think that men age as well as women. I've had to have honest conversations with my DP about me doing things on my own, because he doesn't want to do much and I don't want to waste my mobility. So it's a combination and it's up to both of you if you can make it work. I'd try tbh.

• What would your advice be to someone in the same situation as you?

• Like can you look in on your life together from an outside perspective?

• Have you considered starting something new together? Line dancing or tennis or anything you can bond over like you did with the children when they were younger.

• Or could you get into a tv series together if he’s a fan of tv time, pick one evening a week where you share a show and chat about it?

So basically he’s telling you he doesn’t give a shit if you’re unhappy…

"We bicker a lot. I hold a grudge and don't speak for days as I can't be arsed. He used to be quite sweet in the past and fuss over me. Now he doesn't. "

I found this quite interesting. Arguing is one thing, but it seems like you think not speaking for days as some kind of punishment for him is appropriate, and that him fussing over you is an appropriate way of getting things back on track. I don't mean this in a nasty way but it doesn't come across as very adult behaviour. I would recommend completely rethinking this approach to communication. Since rethinking it has to be a joint endeavour, particularly after so many years, I would highly recommend seeking out therapy. If he absolutely refuses, you could do some therapy yourself and try to work on your way of dealing with conflicts. That might be helpful.

My ex and I split after 20 years together. It takes a while for the rose coloured glasses to come off, but I did start realising that all of the reasons I fell out of love with my husband were little things that had always been there.

I was young when we met. I was glad to have someone to like me, I grew up with parents who didn't agree with divorce unless he hit you, being truthful momentum carried us along for the last ten years of our relationship. We have both spoken about it since and both realised we felt the same. We were great as a young couple going out every weekend, but shite as two adults who needed to live together, compromise with each other and raise two children together.

Going to dip back quickly and say don't LTB just yet..I have a lot to say on this by EoD!

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle thank you.
That's interesting.
I have started doing some of this to be honest. And I think I will continue to extend it to other areas of my life.
Don't get me wrong, we have some things in common. We do like the same kind of holidays and visiting same places. And when we do those things it's great( as a family). We don't do things as a couple and never have. This is another issue, one he doesn't seen to care about.