To think that this must be mainly my hormones not my DH?

[JeanBjeanie]

Namechanged for this (don't know why)
Didn't know whether to post in menopause/relationships but figured I'd get more responses here.

Just need to rant/get everything off my chest today as frustrated and no one to really tell in RL.
Been with DH 30 yrs. I'm early 50s. 4 dc. Mix of ages. All at home. School/uni.

DH very different to me. Much quieter. Not a talker. Good man overall I'd say. Works hard. Reliable. Bit of a telly addict
Not really much get up and go.
I plan all holidays etc which he enjoys but would never initiate.
I love doing planning stuff though so fine on that score.

I'm definitely perimenopausal.
Been on HRT approx 2 years as was getting really bad anxiety. No other symptoms. I feel to someway better.
Except I literally feel like most of the time I cannot bear DH. He is so annoying. His lack of conversation is getting to me now. We bicker a lot. I hold a grudge and don't speak for days as I can't be arsed. He used to be quite sweet in the past and fuss over me. Now he doesn't. Think he's sick of me too but would never care enough to say. And would certainly never leave.
He loves me I know that. But I think he's intolerant of me and my faults. I don't blame him, but at least speak to me. He is happy to live a kind of half a life whereby we rarely speak as long as things tick over.

We work opposite shifts which I think suits him. The days he does see me he doesn't seem excited to chat to me. It's a quick hello How's things etc.
Lots of things that I probably thought were mildly annoying or even funny now grate on me. His table manners are awful for example!

He hasn't really changed I guess, so is it me?
I think maybe it's hormonal, maybe I should increase my HRT(gel). Will I get backto normal again or is this normal now?
I dread to think of DC leaving and it's just him and me as he's hardly going to suddenly turn into a bundle of fun is he?
Hes not depressed, in case anyone thinks that?!
Am I depressed though
I spend so much headspace thinking about the Dc when they were little and wishing it was then. Now I feel a bit flat and low. I love being a mum.

I don't have a massive social life but do go out and I love meals out, drinks occasional nights away with friends. Only a dew close friends and 2 sisters as a little group and we are all similar personality wise.No one else would guess I feel sad inside. I'd be described as a ' good laugh'.
I have a very busy demanding job. I actually hate it ,but it's interesting and well paid so I won't ever leave.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here really. Anyone else felt similar?
No actual point in trying to talk to Dh as I've tried a million times.
He will either say:
"I'm fine"
Stop going on and creating problems"
Will say he's happy.
He hates being pinned down for a conversation.
I toy with trying to be nice and rising above it all.
Barely chatting and doing my own thing( he's happy with this) or being angry with him.
I think what probably upsets me the most, is he knows I'm not happy a lot of the time and he would rather me stay that way then enter into a discussion.
And has this man got no respect that his wife doesn't give a shit about him overall and he doesn't care?
Don't get me wrong we have good times and sometimes things are great. But I feel we have more times not speaking than times when we are.
Sorry for humongous post!!!!

@Lentilweaver
Ha ha funny. No I will keep LTB on hold for now!!!!

You can only change you
Go see a life coach therapist etc

@Ponoka7
I agree. Men don't age as well. I'm very fit and lively! Don't give me wrong he's fir and lively too but has numerous aches and pains. He's quite lazy and unmotivated and I have loads of getup and go. Do as much as I can with Dc even though they are growing up and needing me less.

There's a thread on relationships which is similar. I dont think it's my hormones as I like everyone else ? I think we have grown apart and if it wasn't for the kids I'd be gone. Individual counselling a good idea. You spend a long time being a mum... then suddenly 50 happens and you have a bit of time back but you have changed too. I'm much more dynamic than H.

@Xsunshinelollipopsx
I will ponder over those questions
I can answer a couple of them
Tv shows -yes we do that
We normally have series on tne go that we enjoy. Don't chat about it though, only while it's on as it goes along
Or rather I talk!! He doesn't!
A hobby- no. Absolutely nothing i could see us doing together. We have never done much as couple. More him than me. But I wouldn't even entertain that idea now.

I couldn't live like this, I think your only options are to split up or accept you have separate lives, try & emotionally detach & focus on yourself & leave him to it.

It really doesn't sound like a happy retirement pottering about together lies ahead.
Can't see you suddenly being happy to have a relationship with a monosyllabic tellyaddict when your hormones calm down.
Have a good think about what you'd like your future to be and whether he features in it.

Sounds like he sees you as a support human, there to manage the workmen, look after the kids, provide extra income and do half of the chores, but not bother him with chitchat or demands or anything like that.

Unfortunately I think a lot of men are like that - happy as long as tea is on the table and the kids are sorted, and you wanting anything more than that is “nagging”.

@drowningwitch
I agree.
I am a bit sulky or rather I used to be when we were younger. But I suppose we used to have bigger arguments and then he would ( or i would) make a big apology and fuss.
Now we have less big rows but lots of bickering. Another example is, that last week he shouted at me in front of DC and i was so mad.
Next day he came home from work quite cheerful and acted like nothing at happened. No apology. He was in the wrong. It was like I wasn't even worthy of a sorry( he does this a lot). So I kind of spoke bare minimum to himself I couldn't bring myself to be nice.
It's been going on for a week and still no discussion or a sorry.
It's like I just have to accept it and move on. If I addressed it now he would probably not even remember or say are.you still mad about this?!!!

No this is my worry!
Luckily I don't have to think about this for many years as I have Dc but it will happen eventually.
I do wonder what he thinks will actually happen?
I imagine it's a total non issue to him.

@Saschka
Yes yes!! Absolutely this^

Not talking to someone for days is abusive and not going to solve your problems. You are entering a new phase of your life and it isn't easy when you feel that your best days are behind you. Perhaps he feels it's just easier to ride the storm with you with as little interaction as possible? I'm not taking one side or the other but you seem to be complaining about him doing what you are doing.

Yes its abusive I agree and I'm as bad. But should I also be creeping round him or following him around for a chat. I'm.not begging him to talk to me!

My DH has got a bit like this. He sometimes acts as if anything I say is completely uninteresting (possibly is but he could try).
I know that since he had his stroke he sometimes feels quite unwell but he doesn't make any effort to help himself.
I said the other day that I would quite like to see Alnwick Castle and he couldn't understand why 🤔 so I told him I would go with DD and he had the cheek to say "but I'll be on my own all day" so I just said that I wasn't waiting for him to die so I could do what I want. I know it's a horrible thing to say but he has such a selfish attitude. Sometimes if we do stuff I want he will mope about and spoil it well I'm not playing that game any more.

It all depends on what you want your outcome to be I suppose. My mother was like this and we all endured it. It was a horrible environment to grow up in. It affected me badly but it took me years to realise. You are modelling this behaviour for your children. It sounds like you will have to get him to talk seriously by throwing it out there " I'm not happy and I don't know if I want to continue in this marriage".

I don't think it's a horrible life for the Dc. I'm very very upbeat with the Dc and in the house and within the family in general.
The probably see their dad as grumpy in all honesty.
The outcome I'd like is things to be okay between us but I feel like I do all of tne leg work.

💯 this! My situation is different but I’m having the same sort of feelings as you @JeanBjeanie in that DH and I are kind of moving apart in how we want to live our lives. I think in part owing to me putting myself first and not just going along with the way DH/the DC want things to happen.

I’m doing more things I want to do on my own/with friends. Eg DH doesn’t enjoy the cinema/theatre so we’ve always done things like go to the pub to watch the rugby/football (probably a part of the reasons I ended up with a huge drinking problem but that’s another thread).

Now I simply don’t go (he does really like me going - he’s not an “out with the lads” type nor are his friends so partners welcome). I book theatre tickets with friends, go to the cinema on my own and I’ve just booked a two day spa break for myself. To be fair, we do also do a lot together but those are things we both enjoy - my issue is that I was doing things with/for him that I didn’t enjoy whereas he would never reciprocate. And I couldn’t enjoy the activity I liked knowing he was hating it, IFSWIM? Funnily enough - he likes to sit and watch TV of an evening and I would just sit with him - I got a TV in the bedroom at Christmas now I just go upstairs and watch a movie I fancy! Sounds a bit pathetic when it’s written down but it’s taken me nearly 30 years to get to the point of doing that!

As a PP said, it’s a new phase of life for you both - embrace it on your own terms and see how the next months/year pans out. If you are still truly miserable then it might be time to split.

There is always always something to chat about with my DH (we have been together for 21 years, married for 16 years). I would hate feeling like my husband didn’t want to talk to me very much, so I understand where you are coming from OP.

Yea I love the theatre and DH has no interest. In fact he's never been to even try it
But I go with friends who do like it, or I have been on my own, which I'd prefer not to. But unfortunately I dont have a big enough group of people who do like or can always afford to go. I'd like DH to sometimes maybe come along to something just for my sake but I'm not forcing him or enduring his miserable face!
The thing is , I would and I have been to things he likes on occasion. As isn't that what relationships are about? But I don't think , I'm fact, I know I won't anymore.

Your children don't notice you not speaking to their father for days on end ?

@Comtesse I always have something to chat about! We have such busy lives. He just doesn't like talking for the sake of it.
He didn't even go and vote yesterday. Will probably say that he forgot🙄
Will maybe mention something later as its all over tne news so can't avoid, but it will be brief.
I'd love to discuss the election but I won't be able to pin him down for that. He will just walk off and go and get in the shower as I'm.speaking!!

@PrincessMee
No we do talk about bits and bobs. But nothing of substance we work mostly opposite each other shift wise. So only in an hour or 3. When we are all hoke, older kids out and about. Younger ones maybe on xbox etc so hardly studying us. Dh hoes to bed really early too. Before Dc often.

Sorry
when we are all home. DC do own bits and bobs*

I don't think what you're describing is unusual OP. I don't think that humans are actually designed for the very long relationships that marriage can result in. They're good for society, but IMO less good for many individuals. I know there are people who are still very happy together after decades, but I think a lot stay together because it's hard to separate and disrupt everyone's lives.

In answer to your question - it is almost certainly partly menopause. Women get less tolerant of other people's crap when they aren't filled with lovely oestrogen making them feel cosy and nice and willing to facilitate everyone else's life at the expense of their own. I'm 50 and even though I've been on HRT for 4 years my tolerance my DH and kids' BS has massively declined. But there is also this new stage of life looming - kids leaving home, retirement, and whether that stage is looking happy and fulfilling or actually something to dread. I think you need to figure out what you want. Is it divorce? Because if it is, you need to start laying the groundwork.

You sound like a really active and interesting person.
Of course, the changes in your body and mindset due to menopause will have some impact.
But it’s much more than that.
Your post felt like a 2024 version of ‘Shirley Valentine’ and it was sad to read. You long for connection and engagement.
I know ignoring DH for days could be deemed abusive but if he’s not talking anyway, it’s like you are an appliance on standby and he doesn’t notice anyway.
How we could be cope if you were off your feet for a few weeks? You are also carrying a lot of mental load.
The voting issue - that would drive me mad.
It seems like DH is stuck in a rut of work, food, telly and bed and while he says he’s happy as should imagine he’s also bored, but the thought of change is too much.
Wish I had some great advice. But try and continue if you can pursuing your own interests, seeing your friends and perhaps tell them how you really feel.