To think that this must be mainly my hormones not my DH?

[JeanBjeanie]

Namechanged for this (don't know why)
Didn't know whether to post in menopause/relationships but figured I'd get more responses here.

Just need to rant/get everything off my chest today as frustrated and no one to really tell in RL.
Been with DH 30 yrs. I'm early 50s. 4 dc. Mix of ages. All at home. School/uni.

DH very different to me. Much quieter. Not a talker. Good man overall I'd say. Works hard. Reliable. Bit of a telly addict
Not really much get up and go.
I plan all holidays etc which he enjoys but would never initiate.
I love doing planning stuff though so fine on that score.

I'm definitely perimenopausal.
Been on HRT approx 2 years as was getting really bad anxiety. No other symptoms. I feel to someway better.
Except I literally feel like most of the time I cannot bear DH. He is so annoying. His lack of conversation is getting to me now. We bicker a lot. I hold a grudge and don't speak for days as I can't be arsed. He used to be quite sweet in the past and fuss over me. Now he doesn't. Think he's sick of me too but would never care enough to say. And would certainly never leave.
He loves me I know that. But I think he's intolerant of me and my faults. I don't blame him, but at least speak to me. He is happy to live a kind of half a life whereby we rarely speak as long as things tick over.

We work opposite shifts which I think suits him. The days he does see me he doesn't seem excited to chat to me. It's a quick hello How's things etc.
Lots of things that I probably thought were mildly annoying or even funny now grate on me. His table manners are awful for example!

He hasn't really changed I guess, so is it me?
I think maybe it's hormonal, maybe I should increase my HRT(gel). Will I get backto normal again or is this normal now?
I dread to think of DC leaving and it's just him and me as he's hardly going to suddenly turn into a bundle of fun is he?
Hes not depressed, in case anyone thinks that?!
Am I depressed though
I spend so much headspace thinking about the Dc when they were little and wishing it was then. Now I feel a bit flat and low. I love being a mum.

I don't have a massive social life but do go out and I love meals out, drinks occasional nights away with friends. Only a dew close friends and 2 sisters as a little group and we are all similar personality wise.No one else would guess I feel sad inside. I'd be described as a ' good laugh'.
I have a very busy demanding job. I actually hate it ,but it's interesting and well paid so I won't ever leave.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here really. Anyone else felt similar?
No actual point in trying to talk to Dh as I've tried a million times.
He will either say:
"I'm fine"
Stop going on and creating problems"
Will say he's happy.
He hates being pinned down for a conversation.
I toy with trying to be nice and rising above it all.
Barely chatting and doing my own thing( he's happy with this) or being angry with him.
I think what probably upsets me the most, is he knows I'm not happy a lot of the time and he would rather me stay that way then enter into a discussion.
And has this man got no respect that his wife doesn't give a shit about him overall and he doesn't care?
Don't get me wrong we have good times and sometimes things are great. But I feel we have more times not speaking than times when we are.
Sorry for humongous post!!!!

I think a lot of women get a new lease of life as their kids get older and need less attention. We want to put ourselves first after so many years of thinking about other people. This could be hormonal or it could just be situational- probably a bit of both. Whereas men seem to be more likely to want to do a bit less than before and start winding down towards retirement. This is maybe why he sees you as the problem OP - perhaps he thinks everything was going fine and you've moved the goalposts in some way?

I think that expecting him to change dramatically is unrealistic. So the question is whether you can co-exist comfortably, expect less from him and do fun stuff outside the relationship, or whether you want to split up.

Totally agree with @cheezncrackers

But, OP, from what you've said, your DH seems to regard you as an irritant rather than a confidant/lifetime partner, i.e. someone to 'chew the fat' with and chat about nonsensical things, TV programs, politics, what your neighbour said, how his mum behaved blah blah whatever! The way you retaliate to his behaviour is immature but equally understandable. Is he worried that conversation will turn combative and he just doesn't 'do' confrontation hence he doesn't engage? Does he display similar behaviour when he's with friends or with his family or his kids? Is it just you he's like this with?

I admit that before going on HRT I was picking fights left, right and centre with my amenable DH. He didn't know what had hit him. And I was beside myself with how shit I was feeling, how unreasonable I was being. HRT hasn't been a 100% fix by any stretch of the imagination but it has helped so yes, fluctuating hormones can be horrific and could be contributing to how you are feeling.

But no matter how bad your hormones may be, they don't excuse a lazy, disrespectful, ineffective lifelong partners behaviour though!

@Projectme
Hmm he kind of acts similar with others in some ways. Not a massive conversationalist with his own family. Talks but not like I am with my family.
People he knows from work etc totally different. Very chatty and puts on an act I'd say.
Not that I've been in this situation for a while mind, as I have no intention of ever accompanying him on a night out with a bunch of ppl I don't know.

@DollyBelle
Omg! The comment about me being an appliance on standby is true!!
It's like when he feels like a chat, he will switch me on and expect me to be available. The rest of tne time he's happy if I'm quiet.
Yesterday I messaged him.witha bit of gossip about someone we both know. I expected a bit of dialogue about it tbh. But no, just a smiley face.
Nothing when he came home from work.
However, earlier, we were in the car and he tried to strike up a convo about it! Randomly, as he was in the mood. I cut him short. Silly game I know, but I don't care.

I meant to comment earlier. Everythig you describe has happened to me in menopause, and to most of my friends.

I got an absolute new lease of life in my fifties once DC were grown. Had spent years doing most of the childcare and emotional labour, and putting myself last. Now I want to go everywhere, do everything, see everything. Simultaneously, I also missed the DC, and missed the emotional connection with them. So I looked to my DH for that. However.....

DH in his fifties and does a super stressful job. He has got more reclusive, quieter, and much less chatty in his fifties. Doesn't like to be social or meet friends. He can put on an act when required, but prefers to be by himself listening to a podcast. His job takes up most of his energy and social battery. I have energy left over.

All of the above is partly hormonal, but also men and women age differently, I think. Our oestrogen declines, just as their testosterone does. We get chattier, they get quieter. Men don't seem to want to talk about silly things the way women do.

We have arrived at a compromise. I do a lot of stuff by myself: book club, walking group, volunteering. Go to numerous talks, the theatre, and other stuff. I am always out and enjoying it.

DH likes to be at home and quiet in the week, but he will come out to the theatre, or a gig, or a movie on the weekends. He is also still keen on travelling, just not with other people. He will even organise stuff sometimes. He organised our last holiday.
I try not to talk his ear off, and spend a lot of time talking to my sister and my mum.

However, your DH seems to not want to compromise at all? I think some meeting in the middle is essential. I am not sure LTB will help. I think most men this age are like this.

Thanks
Yes i think I need to look elsewhere for stimulation and I do. I don't expect him to sit giggling and talking shit like I do with friends but a little bit of something!!
I saw a another thread yesterday about empty nest and I feel thats me
Although none of dc have flown the nest, they need me less and I find that really hard.
Just imagining life in 10 to 15 years and it will be lonely

It's mad as 10 years ago I'd have done anything for some time for myself and DH now I dread it.

Although none of dc have flown the nest, they need me less and I find that really hard.

One of mine has flown. I have found that very hard. The other has had some trouble launching, and I am really waiting for the day she does. It is hard, but them needing you until their 30s and failing to launch is even harder! Have a look at the parents of adult children forum. Full of people whose DC still living with them in their 30s. I definelty don;t want that.

Also, I want DC to see me as a person, and not just their mum/slave/solutions person.