The icing on the cake. 22 year old son seeing woman 20 years his senior.

[Mymothersfavouritegirl]

The background: Our youngest son left school with few qualifications, he’s not dumb but not academic. He began a 3 year apprenticeship but after 2 years and 8 months he got the sack for bad time keeping. He is now 22 and works in a bar, from that environment and the people he works with he began smoking weed over a year ago which continues even at work with his colleagues. He has been offered cocaine there also though he says he declined this. His personal hygiene standards are appalling, his clothes are so awful I dare say even a tramp is better dressed, his room resembles a tip, he’s pretty gobby, opinionated and will not take any advice from anyone in the family because he’s fine with the way he lives and feels he has the right to do as he pleases with his life. He lacks self discipline or respect for anyone. He is the polar opposite to our other 3 children who range from 25 to 37, and we feel as though we have completely failed as parents with him.
We are on the whole deeply unhappy with the situation, the house smells of weed ( he stores it in his room) our clothes also smell of it as it permeates from his clothing onto ours in the washer. He isn’t allowed to smoke it in our house but when we were away on holiday he did. We sought drug counselling and decided not to ask him to leave because we feared we would drive him further toward a darker way of life. He certainly cannot afford to rent somewhere and pay bills.
Anyway he came in one Sunday morning recently and after saying Hi and exchanging a few pleasantries he dropped into the conversation that some woman customer had waited for him to finish work, he then went home with her, they had sex, he came home and now he was now off to bed to catch up on his sleep! I was a bit shocked and enquired about her, he said he doesn’t want to date her, she’s in her 40’s and that’s probably the end of it. We haven’t experienced this before with our other kids and whilst I appreciate he’s got the right to see whoever he wants and do what he wants, we as Christian’s are struggling with this as it’s way off our own moral compass (not that we profess to be whiter than white) but we have tried to raise our kids to respect other people, respect themselves, encouraged healthy relationships and spoke of sex within a loving committed relationship rather than promiscuity. Last night he came home from work and said he was heading out to see screw her again. My husband and I feel that if this is to continue he has to leave our home, we are 62 and 59 and really don’t need this shit forced upon us. Am I being unreasonable to have these concerns and want him to leave or should we put up and shut up in order to maintain positive steadying influence in his life?

22 year olds don't need to settle down in a long relationship, it's perfectly normal at that age to have casual sex. Would you be as bothered if it was someone his own age?

You’ll get all the “he’s snd adult, he can sleep with who he pleases” comments on here. And whilst that may be true, as a parent it’s natural to worry about your child even if they are an adult. On mumsnet this seems to be a no no and you’ll be called all sorts for caring. In the real world I don’t have one friend with kids our age that would be ok with this. Honestly if he were my son and yes I do have 3 adult children I’d ask him to leave. He's treated your home as a hotel and the weed would be enough disrespect for me. Added to that the casual sex with a woman old enough to be his mother would be the final straw.

Was waiting for that comment 🙄

Ok the practical side, if she's in her 40s (as opposed to 20s or 30s) you're less likely to have an unwanted pregnancy and new grandchild via a still living at home, stoner, bar man ..... Which would become your problem too.

Your going the right way to loose your son if you carry on like this.

Can you live with that.
Who he sees is none if your business.

Why the eye roll?

If someone could help another parent with the benefit of their experience then surely that's a good thing?

Anyone who lives with ADHD would have recognised some traits immediately so I can only conclude you know nothing about the condition.

I suspect your other adult children may have also have short relationships and one night stands as it’s fairly common but they had the appropriate boundaries and knew not to tell you.

He’s having casual sex by the sounds of it, why do you think he’s being promiscuous? It may not sit right with you morally, but many people can enjoy sex outside the confines of a relationship. Sex and love don’t have to go together. I had a fling with a (much) older man for a few months when I was 20, it was fabulous!

I would have issues with the drugs though.

This. You’re completely overreacting about your ds’s sex life.

Surprised she's interested in him.
If she's (presumably) not married, why on Earth doesn't she enjoy her single life at 42?
Wow. 😳

Have to say, I have ADHD and I recognize none of this in my personal experience, though I do know that lots of people with ADHD engage in risk-taking behaviors. I have enough issues with compulsively overeating, so I never started drinking alcohol and I’ve never tried drugs.

Just pointing out that someone can know about the condition and not see their own experience in OP’s son.

And that’s the difference, I think. If they did those things, they figured it was none of OP’s business and they kept it that way. Her son’s sex life became OP’s business once he decided to tell her about it, especially seeing as he’s living in her home and presumably knows her beliefs.

OP, I’d give him a date by which to move out.

Yes that's true as one size doesn't fit all of course but some of the behaviours mentioned absolutely fit those that are recognised as very common traits.

I certainly don't think acknowledging that fact was worthy of an eye roll lol.

My DD is 22 . if she was sleeping with a 42 yo man , the answers would be the dirty bastard get him told , don;t let him wreck your daughters life

But a 42yo woman with a 22yo man .... well they;re adults , beak out

Promiscuous means sleeping with lots of different people as one night stands. He only seems to be sleeping with just this one woman?

I know a couple who've been together 27 years. She's 18 years older than him. He's in his 50s now and she is in her 70s. They are devoted to each other. He would not have coped with life without her. Don't judge.

Our youngest son left school with few qualifications, he’s not dumb but not academic. He began a 3 year apprenticeship but after 2 years and 8 months he got the sack for bad time keeping. He is now 22 ...................... he began smoking weed over a year ago which continues even at work with his colleagues. He has been offered cocaine there also though he says he declined this. His personal hygiene standards are appalling, his clothes are so awful I dare say even a tramp is better dressed, his room resembles a tip, he’s pretty gobby, opinionated and will not take any advice from anyone in the family because he’s fine with the way he lives and feels he has the right to do as he pleases with his life. He lacks self discipline or respect for anyone

Our job as parents is to try and teach our children how to best live in the world. Realistically, that's all we can do.

Sometimes they listen ....... and sometimes they don't,
As parents our job is also to support. And, so often, that's all we can do.

At the age of 22 you have to consider that he is an adult. He's said that he’s fine with the way he lives and feels he has the right to do as he pleases with his life.

So allow him the freedom to live like that............... together with the consequences of his decisions.

If you are ' on the whole deeply unhappy with the situation, the house smells of weed ( he stores it in his room) our clothes also smell of it as it permeates from his clothing onto ours in the washer'
you have to make it clear what you will and will not accept in YOUR home.

'we feared we would drive him further toward a darker way of life. He certainly cannot afford to rent somewhere and pay bills

You realise this. He doesn't realise this yet, but then he's still learning about life.

I'm speaking as a parent - there comes a point where you HAVE to let your child make their own choices in life - even though you can see they're going to be hurt and they're going to suffer.

It's the downside of being a parent - we see our children make their own decisions ........ and can see where it's going to lead .............

but sadly that's the way it works.

Yes, as parents we want to protect our children from ALL harm / distress / unhappiness.

Ultimately we have to let our children make their own decisions once they're adults so that they can live their own lives according to their choices.

Get him assessed for ADHD. Might save him and you many years of pain.

It sounds like you fully disapprove of his lifestyle choices, which of course is your right.
What I would say is, I don't think you should be kicking him out of the house because he's told you he's having a casual fling with an older woman.
He's an adult and can date, casually or otherwise, anyone he chooses over the age of consent.
I also can't see how your laundry could smell of weed because he's washed his clothes in the same machine? I have never ever had clean clothes come out of the washer smelling of anything but detergent!? I get you don't like the weed, but if he doesn't actually smoke it in the house then I don't think it's the worst crime of the century.
He should however be treating your home with respect, cleaning up after himself, buying and cooking his own food and toiletries. And also contributing towards the household bills. He's working, so this should be possible.
Of course if you've reached the end of your rope by all means kick him out, but I would say that was a little unreasonable as the preferred option.

@BobbyBiscuits Trust me, the smell of weed can come through in the most unusual ways. While I have no experience of weed in washing machines, I have made the mistake (once) of washing a Brasso-soaked cloth in the washing machine, and that permeated laundry for weeks afterwards.

Likewise the smell of smoke from cigarettes, I've known that to linger in washers & dryers.

I honestly couldn't care less about people smoking weed per-se, but the smell of it can be intolerable, even before it's smoked. I don't think those who use it have any idea just how horrific the smell is to others.

Yep, a 22 girl could live a drug free life, go to uni, have great personal hygiene and dress well, but if her mother posted here about her sleeping with a man in his 40s, she'd get loads of sympathy and he'd be accused of being a dirty old man.

Good grief.

I can understand your worries, OP. But I think you're focusing on the wrong things.

Your DS having sex with one woman more than once doesn't equal promiscuity. If your concern is him being sexually active in a relationship that's unlikely to become long term, I'd ask you if you expect him to remain chaste before marriage? If not, there's no reason to think this relationship is particularly bad news. What do you know about her? Is she a bad influence? If she isn't also a drug user or involved in crime, she's probably a brief and positive distraction for him. Look at it like this, it probably won't last forever, it may have a positive effect on his self esteem, spending time with her might be a break from the cannabis. Substance use and loneliness are a bad combination for young men. She's likely to be brief affair in his life, and whatever we may think of her, the affair is as likely to be a positive turning point as it is a negative.

I'd be most worried about the drugs and him losing one job and seeming to be directionless thereafter. Does he express any ambition or desire to make plans with regards to jobs and leaving home?

I know a lot about the condition and also a lot about lazy people .

this promiscuity is the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak.

Your adult son having consensual sex, not in your home, is the straw that broke the camel's back?

Come on now. Stop being so bloody ridiculous. That is literally the least of your issues with him.

He's a grown man. Boot him out. He can share with some other lads.

What on earth has that got to do with ADHD?