I've just told my DS7 that he smells of wee.

[SoggyTrousers]

I am being unreasonable because it's a horribly mean thing to say.

But I don't know how to stop it or help him. He's neuro-divergent but perfectly capable of going to the toilet. He understands that if he smells then there's potential that people will be mean. He hates meanness and unkindness.

He comes home every day stinking of wee because he's wet himself rather than going to the toilet. I thought it was because he didn't like the noise or other children in there, so I arranged with staff that he could go during lesson and he says to them he doesn't need it.

He won't go at break times. He won't go in the single toilets or the communal toilets. He wets himself at home rather than go. I've tried sending him every half an hour or whatever and he refuses. It's a battle I'm tired of having.

I know it's an interoception thing, I know it's also probably a sensory thing, but I'm so worried that he's going to have the (for want of a better phrase) piss ripped out of him in nine weeks when he's in year three with the big kids and he smells. He's getting on for being 8, what the fuck do I do?

You’re not a dreadful mum op. You’re muddling through like the rest of us. It’s not really possible to ‘fix’ things for our kids. We can try to find strategies, which work. My dd is 16 and I’ve questioned before if she’s neurodiverse. A child psychologist didn’t pick it up when she was little and neither did school and someone with a lot of experience with autistic kids didn’t think so either. It’s actually taken her developing anorexia for eating disorder specialists to say maybe she does have autism and PDA but we can’t test right now as she’s not eating enough and the results will be skewed. Idk if she will reach the threshold for diagnosis, but we can only do things to the best of our knowledge at the time and reach out to others with more experience.

My DD was similar and recently had a regression especially with poo. It was totally FOMO when she was younger but now it's constipation and leaking and this can also lead to wee problems.
Maybe see the GP and also the teachers can be firm "go now or there will be no more game/break time".

It might be worth getting a referral to the bladder and bowel clinic. My ds had a twitchy bladder and often didn't get the feeling till very last minute....then when he did it was almost instant. He ended up on medication until puberty. You can get boxer short style washable pullup type pants, a bit like period knickers, we used them for sleepovers but they might be worth a try.

Oh OP I hear you
We had this with our son from full on weeing himself down to his shoes being full of wee when he was in nursery, through to years of soaked underpants until the circle of damp on the front of his undies shrunk. I’d say by year 4 he was managing to stay dry so it did resolve.

I am disabled and unable to use virtually all toilets as once I sit, I cannot get up. I must stand to pee.
So I carry a portable plastic ladies' urinal in my bag with a wide opening and a lid to put on afterwards). £6.95 online.
It is your own personal loo, used by nobody else. Empty it in any toilet & rinse it in the sink. Dry on a bit of loo roll.
He may, like me as a child, be embarrassed and this gives confidence and control.

Can he bring a seat to school to put on top of the toilet seat?

If I need to sit on public toilets then I put loads of toilet paper around the seat.

My nephew was still soiling at school in year 5, my sister was called in every time. He was sensory overwhelmed. He is autistic and now 16 having just finished MS secondary school taking 9 GCSEs and expected to do A levels. Keep going with the right support he will get there. He was encouraged and supported to use the single disabled toilet as “his” safe toilet.

It's not mean to tell the truth if you say it kindly. It sounds like you approached it in a good way so don't worry. You had to tell him.

Of course you are not a dreadful mum. You want to help him and you yourself need help. That makes you a great mum.

Your child needs a referral to the enuresis team. Your school staff that you requested he is offered to toilet during lessons have failed your son by not alerting you to this team.
Your child is not dry. Your child should be dry by the time they are aged 4 years unless they have a medical condition.

Has anything been said at school about toileting? When my ND child started year 2 they asked to use the toilet during class, they were told 'you should have gone during break'.

6 months of daily accidents from one comment. Once we figured out the cause, both home and school explained that the toilet can be used at anytime that's needed. Unfortunately the damage was done, rule created and it took a long time to undo.

They even ask for permission to use the toilet at home, even now, almost a year later.

One comment meant that they would rather wet themselves in class than risk asking to go to the toilet and possibly break a non existing rule.

I only say this as for my dc, it only takes a very small thing to create utter havoc in their life that can take a long time to undo.

Have you asked him what time of day it happens? I’m wondering if you could tell him he must go at lunchtime, say, that would pretty much sort it?

Meh... my DSD is ND, I suspect. We had a similar issue with toileting. Sometimes a little bit of shaming is necessary... it's antisocial to walk around smelling of wee. DH's big fear was her being bullied for it at school. We were trying to prevent that, so yes, we did make it clear to her that she smelled bad and it was unacceptable and people wouldn't want to be around her.

This was when she was around 6/7.

I don’t have any experience or insight OP but it sounds really tough. What you said was true, not meant in a mean-spirited way and from what you describe it might be a good way to trigger a new behaviour.

Hope he gets it sorted. ☕️

OP i just wanted to send some sympathy.

Mum of ASD teen here. Didn't wet himself, but has wee'd in his wardrobe, in bottles for many years and then poo'ed into a tupperware box and hid it at the bottom of rucksack so we wouldn't find it. We had a cleaner in the house and he was too scared to leave his room aged 13.

Loads of other examples I could give.

I would be pushing for a diagnosis and making early appointments with the year three teachers to agree an approach before September.

I should as tell you that I tell him daily that he smells as he wont use deodorant and is shower avoidant! Don't feel guilty.

What? You’re amazing!

Will he wee in the garden? DS does more wees in the garden and yard (thankfully large and with regular rain) than he does on the toilet. Manages fine at school with the toilets but I suspect he does drink less during the day to reduce useage of school toilets.

Do you have a link for the pull-up pants?

I’ve got an incontinent child.

hes 7 with ADHD. Its draining cleaning shitty undies, he’s always smelling of wee and poo and he doesn’t care.

hes under the incontinence team, who have now said they have done all they can with him so he’s now been referred on to urology and gastronomy team.

hes never been clean and dry from potty training at 3.5 years.

@Zebresia25
These are the ones we used.

dryandcool.co.uk/shop/incontinence-pants-for-boys-army-219p.html?CookieConsentChanged=1

Nothing but solidarity for you@SoggyTrousers . My daughter has a genetic condition which means she struggles with many physical aspects of her condition. Sometime we have to deal with the world as.it is rather than as we wish it could be.

Not mean at all! My then 11 year old was terrible for washing etc. Then she hit 12& she was really smelly! I’m talking terrible bo & feet 😷
I tried the gentle approach and was met with arguments and why you always telling me to wash/spray etc. One day I just told her that she was so smelly that the smell was lingering, it was sticking to her clothes even after a wash and if I can smell it others can to and either I told her and she listened or others will and pick on her. Some days she still had to be told but was pretty much on the ball after that.

My friends kid had this issue. Wetting himself up to year 5 in primary school, telling no one getting sore skin. Went to bladder and bowl clinic and is on medication now and can now tell when he need the toilet.. no more accidents.

Would he pee into a bottle in school? Go into a cubicle, pee, empty bottle into toilet, flush, rinse bottle at sink, put lid on...

He might need to keep the bottle with him and the other students would find out what it was for of course.