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Original poster

Being told I should move and he will tell DS if I don’t?

72 replies

Aqwepy · 04/07/2024 19:17

Ex left me when pregnant, which I think is relevant, though he says I left him. I’m not sure how he’s come to that conclusion… he refused to speak to me for several weeks prior to birth, at which point I gave up.

Anyway, ds is now 3 and he has seen him most weekends despite living an hour away. He is now moving back to his home turf, where he grew up, for a job he says he can’t refuse.

He is saying I should move there too… so sell my home or rent it out and move… it is four and a half hours from where we currently are and where ds is in nursery.

I have said I do not want to move, he says I work from home mostly so I should be more flexible. His main point is this…. He said when we were together that he always planned on moving back to where he grew up and I agreed, which I did at the time as I thought we would be together happily ever after.

He is now saying if I don’t move that’s fine but he can’t see ds as much and he will explain to ds that I promised to move before I was pregnant and then changed my mind.

I am exhausted. Truly. Does he have a point here? I want what’s best for ds and I have done all I can to support their relationship but this feels like far too much to ask of me.

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 04/07/2024 19:18

No, he does not have a point. Do not let him make you feel any responsibility for this.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 19:19

It is a ridiculous thing to hold you to, you are no longer in a relationship so he can not expect you to do this on his say at all.

He is trying to just blame you for any and all of his shortcomings.

He can say what he likes but at the end of the day he is the one choosing to move and leave his DS not you.

StormingNorman · 04/07/2024 19:20

Nothing you agreed to when you were together is relevant now. You aren’t moving there as a family and you do t have the emotional financial support of a partner.

It would be a hard no from me. But honestly, the way these men weaponise their kids is disgraceful.

Marblessolveeverything · 04/07/2024 19:21

Ignore the poor deluded fool. Rinse and repeat. Seriously what on earth are these men on ?

FOJN · 04/07/2024 19:21

You agreed to move during the time you were together as a couple, you are not together now. Tell him to jog on.

PeloMom · 04/07/2024 19:22

You made a promise when you were together. Circumstances changed. Even if they didn’t you’re entitled to change your mind.
if a relationship with his child is so important he should stay in your area

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/07/2024 19:22

Like hell should you move 4+ hours away for your dickhead EX boyfriend's job.

PonyPatter44 · 04/07/2024 19:23

Tell him to crack on, then. A three year old really won't understand all that bollocks, they mostly care about Paw Patrol and cheesestrings. Of course you shouldn't move, because then you'll be four and a half hours away from your home turf, with only your ex for company. Very silly idea.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/07/2024 19:24

He's a bullying dick head.

Live you life and love your kid. Your DS will learn for himself in years to come what kind of father he has.

Motherofalittledragon · 04/07/2024 19:27

Tell him to jog on, bloody deluded fool.

MeinKraft · 04/07/2024 19:28

Your DS is better off without a father who threatens to tell him potentially upsetting things as a way of getting back at you. Fuckhead, be gone!

TuesdayWhistler · 04/07/2024 19:31

Tell him to get to fuck.

That's emotional abuse as far as I'm concerned.

He's just told you he's going to emotionally manipulate a child against you.

Nope.

I'd be questioning whether he's actually a good role model that any kid should be spending time with.

Maybe time for courts to get involved.

Child arrangement order
Lives with you
Visits father

And highlight you're concerned about these manipulative and controlling behaviours.

GreyBlackLove · 04/07/2024 19:34

If another ex came out the woodwork holding you to promises you made when together would you entertain it?

Absolutely not, tell him to fuck clear off.

GreyBlackLove · 04/07/2024 19:36

I agree about ensuring you have a legal framework in place around custody here. If you had to even ask this it's highly likely there are far more things he's pushing his luck on

BeeCucumber · 04/07/2024 19:39

He’s going to move anyway. He doesn’t really want you to move with him. He just wants to blame you for preventing him seeing his son - so that he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Original poster
Aqwepy · 04/07/2024 19:43

thanks these responses are what I felt too. So exhausted by him.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 04/07/2024 19:47

Tell him you will explain to your DS that Daddy is telling silly stories.

Tell him to do one with his pathetic attempt at blackmail.

And then don’t give it any more thought.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/07/2024 19:52

He’s very manipulative. He’s holding you to ransom with a threat, just because he wants to move. At least when he moves you’ll have some peace. As he has moved he will need to make the effort to see ds, I wouldn’t meet him halfway, it was his decision to move. Stay where you are.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 04/07/2024 19:55

He’s your ex.
You do not have to be manipulated and bullied by him.

Spotto · 04/07/2024 20:02

I'd say he knows very well that you're not going to move and doesn't actually intend to change your mind. It's just an exercise in shifting the blame onto you ready for when his child gets older and realises he's a deadbeat dad .

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/07/2024 20:03

Maray1967 · 04/07/2024 19:47

Tell him you will explain to your DS that Daddy is telling silly stories.

Tell him to do one with his pathetic attempt at blackmail.

And then don’t give it any more thought.

This.

’Is that knobber Daddy telling silly jokes again?’

Imagine trying to hold someone to a promise they made years previously when you were a couple. What a fucking twat.

romdowa · 04/07/2024 20:09

Trust me if you move he'll just find another excuse not to see his child. Let him off ! No way should you up root your child on his whim.

TuesdayWhistler · 04/07/2024 20:18

Aqwepy · 04/07/2024 19:43

thanks these responses are what I felt too. So exhausted by him.

You know...

One of the most positive things to come out of the court process for me is that I don't have to deal with the ex any more.

We communicate only when absolutely necessary and only via an APP that CafCass recommended.

The ex thought they'd be able to control me by requesting certain orders..
unfortunately for them, the magistrate said, and I quote,
"I don't see any sense or justification in making such orders."

We now have a court document setting out exactly where DD lives, when she sees ex and where we do 'handovers'

Nice, neat and peaceful and no more of them telling me what I can and can't do, who I can and can't see, where I can and can't live etc etc.

I'd recommend going through the effort to get child arrangement orders in place. Even if you agree and everything is amicable because things can change.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 04/07/2024 20:18

He wants to move, this will have up sides and down sides. He would like you to remove all the downsides for him and is annoyed that because you aren’t together anymore, you won’t just make his life nicer for him.

Greatmate · 04/07/2024 20:24

Stay where your support network is. He's choosing to move. That's on him. I'm sure you both said stuff 4 years ago that aren't relevant now.