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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told I should move and he will tell DS if I don’t?

72 replies

Aqwepy · 04/07/2024 19:17

Ex left me when pregnant, which I think is relevant, though he says I left him. I’m not sure how he’s come to that conclusion… he refused to speak to me for several weeks prior to birth, at which point I gave up.

Anyway, ds is now 3 and he has seen him most weekends despite living an hour away. He is now moving back to his home turf, where he grew up, for a job he says he can’t refuse.

He is saying I should move there too… so sell my home or rent it out and move… it is four and a half hours from where we currently are and where ds is in nursery.

I have said I do not want to move, he says I work from home mostly so I should be more flexible. His main point is this…. He said when we were together that he always planned on moving back to where he grew up and I agreed, which I did at the time as I thought we would be together happily ever after.

He is now saying if I don’t move that’s fine but he can’t see ds as much and he will explain to ds that I promised to move before I was pregnant and then changed my mind.

I am exhausted. Truly. Does he have a point here? I want what’s best for ds and I have done all I can to support their relationship but this feels like far too much to ask of me.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 04/07/2024 20:26

I certainly wouldn't move.

You may have talked about moving once but as a couple in a relationship together.
He broke the relationship off, you're no longer a couple now and he has absolutely no say in where you live.

What would happen if you caved in to him moved and by chance he started another relationship and his visits tapered off.

I'd stay put, leave little one in the nursery he's settled in.

There's no way I'd move miles away from my home/work and be held to ransom by some CF that didn't even want to stay in a relationship with me.

Mouswife · 04/07/2024 20:28

Wave at him as he leaves and then thank god he has moved so far away. Don’t follow this mule, it would be a huge mistake for you and ds.

and he has contact with ds in your town , not his.

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/07/2024 20:28

You agreed to a move eventually when you were in a relationship. He ended the relationship by giving you the silent treatment when heavily pregnant. He is now trying to isolate and bully you for his convenience.

Haveyouanyjam · 04/07/2024 20:34

Don’t give this a second thought OP. Up to him how he manages to make seeing his son work given he is one moving away from him. As long as you are reasonable (would occasionally take him part way, allow consecutive days so he can visit and stay somewhere nearby etc) you will be fine even if he takes you to court.

If he threatens you just respond calmly that your son will make his own mind up about everything when he is old enough and for now you will continue to act in his best interests.

Comtesse · 04/07/2024 20:34

He has got some cheek in asking you to do this. I don’t think you should entertain this.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 04/07/2024 20:35

Obviously don't move. If he ever says anything of the kind to DS, you simply explain that when you and him were in a relationship you'd talked about it. No problem.

Olika · 04/07/2024 20:38

What an idiot (your ex). He really thinks it's the same to move as a couple and move as not a couple. Just tell him you are not moving and he can bugger off to his home turfs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2024 20:39

Aqwepy · 04/07/2024 19:43

thanks these responses are what I felt too. So exhausted by him.

When I finally left exH, I had a total moment of clarity, when I suddenly thought, 'you're not my problem anymore more'. I can't tell you how to get there, but I can tell you it's a revelation.

Don't move towards a dickhead. Why would you? Stop engaging with him. Big smile, "I think we're off topic so I'll going to leave it there" then hang up, stop emailing, stop texting etc. Just drop the rope. When he engages about DS's actual welfare, or contact, or a genuine query, bog smile and engage. Think of it as dog training, with a particularly stupid and annoying dog.

RecycleMePlease · 04/07/2024 20:40

Spotto · 04/07/2024 20:02

I'd say he knows very well that you're not going to move and doesn't actually intend to change your mind. It's just an exercise in shifting the blame onto you ready for when his child gets older and realises he's a deadbeat dad .

Edited

Exactly this - he's just re-writing it in his head so it's 'your fault' that he doesn't see his son as much as he did.

You would be mad to move from a place where you have a house and routine and are settled for a weekend dad.

Lavender14 · 04/07/2024 20:43

Absolutely do not bow to this arsehole op. He's making the decision to prioritise himself above ds and your circumstances and what's best for either of you both. He's selfish and the fact he's narcissistic enough to think you'd actually be willing to go along with this is a major red flag. Why would you move from somewhere you have support networks and ds is settled and happy? ONLY do this if it is in your best interests outside of him and you'd decide to go there even if he wasn't. If he decides to lie and put that on your child then that tells you everything you need to know about him and proves that the distance is probably a good thing. As your ds grows up you can tell him your own version in an age appropriate way. He is trying to use your child to blackmail you. I'd be going nowhere with someone who would consider doing that to his own child.

Chartreux · 04/07/2024 20:55

If he had kept to everything he promised, both expressly and by implication, you wouldn't be separated. He can't pick and choose which parts of the deal were binding and which were not.

StarDolphins · 04/07/2024 21:03

He’s absolutely barking.

Try & only communicate via WhatsApp, if he calls, ‘miss’ the call then message him sorry & what did he want. Get into a habit of messaging so you have everything in writing.

Then keep calm but firm always. Defend yourself (you can see DD as much as you want etc, he’s settled in nursery here, I’m not moving him away from his family, it was your choice to move etc) then you have all the evidence you need for the future incase he lies to your DS.

Ge’s crackers. Stay firm & strong.

DreamTheMoors · 04/07/2024 21:16

Tell him that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard.
Then tell him that you can talk to your son just as easily as he can, and if he wants to see his boy, he’ll be making the drive to your house.
And then tell him that’s the end of it - that’s all she wrote, good night ladies, let the cows come home, and good night and good bye.

NeonGiraffe · 04/07/2024 21:27

Doesn't he factor in that previously you would have had a partner to move over four hours away with? He wants his way so has fashioned this load of old gaslighting word salad to try and persuade you. Ignore this ridiculous request and tell him to take a hike with repeating this nonsense to your child.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2024 21:31

He’s moving away which you can tell your ds at an appropriate time, this is nothing to do with you. Ignore his nonsense.

Hotgirlwinter · 04/07/2024 21:31

Tell him to get to fuck.

DO NOT MOVE

don’t worry about what he says he’ll tell them they’re older, one of two things will happen - he’ll move and after a few months he’ll be too lazy to bother doing the regular journeys to see them or DD will catch on pretty quickly that her dads a prick and really won’t entertain what he says about you.

Tell him to get a court order and communicate only in writing. It’s really hard I know OP but he is just attempting to manipulate you, you absolutely do not have and should not move

Ponderingwindow · 04/07/2024 21:35

It’s not crazy for him to ask if you could move for his work.

if you agree, he should be bending over backwards to make the move easy for you and to mitigate the financial impact.

if you decline, he shouldn’t move because moving away from his child is unreasonable unless he is in the military.

MrsKarlUrban · 05/07/2024 06:34

Get tough, don't let him bully you, he's just going to have to put in more effort to see him

BifurBofurBombur · 05/07/2024 06:41

Please do not move!

Brandonsflowers · 05/07/2024 06:46

BeeCucumber · 04/07/2024 19:39

He’s going to move anyway. He doesn’t really want you to move with him. He just wants to blame you for preventing him seeing his son - so that he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

This!

Drop the rope. Tell him ok and let him crack on. Then get on with your own life and ignore him.

Codlingmoths · 05/07/2024 06:57

‘We won’t be moving. I recommend you not explain that to ds, as well as it being parental alienation he will only judge you for it when he’s older. It’s not as if he won’t join the dots one day and realise you left me while I was pregnant with him.’

Codlingmoths · 05/07/2024 06:57

Oh and I’d add he will also realise no one made you move away, that was a choice you made, so start owning it.

Londonrach1 · 05/07/2024 07:03

Yanbu. You not together. Anything agreed to whilst you were together is no longer valid. He is a bully. No way you leave your area unless you want too.

Calamitousness · 05/07/2024 07:04

No, you don’t move. Your son is 3, he will be happy with you where you are happy.
Your ex is an arse. Who gives a shit about what you said 4 years ago. He presumably said he loved you then. Are you holding him to that ?
If he sees less of his son that is his choice. Nothing to do with you. No family court would make you or think you should move. Just repeat that he is making his own decisions. Not yours. You are separated, he cannot make decisions about your life.

unbelieveable22 · 05/07/2024 07:12

Stop engaging with him on any topic other than his access with your son. All communication via a method where there is a record. His job and where he is living is not your concern.
He is still trying to control you. Send him one last message where you state your position. Ignore any further attempts from him to continue with these ridicolous demands.

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