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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to look after DSD anymore...

61 replies

spottedinthewild · 04/07/2024 13:29

Okay, before I get flamed...

DSD is not DHs bio-child, but he has been in her life from day 1. We don't have any other children, and don't intend to.

DH & I have been together 9 years. DH carried on contact with his DSD after break-up and she has always been with us at least 50% of time. DSD 17F has now lived with us full time for last 2 years, after her relationship with bio-mum broke down and she asked to live with us. She is now becoming increasingly difficult, refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". No, she isn't depressed, she is more than happy to do things with other people, but is treating our house with no respect.

She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events, which makes DHs family feel awful as they have been in her life for 17 years.

We receive 0 financial support from either parent, and have been told we can't claim child support as bio-mum is already doing this, so we are financially struggling to support her too.

AIBU to sit down this weekend and tell DH that either she goes or I do? DH works away 5 days a week, so I bear the brunt of everything, and I can't do it any more.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 04/07/2024 13:33

AIBU to sit down this weekend and tell DH that either she goes or I do? DH works away 5 days a week, so I bear the brunt of everything, and I can't do it any more.

I can’t believe you’re in this situation with a young person who’s not related to either of you. And certainly not while your DH is away 5 days per week. YANBU

MollyJustMight · 04/07/2024 13:35

Yes - sit home down and explain all of what you've done here. I think you've been an angel to have carried on for so long.

TruthorDie · 04/07/2024 13:38

You’re a better woman than me, l wouldn’t have been able to tolerate this for so long. I would 100% say she goes or l do. Interesting the way her mum opts out and so does her dad leaving you. Sounds like a nightmare

ViaBlue · 04/07/2024 13:39

Yanbu

Applescruffel · 04/07/2024 13:40

Bio-mum is fraudulently claiming child benefit. Tell them this and put in your own claim.

Then tell DSD to get her act together or she can piss off back to bio-mum

Ellerby83 · 04/07/2024 13:40

You say the bio mum receives child support. Is this child maintenance from the dad or child benefit? Either way I cant believe she is keeping it herself!!

Thursdaygirl · 04/07/2024 13:40

Interesting the way her mum opts out and so does her dad leaving you.

Very good point

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2024 13:41

No. She goes home to her Mum and stops taking the piss. She is old enough to be told this.

JacksonAverysEyes · 04/07/2024 13:41

YANBU at all to feel this way. However, be prepared to leave if you do say this and don’t get the outcome you want. They may not be biologically related, but to all intents and purposes, he’s her dad.

Applescruffel · 04/07/2024 13:41

Ellerby83 · 04/07/2024 13:40

You say the bio mum receives child support. Is this child maintenance from the dad or child benefit? Either way I cant believe she is keeping it herself!!

If the child is not living with her, it's straight-up fraud.

RantyMcRanterton · 04/07/2024 13:42

Your husband and the SD have no legal relationship, is that right? He's not adopted her through his prev marriage?

TinyYellow · 04/07/2024 13:47

If you want to go then go but don’t give a parent an ultimatum like ‘it’s me or your child’. You’d deserve to lose badly.

Your DH needs your support, and your DSD is being a normal teenager displaying behaviour that can reasonably be expected of a 17 year old whose parents have let her down. Maybe she’s subconsciously testing your DH to see if he really does love her as a daughter. Hopefully he does and she doesn’t get let down by even more adults.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2024 13:47

You must be one of the most agreeable people in the world to have ever put up with this. You are not being unreasonable. Ultimatum time, and you need to mean it.

DisappearingGirl · 04/07/2024 13:48

Oh I'm torn on this - because so many people's (bio) teenagers have a phase of behaving like this, and it would be so damaging to be thrown out of the family home for it. Okay so neither of you are her bio parent, but your DH has been in a parent role her whole life, and it sounds like you've been in a step parent role since she was 8.

However - it's not okay for your DH to be away 5 out of 7 days so you have to deal with it all. It's also not okay for bio mum to take no responsibility. I'd say this even if you or your DH were her bio parent.

I think the issue is that all the other adults are leaving you with full responsibility for a difficult teen, which is not fair.

AutumnFroglets · 04/07/2024 13:48

AIBU to sit down this weekend and tell DH that either she goes or I do? DH works away 5 days a week, so I bear the brunt of everything, and I can't do it any more.
He's not parenting as he is not there and it doesn't impact him. He needs to start supporting you and read her the riot act. Either shape up or leave.

and have been told we can't claim child support as bio-mum is already doing this, so we are financially struggling to support her too.
That should have changed two years ago. It's too late now as it stops at 18, unless she plans to continue with college then I think it's 19. Write to CB and tell them change of address. Let them handle it.

refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events
Pick your battles. She can see whoever she wants. Give her options to visit but ultimately there's nothing you can do except physically drag her and thats a no. Perhaps invite your side to visit more.

Tidying her bedroom only impacts her. Just close the bedroom door as you walk past. Let her have dirty clothes on the floor and a stinking bed. If clothes aren't in the communal wash basket she doesn't get them done. However do insist on dirty pots and food rubbish being brought down. She's turning into an adult so treat her like one where it doesn't really impact you. If she won't say if she's home for dinner then don't cook for her she can have toast. If she's messy in the house then get a box and dump everything in that for her to sort. Not your problem if her muddy shoes end up on top of her favourite white jumper etc.

Leaving the door open and creating safety problems IS the one you insist no negotiation on. It impacts your safety as well as negates house insurance.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 04/07/2024 13:51

So you're childfree by choice but have still ended up burdened by someone's else's mistakes?

Bloody hell they saw you coming.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2024 13:51

TinyYellow · 04/07/2024 13:47

If you want to go then go but don’t give a parent an ultimatum like ‘it’s me or your child’. You’d deserve to lose badly.

Your DH needs your support, and your DSD is being a normal teenager displaying behaviour that can reasonably be expected of a 17 year old whose parents have let her down. Maybe she’s subconsciously testing your DH to see if he really does love her as a daughter. Hopefully he does and she doesn’t get let down by even more adults.

The husband needs support? That's all he's been fucking getting. He can't call himself a parent in any way, shape, or form. Not only is he not a biological or legal guardian, he works away all week and leaves the op to deal with everything. He parenting contribution is fuck all.

Tagyoureit · 04/07/2024 13:57

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2024 13:51

The husband needs support? That's all he's been fucking getting. He can't call himself a parent in any way, shape, or form. Not only is he not a biological or legal guardian, he works away all week and leaves the op to deal with everything. He parenting contribution is fuck all.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this.

DH is not doing any of the heavy lifting here so DSD can move back in her mum.

Despair1 · 04/07/2024 14:02

DisappearingGirl · 04/07/2024 13:48

Oh I'm torn on this - because so many people's (bio) teenagers have a phase of behaving like this, and it would be so damaging to be thrown out of the family home for it. Okay so neither of you are her bio parent, but your DH has been in a parent role her whole life, and it sounds like you've been in a step parent role since she was 8.

However - it's not okay for your DH to be away 5 out of 7 days so you have to deal with it all. It's also not okay for bio mum to take no responsibility. I'd say this even if you or your DH were her bio parent.

I think the issue is that all the other adults are leaving you with full responsibility for a difficult teen, which is not fair.

Spot on! Thank you

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 14:03

@spottedinthewild WTF! not your child and not your hubby's child??? why the hell are you looking after her full time when mother gets the financial benefits!! pack up her stuff and put it on the doorstep. change the locks. speak to her through the window and tell her to go home to her mother!!

Marblessolveeverything · 04/07/2024 14:06

YANBU but her dad as he has been since day 1 is being horrendous to her.

As an aside, I would never expect a 17 year old to engage with family events they are nearly an adult and mandatory socialisation never goes well and destroys them establishing relationships into adulthood.

plysa · 04/07/2024 14:08

This is a private fostering arrangement and social services need to be aware that DSD is not living with biological family.

Claiming child benefit when child doesn't live you with is fraud.

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 04/07/2024 14:09

Jesus OP YANBU

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 14:10

@spottedinthewild added whose house is it?? it it owned or rented and whose name is on the rent book or lease?

LittleOwl153 · 04/07/2024 14:14

Only you know whether you can continue to do this. I would sit him down, not with an ultimatum but with a decision made.

You cannot do this anymore so you are leaving. End of.

If he challenges it then that is the time to put in your requirements to stay. But you have to be prepared to follow through and leave.

To stay I would expect:

  • Payments from the mother towards her keep. This can transfer to the child once she becomes an adult in terms of paying board.
  • Respect from her with regards to you, your property and communal property.

At 17 I would treat her like a flatmate during the week, but expect DH to pick up the 'family' idea whe he's home. I'd forget the family visits, and the messy room (as long as it stays in her room). She's a teenager- sadly it's a phase many go through.

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