AIBU to not want to look after DSD anymore...

[spottedinthewild]

Okay, before I get flamed...

DSD is not DHs bio-child, but he has been in her life from day 1. We don't have any other children, and don't intend to.

DH & I have been together 9 years. DH carried on contact with his DSD after break-up and she has always been with us at least 50% of time. DSD 17F has now lived with us full time for last 2 years, after her relationship with bio-mum broke down and she asked to live with us. She is now becoming increasingly difficult, refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". No, she isn't depressed, she is more than happy to do things with other people, but is treating our house with no respect.

She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events, which makes DHs family feel awful as they have been in her life for 17 years.

We receive 0 financial support from either parent, and have been told we can't claim child support as bio-mum is already doing this, so we are financially struggling to support her too.

AIBU to sit down this weekend and tell DH that either she goes or I do? DH works away 5 days a week, so I bear the brunt of everything, and I can't do it any more.

Sorry for being a bit thick, but this girl is your DH's DSD with an ex partner, (I'm assuming she was pregnant by another man when they got to father?) and not related to either of you in any way? Why on earth are you putting up with this situation at all? Her mother needs to step up and parent her child. YANBU

You need to pack her belongings and take them and her back to her mothers home.
Change the locks. Her bio parents, your DH and your non DSD are taking the piss
They really saw you coming didn't they!!
It has to be a case of she goes or I go, I'm afraid. Either way you need to claim your life back x

Honestly, she just sounds like she could be a normal teenager who is maybe acting up to test the boundaries or maybe has ADHD (re forgetting to lock door and breaking things). It’s hard to tell from your OP whether any of this is her being malicious or just normal teenager stuff. It’s also very normal for teenagers to withdraw from family stuff.

I don’t think an ultimatum would be the best first approach - you should sort out finances - so support from her mum towards her upkeep and address your DH not being there enough. Perhaps some kind of family meeting.

Treat her with respect and kindness, pick your battles - her room is her business - forgetting to close door, work with her to find solutions (sign on the door for example/contraption that auto pulls it shut?).

All of this. The fact that she isn't his biological daughter is a reason for her to feel insecure, not for him to throw her out.

I wouldn't say "Her or me" I'd go straight in with "I'm leaving". That's the only fair way to do it.

This is one of the more bizarre things I have ever read on here.

This teen is absolutely nothing to do with you. She is a step child once removed! Either her mother or her step father need to deal with her but to expect you, twice removed effectively from being a blood relative, to deal with her, especially in the absence of your DH, is utterly bonkers. You didn't even want children! I know, that if you married a man with children you agree to that life however she is not even his child.

How / why on earth have you put up with this? Your DH and the mother are both beyond CF's, don't enable them any longer.

Poor you and poor kid.

If you love your DP, don't give him an ultimatum. Have a conversation with him where you explain this cannot continue, you cannot live with the SDD any longer, so she needs to move back in with one of her parents asap.

Absolutely fuck that.
You've put up with this ridiculous situation for far too long. She goes home or it's over. They are piss takers!

YANBU.

DH is taking the piss.

When does she turn 18 so you can tell her to leave?

Poor girl. Issues with her mum and then the man who raised her gives her a home but is away most of the time, leaving her with someone else. Who does she have in her life who wants to parent her properly?

I get that this is falling unfairly on the OPs shoulders and the OP is not to blame, but this girl needs some the adults around her to give her some proper attention and to come up with a better solution.

I came on expecting to say you were being unreasonable but clearly not. You are looking after someone else's child which is putting you at a financial loss and that child (or actually young adult) is treating you and tour partner awfully. You have to set clear boundaries and limits of what you expect with her living with you and if she doesn't adhere to them she needs to go back to the mum, if your partner doesn't back you up then you need to stay somewhere else and he can sort her. I hope things improve for you. And try to remind yourself teenagers can be pretty rotten, and often to those they like the most as they feel safe with them!

Child benefit. She's never claimed maintenance despite claiming to have no money, and in the past we've paid for food shops for her etc.

No legal relationship, she's not adopted.

She has a mother that can house her, they've both been taking the piss.

YANBU.

OP, you're a saint.

Think of the weight off your shoulders when this is resolved.
She will have to go back to her mother's place, and you won't have to deal with her anymore.

You'll feel brand new.

I can’t believe you even started this in the first place!! But of course you’re not unreasonable, you’re an actual bloody saint!

All you need to do is print off the child benefit form send it in and they process it. Takes about 6 weeks, also you could have claimed cms from both parents as a person with care. You’ve been screwed over!

Wow, saint @spottedinthewild - you've been extremely supportive and she's being a brat - she needs a bit of shock therapy to realise she's actually not the Queen of Sheba

The baseline is that he is her dad and parent. He's been there since day 1. He maintained joint custody (50%) and she now lives with him and his new partner. Pretending 17 years of being her dad is not real because there is no legal documentation is cruel beyond measure. To wash his hands when she's a stroppy teen would be devastating for her. Another adult she can't count on.

The real issue is that he dumps primary care on you. This is what you need to sit down and discuss with him. This isn't a 'it's her or me' moment. This is a 'you need to be here to raise the daughter you committed to or I'm out of here' speech.

It sounds like it’s her mother who is behaving badly. At the very least she should be providing some financial support.

The girl may be acting up and being difficult, but she needs support.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm amazed that you felt you had to ask. Your DP and his ex are both taking the piss. I would be issuing ultimatums TODAY.

A lot of teens go through this stage.

If they are yours you have to grin and bear it and work towards improving their behaviour.

Not only is she not yours she isn't your DH's either.

I'd sit down with your dh first and say that it's not on, she's going through a difficult stage and if he wants to parent her he needs to parent her which means him doing it not you.

I think your words are what's bizarre. Why would you say DSD is nothing to the OP?

DH (the only father she's ever known) has been in her life since birth. Whether or not he legally adopted her, she is his daughter.

That didn't end with the relationship; he may not have given her his DNA, but she's still his child.

Which means OP is her DSM. She has been since they married, when DSD was 8. The parents shared custody until 2 years ago, so she was helping to raise her stepchild. That what parents and stepparents do.

Which is why I'm astounded at the people saying she's no one to the OP! What is wrong with some of you, negating the relationship and telling her DSM to kick her out or to leave?

Yes, I see that her behavior isn't great right now, but this same scenario plays out in families everywhere. She needs to have consequences that matter to her, and a family discussion about respecting one another. If she won't follow the house rules, she needs to know what she stands to lose.

OP, do pick your battles. She keeps her door closed, and no food or drink leftovers or dishes in the room. And her sheets are to be washed every x number of weeks.
This way there's no bugs and that area of the house doesn't smell bad.

Communal areas must be kept clean, and she absolutely can't continue to leave the house unlocked.

Let her make decisions independently when it's practical. She needs to realize she is the one who's going to be be responsible for herself; treat her respectfully and hold her to commitments.

You and DH need to agree on guidelines before talking to her, and stick by them. If she doesn't want to live by House Rules, then maybe you all need to go back to shared custody. Maybe a few weekdays with her bio mum, 1 or 2 with you, and weekends with her dad taking charge?

She needs to be responsible and respectful, and you need to let yourself love her again.

I did anonymously call up about the situation and was told that we couldn't claim as not related. Now I realise that's rubbish.