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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to look after DSD anymore...

61 replies

spottedinthewild · 04/07/2024 13:29

Okay, before I get flamed...

DSD is not DHs bio-child, but he has been in her life from day 1. We don't have any other children, and don't intend to.

DH & I have been together 9 years. DH carried on contact with his DSD after break-up and she has always been with us at least 50% of time. DSD 17F has now lived with us full time for last 2 years, after her relationship with bio-mum broke down and she asked to live with us. She is now becoming increasingly difficult, refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". No, she isn't depressed, she is more than happy to do things with other people, but is treating our house with no respect.

She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events, which makes DHs family feel awful as they have been in her life for 17 years.

We receive 0 financial support from either parent, and have been told we can't claim child support as bio-mum is already doing this, so we are financially struggling to support her too.

AIBU to sit down this weekend and tell DH that either she goes or I do? DH works away 5 days a week, so I bear the brunt of everything, and I can't do it any more.

OP posts:

Original poster

spottedinthewild · 04/07/2024 17:16

beenwhereyouare · 04/07/2024 16:43

I think your words are what's bizarre. Why would you say DSD is nothing to the OP?

DH (the only father she's ever known) has been in her life since birth. Whether or not he legally adopted her, she is his daughter.

That didn't end with the relationship; he may not have given her his DNA, but she's still his child.

Which means OP is her DSM. She has been since they married, when DSD was 8. The parents shared custody until 2 years ago, so she was helping to raise her stepchild. That what parents and stepparents do.

Which is why I'm astounded at the people saying she's no one to the OP! What is wrong with some of you, negating the relationship and telling her DSM to kick her out or to leave?

Yes, I see that her behavior isn't great right now, but this same scenario plays out in families everywhere. She needs to have consequences that matter to her, and a family discussion about respecting one another. If she won't follow the house rules, she needs to know what she stands to lose.

OP, do pick your battles. She keeps her door closed, and no food or drink leftovers or dishes in the room. And her sheets are to be washed every x number of weeks.
This way there's no bugs and that area of the house doesn't smell bad.

Communal areas must be kept clean, and she absolutely can't continue to leave the house unlocked.

Let her make decisions independently when it's practical. She needs to realize she is the one who's going to be be responsible for herself; treat her respectfully and hold her to commitments.

You and DH need to agree on guidelines before talking to her, and stick by them. If she doesn't want to live by House Rules, then maybe you all need to go back to shared custody. Maybe a few weekdays with her bio mum, 1 or 2 with you, and weekends with her dad taking charge?

She needs to be responsible and respectful, and you need to let yourself love her again.

Show quote history

Thank you, you're absolutely right she is my DSD too, which makes it even harder to feel this way. I feel so guilty for just not being able to cope with the situation.

The reality is, as frustrated as I am, I don't want her to go. I don't want to send her back to her bio-mums due to past issues and being another adult that has failed her. I also don't want to live like this.

OP posts:

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 04/07/2024 17:19

Wishimaywishimight · 04/07/2024 14:50

This is one of the more bizarre things I have ever read on here.

This teen is absolutely nothing to do with you. She is a step child once removed! Either her mother or her step father need to deal with her but to expect you, twice removed effectively from being a blood relative, to deal with her, especially in the absence of your DH, is utterly bonkers. You didn't even want children! I know, that if you married a man with children you agree to that life however she is not even his child.

How / why on earth have you put up with this? Your DH and the mother are both beyond CF's, don't enable them any longer.

This is such a horrible attitude - she may not be his biological daughter but he has been her father figure since she was one. The age of 17 is exactly when she will be questioning her parental relationships, pushing boundaries etc - just the worst possible and cruelest attitude would be to pull the rug out from under her and say “he’s not even your real dad”. It would be completely immoral to play dad since a child is one and then abandon the relationship when she becomes a difficult teenager.

OP should put aside the issue of her not being bio daughter and just approach it exactly like she would if he was her “real” daughter.

Which means you don’t kick a 17 year old out of home for having a messy room and not wanting to attend family events - you work through it and ensure her dad is doing his fair share.

It’s very possible that the daughter has sensed this attitude of her not being a “real” daughter and this explains her withdrawing to her firmly biological family. The solution would be more stability, more reassurance that she will be loved no matter what and that this family is her real family too.

mybeesarealive · 04/07/2024 17:28

Will she be going to uni at 18? Is it a short term problem? Lots of complicated factors, but she just sounds like a bolshy teenager. She'll grow out of it, probably!

Ellerby83 · 04/07/2024 17:30

If she does go to uni guess who will be funding her.

Catopia · 04/07/2024 17:42

plysa · 04/07/2024 14:08

This is a private fostering arrangement and social services need to be aware that DSD is not living with biological family.

Claiming child benefit when child doesn't live you with is fraud.

This. You need to notify the LA, particularly if the placement is at risk of breaking down.

kkloo · 04/07/2024 17:54

She is now becoming increasingly difficult, refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". No, she isn't depressed, she is more than happy to do things with other people, but is treating our house with no respect.

A lot of that is normal teenager behaviour even if it is difficult.
Apart from leaving the front door open and breaking items.

She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events, which makes DHs family feel awful as they have been in her life for 17 years.

She's allowed to not go to social events. This is something that hurts a lot of adults but it's not bad behavior, most of them come back around and enjoy the family time again after. Of course in your situation she's seeing the bio-mum for events so you're comparing and taking it personally, but that's a you (and DHs family issue), not an issue with the DSD.

Original poster

spottedinthewild · 04/07/2024 18:36

DisappearingGirl · 04/07/2024 13:48

Oh I'm torn on this - because so many people's (bio) teenagers have a phase of behaving like this, and it would be so damaging to be thrown out of the family home for it. Okay so neither of you are her bio parent, but your DH has been in a parent role her whole life, and it sounds like you've been in a step parent role since she was 8.

However - it's not okay for your DH to be away 5 out of 7 days so you have to deal with it all. It's also not okay for bio mum to take no responsibility. I'd say this even if you or your DH were her bio parent.

I think the issue is that all the other adults are leaving you with full responsibility for a difficult teen, which is not fair.

Missed this post earlier - tbh it was kind of what I wanted to hear, that other peoples teens go through the same thing and that it's not personal to our situation. Yes DH needs to step up more, I see that now.

OP posts:

Cheeseismyfavourite · 04/07/2024 19:34

Ellerby83 · 04/07/2024 13:40

You say the bio mum receives child support. Is this child maintenance from the dad or child benefit? Either way I cant believe she is keeping it herself!!

Wild isn’t it? Out of the 4 situations where the dad was the resident parent, the mother didn’t pay any maintenance in all 4 cases despite working, for some reason the dads never pursued it.

In DH’s case when he was the RP his ex had SD 2 nights a fortnight, paid no maintenance AND claimed the all the child benefit. She earned double than him think £25k/£50k

She is now RP since she married and stopped working. Shes persuaded SD that DH is a deadbeat dad as he doesn’t pay enough for her (or so she says) the ironic thing is she’s the only person in picture that has never contributed a penny towards her daughter

GoFigure235 · 18/08/2024 09:54

I disagree with some of these posts that she's "nothing to do with you". Unfortunately due to both her parents being useless, you've assumed something of a parental role to her and sounds like you're the only decent parent she's got. It's a bit unfair to her to ditch her now for what sounds like fairly usual challenging teenage behaviour. It isn't her fault that the other adults in her life are completely useless and her care ended up being divided this way.

I would behave like you are in truth her parent, put a rocket under her arse and make it clear that certain behaviour will not be tolerated or there will be consequences - wifi turned off etc. And make it clear to her that she'll be 18 soon and so it's always open to her to ship out somewhere else if she thinks she can get a better deal there.

Hopefully you've not got long left of this, but if you can bear to stick it out for a year or so more, it might make a big difference to her.

Greenhedge1 · 18/08/2024 10:01

OP, sorry but you have been taken for some mug by all the adults connected to this child, especially your husband.

I think HE needs to sort her behaviour out or she should leave.

It is your home, so you don't leave until it suits you.

She is 17, she knows well how to behave, I have a daughter that age.

Do not tolerate this.
I cannot believe that you both have allowed her mother commit benefit fraud for years.
Please report this.

Sweetteaplease · 18/08/2024 10:09

YANBU. But I do feel sorry for her, her parents and her step dad have all opted out.

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