Batshi* crazy SIL? AIBU?

[rainbowsandsparkles86]

SIL and I don't have a particularly warm relationship. Over the years she has made me feel unwelcome when we visit the in-laws, has said a number of inappropriate things and at every opportunity will try her hardest to get a cheap dig in - if not about me, then my family.

I've had no contact with SIL since Christmas when I told DH that I was going no contact as I was fed up of her comments. He got it as she was also inappropriate to him, but given that she is his sister he won't go no contact.

I've always had the impression that feels that I have taken her brother away from her - she seems to think she knows him pretty well by commenting previously and inappropriately on her perceived perception of our married life and his evident bedroom frustrations. She oversteps the mark, crosses boundaries I have put in place and basically any opportunity will say something to belittle me or have a dig.

We have a family WhatsApp chat - I get on with the rest of DHs family, but I have muted the group as I can't really leave the group.

Yesterday DH posted a jokey thing up about a husband and wife. SIL is straight on it and in caps is writing LOVE IT LITTLE BRO and then fills the rest of the message with hearts, kisses and other emojis. She then has evidently misconstrued the joke and thinks it is a dig at me and then (I won't say what the joke was as it will be outing), and then posts a close up photo of just her and DH with a strength arm emoji with lots more kisses and hearts.

I think she's batshi* anyway, but feel like she is now having a dig at me by positing comments and photos of just her and DH and telling DH not to forget his roots and who is BLOOD family are - for context we live a good 5 hours away.

DH thinks I am overreacting - I probably am, but AIBU to think this woman is just as mad as a box of frogs? I dread having to spend any time with her as feel she doesn't make it easy for me - last time we visited she screamed at me in her own home, throwing open doors and asking if I wanted to see inside her cupboards etc.

my Aunt has mh problems and is never rude to anyone.

OP, I am pretty sure I've read many of your posts about this crazy woman and her weird enmeshment with your DH and her parents.

Rant away - she's batshit and unpleasant - but you've done what you have to do to manage your own MH. If it's still not working, perhaps you choose to exit the group completely at this point.

Don't get me wrong, i feel you and have been there obsessing over a crazy inlaw. But that way just lies madness.

Put ‘stop being so incest-y SIL 🤮’

I too have a crazy SIL, sounds quite similar to yours.

She's obsessed with my partner/her DB when he gives her absolutely nothing. He ignores her calls/texts/everything. She's a vile human being (think credit card fraud on DP) but she just doesn't see what she does wrong.

Thankfully the ignorance has worked and we don't have any contact from her. Although this may be different if MIL was still alive as she sadly passed away a few years back. She used to blackmail MIL and if she was ever to see our DC you bet there was some 'emergency'.

Sorry to ramble but you just have to grey rock as hard as it is. Don't rise to her, that's what she wants. Just don't engage at all, she will get bored.

How truly bizarre! I can never understand this whole sibling jealousy of spouses, I LOVE my SIL, she's like another sister to me.

Is she single? Unlikely this behaviour is anything to do with you personally and she'd be like this with anyone. Can your DH not see how odd this is, surely he must know others who have siblings and see this isnt normal.

eewww what did she say about the ‘bedroom frustrations’. are you sure ‘d’h hasnt been being two faced?

she sounds bizarre, too close for my liking!

What a horrible situation to be in!

Does she have issues in her personal life by any chance? Sometimes when people feel out of control at home they’ll try to assert themselves where they know they can. Usually a daughter will feel she has more power in her blood family (and over her SIL). My point is, she may be punishing you because she is unhappy in her own life.

What does your aunt have to do with it?

OP you need to archive the group chat so you don't see it at all. Stop giving her headspace. You can't change her, so you need to totally ignore everything she says and does, no matter how weird/rude/provocative. I have similar so you have my sympathies, but you really do have to completely disengage.

At some point your DH must have given her the green light to behave this way towards you. Him sharing the joke in the WhatsApp does kind of indicate he’s making out he’s under your thumb somehow.
Your SIL sounds very odd though. She obviously sees you as a threat. The ‘blood family’ comment always gives me alarm bells, because people who say that are often hell bent on keeping in-laws at a distance from the family, and you stand no chance with them no matter how welcoming and friendly you are.
Your DH needs to be the one to draw a boundary with her I think, but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that.

Oh also with the family chat - just make up an excuse to leave! Even if it’s a poor one - it’s so worth it!

I was once in a similar situation and just left the group (jointly with my husband). It was so exhilarating haha! Since then both the SILs in that group are now divorced so the group is over anyways. I think by removing ourselves as punching bags they were only left to attack each other!

OP. Do you mind if I message you? I have a SIL exactly the same, and I would love to chat with someone in a similar situation. My SIL is utterly batshit in the same way!!

She sounds crazy and incestuous!

Out of interest, what's her relationship status?

Also, we she screamed at you, how did the rest of the family react? I can't imagine just standing idly by whilst someone was shouted at for no reason

If I were you OP I think I would have just left on the spot being screamed at. Listen to everyone telling you to get out of the group chat. Tell your DH that you trust him to not share sensible information with her and have your back if she makes comments about you. And then just pretend she does not exist.

I feel like it's so yuk and batshit that I'd have no issue totally ignoring. The rest of the family must also recognise that she's mad. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Be glad you live 5 hours away, we found that being abroad was marvellous. It's not compulsory to be in contact via Whatsapp etc with people we don't like simply because we're married to someone's brother.

She's an arse. Don't give her the satisfaction of reacting.

I feel your pain @rainbowsandsparkles86 I have a similar relationship with my SiL. She recently accused me of taking her brother away from her. The irony is I've always promoted DH having a relationship with her despite how she treats me, he just isn't faffed about contacting her. I also mute the family WhatsApp for my own sanity. Not sure I have any pearls of wisdom, but know you're not alone!

Then you are allowing her to control you! If you decline and she rambles on just say 'Is No too long a word for you too comprehend?'.

Agree with all the people saying there's something going on with the DH saying things.

She isn't being like this for no reason, he's obviously complaining about you to her in a big way.

Sorry to break it you op but if your husband is too busy taking his sisters side over yours then I wouldn't happily say you get along. If my husbands sister posted messages and pics like this knowing how my hubby is he'd probably photo shop me in the pic to highlight how silly she's being. Theres no reason they can't be close, there's no reason they can't be acknowledged as family but when you feel the need to post pics like that for no reason there's obviously some weird jealousy thing going on but it's so easy for dh to brush it under the carpet and for that reason it continues. For me it was my mil. Always asked for me to not be in family pictures... first few times it was hard to say anything but one time my hubby blasted her in front of everyone and said if I'm not in the pics neither is he. Surprise surprise She never did it again, sounds like your dh is an enabler and yes he does care more about her feelings then yours.

This sounds so made up

This.
There have been occasions in the past where I wish I'd done exactly that instead of standing there and taking it whilst everyone else looks at their shoes but I didn't want to "cause a scene" by leaving when it was in fact the other person shouting that was causing a scene.

The person screaming should be the embarrassed one and they would be if you walked out. You would remove their target and they'd have to face everyone else. I don't that many would actually spring to their support and say well done. Most would shuffle away or change the subject and the shouter would be thwarted.

Sympathies OP - I have one of these. It’s bat-sh*t - and you are DEFINITELY NBU! I completely cancelled my SIL - stepped back entirely- and it’s fairly plain sailing once you put yourself out of reach. Some Sis’s can have a weird controlling interest in their bro’s and an innate/toxic jealousy towards wives/ - regardless of how nice or respectful you may be towards them. You will find that other people across the IL family will respect you for cancelling this disruptive and disrespectful behaviour. Best of luck!

This was my EX SIL. Nightmare. When I divorced her brother and he met someone new she did the same to his new partner. She then tried to criticise the new partner to me and become friendly. After years of nastiness. I think the attempts to befriend me were to upset the new partner. I give her silence.