How to deal with male colleague undermining me

[spiropunk]

We're in the same team for the same length of time but doing different jobs.

We started off well and were friendly, there was a small group of us who arranged to work together in the office and head to the pub afterwards then he slowly started cutting me out. Stopped being as friendly and became standoffish.

A big turning point for me was when we all arranged to go into the office, I sent him and another colleague in our team the desk number I'd booked and he came in, said good morning, and sat in a completely different area from me with our other team mate (male, friends with him). We rarely go into the office and generally the whole point is to sit with your team. Plus we'd arranged a night out that night which a few of us went on and it was fine. It felt like I was publicly shunned and I was mortified. I called him out but he shrugged it off and said he didn't realise we had to sit on each other's shoulders when we came onto the office. It was embarrassing. Our other colleague had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to get me to move to sit with them which I obviously turned down. It was so petty and childish, like he was trying to assert his dominance.

There's been little things of undermining me in meetings but only when our line manager isn't there. Then yesterday he did it twice by effectively telling me how to do my job which is completely different from his and I was in the meeting because another team mate asked me for my expertise and wanted me to join. So I did to support my colleague and then I felt my professionalism and ability was called into question when he took it upon himself to undermine the points I was making and questioning my proposed next steps.

This has really affected me. Just on Monday my manager was discussing a promotion for me (other colleague is a higher grade than me, not even the same level). I've had a great week feeling like I've smashed it and then yesterday had the rug pulled from under me and I can't stop thinking about it.

I scheduled a meeting with him alone this morning about something I need his input on but I don't think I can get through it without bursting into tears!

I'm giving this far too much headspace and ruminating over it. I need a kick up the bum!

Does anyone have any advice/insight?

I think you're being totally daft about where he sat, and your reaction to this could be the cause of how he is now being. Your reaction sounds controlling and childish to me.

So there were two people from the same team sat in different areas of the office. Your more senior colleague chose where to sit and you called them out on it?!

Did you call out your other colleague too for not sitting next to you?

"Publicly shunned" because someone sat at a different desk is a lot tbh.

Repeat some affirmations about yourself and your job. Imagine zipping yourself up from the ground up to your head to pull yourself together and protect yourself from his negative comments.

Be clear on what you want his input on. If he deviates, ignore him and get him back to the point.

If you feel tearful, take a drink of water, compose yourself, remind yourself you are good at your job and let the wave of emotion pass. Breathe deeply, zip yourself up again and bring the discussion back on track.

If he undermines you, maybe say.. I hear what you are saying, thanks for your input, I will discuss this with manager / other colleagues. We also have to bear in mind what is working in this scenario and the specifics of X Y and Z which might be slightly different to the scenario you are dealing with.

"publicly shunned" because of where he sat? He isn't your direct report, he's your peer

You sound a bit dramatic OP. I'd probably sit somewhere else too.

Why does it matter where people sit?
Are you 12?

Bursting into tears would be deeply unprofessional of you, so don't for the love of all that's creepy do that. He's a colleague. Be professional. Being professional means listening to other viewpoints, considering them and either taking them into account or disregarding them. You sound insecure and immature, and that's unprofessional too.

Honestly, go to work and do your job. He's a colleague, not a pal.

I wouldn't post on here for support or advice OP. Too many people love to pick holes in posts.

For what it's worth, I know exactly what you mean. I had a colleague who picked on another colleague like this and it was always seemingly explainable or little things. That was a deliberate choice so if they were called our, they could say the other colleague was overreacting, but it was constant and really upset them. In the end it became a obvious to everyone and the spiteful colleague got moved to another department.

Can you speak with your line manager about it and say you've noticed make colleague's attitude towards you seems to have changed?

@CovertPiggery it's not picking holes at all. Can you imagine going to your boss and saying colleague X sat on a different desk to us so I had a go at him and now he's being off with me. Its not picking holes, it's literally people's opinion on the reaction to him sitting at a different desk with his male colleague.

I get what you mean about them sitting elsewhere, if you rarely go into the office the idea is to spend time with your team.

I think he’s got wind you’re in line for a promotion and he’s trying to undermine you so you don’t get it, or don’t feel worthy of it - and right now he’s doing just that. Call him out every time he does it, especially in meetings in front of others.

It's not just about the desk though is it.

It's his attitude towards her changing and the desk is one example of his new behavior towards her.

If someone I managed started undermining someone in meetings, being off with them and deliberately booking the rest of the team seats away from this one person, I'd be asking them what was going on.

Work colleagues are not friends or family. You dont need to be friends with everyone in order to work with them. I say with sympathy, as its something I had to learn and it still sometimes gets to me, toughen up. Be professional. Dont fall into the tedious stereotype of the overly emotional, fragile and needy female employee. Hol dyour head up high, be cheerful and courteous to everyone, and absolutely grey rock each and every snub or putdown. The only thing you MUST respond to, is the professional context where your expertise is challenged or questioned. Then you most definately push back and assert yourself. But stop trying to be chums, sit together and socialise etc. You dont need it to do your job. Rise above it and be professional, this too shall pass.

Interesting that people are fixating on the seating issue, and conveniently overlooking the gross undermining at the meeting.

OP ignore seating issues, but when it comes to work matters, assuming what you’re saying is correct, stick to your guns. Acknowledge whatever it is he’s saying (otherwise you’re laying yourself open to accusations of ignoring him), but then counter with your reasons/rationale. Keep it calm and professional, and have faith in yourself.

Regarding today’s meeting, one way or another, you’ve got to manage your emotions. Keep the meeting on subject, if he tries to derail, bring it back, every time. If he mentions the meeting yesterday, bring it back to the matters at hand.

It also might be worth keeping a note of any issues as/when they occur in case of need.

You've got this.

Thank you for the supportive comments.

I'm not going to explain the desk situation further because I know exactly what happened that day and no amount of me explaining further will change the minds of those who are effectively gaslighting me.

I am an adult human female with flaws and emotions just trying to do a good job and prove myself in a world with others who are trying to do the same. Not in a competitive sense but in a trying to survive and get ahead in what can be a shitty world. I don't need a man to come along and try to put me back in my box.

Yes, I may get emotional or teary over some things but, fuck me, I'd rather that than be a robot or a person who kicks someone when they're already down.

I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves. So when the complete opposite gets done to me, on purpose and what feels like a form of sabotage, then I don't understand it and struggle to deal with it.

No one’s ‘picking holes’. They’re pointing out that the OP overreacted to a colleague choosing to sit elsewhere on an office day, which makes it hard to determine whether she’s also overreacting hugely to completely ordinary meeting discussions — her metric for slights seems unduly sensitised if she equates a colleague not sitting beside her with being ‘publicly shunned’.

I’m normally hyper sensitive to this having spent decades observing male colleagues trying to undermine me. But I think you are being very precious and silly about where he chose to sit.

There may be other examples of him undermining you but if that’s the most obvious one I think you are creating problems for yourself frankly.

People have friends at work and you can’t control this. He is absolutely within his rights to choose to sit with his mate.

@GinToBegin I'm not overlooking anything. OP says that was the turning point. My opinion is that it's clearly been a change in behavior since the desk saga. His behaviour is obviously crap since then, I didn't comment on that I simply just said the reaction to where he sat was ott.

And gaslighting?? OP you're probably best not asking for people's opinions if they simply give their opinion and you then say you're being gaslighted on here ffs.

Whoah. Again, the melodrama. Look, we all have colleagues who are difficult and sometimes undermining. Mine is actually female, and it’s not personal, it’s general.

@Rondel and now we are gaslighting 🤯🙈

Our other colleague had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to get me to move to sit with them which I obviously turned down.

What jumped out at me was how biased this ^^ sounds.

He didn't have the 'good grace' to sit at the desk you booked, so how is he any different to the other guy?

Either way you're right, you're giving it too much head space. He's not your boss, and offices up and down the country are full of men and women like him.

Just do your job and give him far less thought.

Why is his sex relevant? But regardless you are coming across as a bit over the top

How about a short, to the point email saying you’ve considered his points but for x, y, z reasons they won’t work? CCing the others in the meeting of course

"I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves. So when the complete opposite gets done to me, on purpose and what feels like a form of sabotage, then I don't understand it and struggle to deal with it."

it sounds like you see yourself as 'nice' - and thats great. But not everyone else is, so you have to give up any dependence on everyone else "supporting others to be the best version of themselves'. Unfortunately people can be absolute shitheads. So you need to be able to shake it off and rise above. That means developing some assertiveness, getting a bit of a thick skin, and maybe having a little store of standby responses - practice how you will clap back when this idiot undermines you or challenges your suggestions, run through them, the more you do it, the stronger you will get. Its hugely uncomfortable, women are conditioned to stand back and be submissive and emotional, its absolute hogwash. Stand up for yourself. Dont focus on feeling hurt and snubbed. Focus on feeling ANGRY that he is diminishing you professionally!

Kindly, if your reactions on here are anything to go by, I think you could probably do with having a little rethink on how sensitive you are and how you're letting non issue things get to you and become an issue. I don't see anyone on here gaslighting you, more of a case of you not liking their opinion. That's not really how life works unfortunately.