How to deal with male colleague undermining me

[spiropunk]

We're in the same team for the same length of time but doing different jobs.

We started off well and were friendly, there was a small group of us who arranged to work together in the office and head to the pub afterwards then he slowly started cutting me out. Stopped being as friendly and became standoffish.

A big turning point for me was when we all arranged to go into the office, I sent him and another colleague in our team the desk number I'd booked and he came in, said good morning, and sat in a completely different area from me with our other team mate (male, friends with him). We rarely go into the office and generally the whole point is to sit with your team. Plus we'd arranged a night out that night which a few of us went on and it was fine. It felt like I was publicly shunned and I was mortified. I called him out but he shrugged it off and said he didn't realise we had to sit on each other's shoulders when we came onto the office. It was embarrassing. Our other colleague had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to get me to move to sit with them which I obviously turned down. It was so petty and childish, like he was trying to assert his dominance.

There's been little things of undermining me in meetings but only when our line manager isn't there. Then yesterday he did it twice by effectively telling me how to do my job which is completely different from his and I was in the meeting because another team mate asked me for my expertise and wanted me to join. So I did to support my colleague and then I felt my professionalism and ability was called into question when he took it upon himself to undermine the points I was making and questioning my proposed next steps.

This has really affected me. Just on Monday my manager was discussing a promotion for me (other colleague is a higher grade than me, not even the same level). I've had a great week feeling like I've smashed it and then yesterday had the rug pulled from under me and I can't stop thinking about it.

I scheduled a meeting with him alone this morning about something I need his input on but I don't think I can get through it without bursting into tears!

I'm giving this far too much headspace and ruminating over it. I need a kick up the bum!

Honestly, OP, while I don’t know exactly what your role involves, it sounds to me as if your ‘breezy’ small talk, ego-massaging and enquiries into his interests isn’t working as an approach with this colleague, who sees it as you acquiescing to your lower position on the pecking order. Which it does, to me, too, a little. No one ego-massages someone with less power. They don’t need to. And if you’re busily making conversation about his interests, and he’s not reciprocating, I think it’s implicitly saying he doesn’t need to pretend interest or make equivalent small talk. Especially if he then dismisses everything you suggest and then suggests it himself as if it’s his idea.

Did you challenge that? ‘Simon, I think you can’t have been listening. I literally just said we could do X, and you dismissed it.’

In future, I would cut the small talk and ego massage in one on ones, stick strictly to the agenda, and don’t let him take credit for your ideas.

If you give some idea of what he does to undermine your contributions in meetings, people can probably suggest assertive responses.

In the meeting I made suggestions on what I thought would work and asked him his thoughts, he seemed to dismiss everything I came up with but then suggested exactly what I had

I hate people like that. I had one in my last job and I used to say "Oh wonderful, I'm glad you've come round to my way of thinking" with a smile on my face. They always looked annoyed, but couldn't deny it, although they did try once and one of my colleagues jumped in and said "Nah, mate that is exactly what she said" Ha

Exactly. That’s a useful way of taking back ownership of the idea, and can be done semi-humorously, if, as I suspect, the OP isn’t going to be comfortable with snapping ‘Simon, are you deaf? I literally just proposed that and you pooh-poohed it.’

There are parts of your post I don’t quite understand.
The night out a small group of you had- was he on it? Because you mention that night out without being clear about whether he was there and then go on to say it was downhill from there. What happened to start all that? Was he not invited to that night and perhaps feels you all left him out?

You also mention the more recent night out after he sat in the the separate area but state ‘it was fine’. Was he on that night out?

The desk thing, it does look like he pointedly and rather childishly sat in a totally place but was it just you he sat separate from? If not then I’m not sure you can take it personally.

Perhaps he is jealous and sees you as a threat due to your promotion. If you feel he is undermining you then have a word with management, but the desk thing, I get it but I would let that one go.

Oh, and assertive responses to the undermining behaviours you describe could include

‘oh, I’m glad you agree with what I said’
’why exactly don’t you think that would work?’
’clearly we are on the the same page then’

Get a grip?

Reading comprehension must be a problem for some who are saying op is overreacting to where the colleague sat. It is clearly written that the male colleague had slowly started cutting her out, being standoffish and not as friendly before the seating incident occurred and that was what tipped the scales for her. This is covert bullying and needs to be addressed by HR

He is bullying you. Stop being nice to him. Confront him, that is what bullies understand.

In the meeting I made suggestions on what I thought would work and asked him his thoughts, he seemed to dismiss everything I came up with but then suggested exactly what I had 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fred, can you just explain for me the difference between that and my suggestion?

Fred, have you been woolgathering again? That’s just what I said already.

Fred have you got anything new to offer, that we haven’t already considered?

Agree this is a really good approach - sweet smile - "Yes, precisely - that's exactly what I was saying at the beginning of the meeting. Great minds, eh?"

I understand your frustration OP, if this male colleague normally would sit with you and now for whatever reason has decided he dosent want to it can feel like you have done something wrong or offended that person somehow.
Please don't worry about that as its just childish games don't be drawn in to it.

If he undermines you in a meeting then simply acknowledge his point and then counter it as you have already said you are good at your job don't be afraid to make your point.

Sounds like your colleague feels threatened by you. I would just smile and carry on. Try ignoring him. If he deliberately calls your expertise into question just ask when did he complete the training. Alternatively let him speak ignore him and carry on regardless. Tears are a weakness you keep for private. This needs the dragon in you to assert itself.

Misogynistic behaviour at work is pretty common place. So many men still can't deal with women as their equals, or superiors, no matter what they say, or believe about themselves.

That said though...it's just work you know?

It sounds like you had an expectation (about the team sitting together). He didn't have the same expectation. Unless that expectation was explicitly communicated and agreed upon, the only problem here is that your internal expectation was not met and then you chose to verbalise that. That can be surprising and confusing to other people; they weren't privy to what was going on in your mind. Bottom line -that was a you thing.

And I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves. It's a great sentiment, but again a you thing. Some people are just at work to pay their mortgage you know? Or coasting through a difficult period in their personal life, or, or, or...

It feels like you're having a bit of a theory of mind failure here and not only overthinking but attributing how you believe things should work to others. If people aren't on the same page, this kind of thing can be quite intense. And some people are seriously rubbed up the wrong way by intense colleagues.

I get that you are ND and that might mean regularly stepping back to remind yourself what is you stuff and what is other people. It's also worth bearing in mind that around 1 in 20 (or more) people are ND. What if this guy's autistic traits meant he had a strong preference on where to sit, or a blunt way of communicating. Everyone has their own stuff going on and their reactions and behaviours are rarely actually about us.