How to deal with male colleague undermining me

[spiropunk]

We're in the same team for the same length of time but doing different jobs.

We started off well and were friendly, there was a small group of us who arranged to work together in the office and head to the pub afterwards then he slowly started cutting me out. Stopped being as friendly and became standoffish.

A big turning point for me was when we all arranged to go into the office, I sent him and another colleague in our team the desk number I'd booked and he came in, said good morning, and sat in a completely different area from me with our other team mate (male, friends with him). We rarely go into the office and generally the whole point is to sit with your team. Plus we'd arranged a night out that night which a few of us went on and it was fine. It felt like I was publicly shunned and I was mortified. I called him out but he shrugged it off and said he didn't realise we had to sit on each other's shoulders when we came onto the office. It was embarrassing. Our other colleague had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to get me to move to sit with them which I obviously turned down. It was so petty and childish, like he was trying to assert his dominance.

There's been little things of undermining me in meetings but only when our line manager isn't there. Then yesterday he did it twice by effectively telling me how to do my job which is completely different from his and I was in the meeting because another team mate asked me for my expertise and wanted me to join. So I did to support my colleague and then I felt my professionalism and ability was called into question when he took it upon himself to undermine the points I was making and questioning my proposed next steps.

This has really affected me. Just on Monday my manager was discussing a promotion for me (other colleague is a higher grade than me, not even the same level). I've had a great week feeling like I've smashed it and then yesterday had the rug pulled from under me and I can't stop thinking about it.

I scheduled a meeting with him alone this morning about something I need his input on but I don't think I can get through it without bursting into tears!

I'm giving this far too much headspace and ruminating over it. I need a kick up the bum!

OP you are madly overreacting and being melodramatic. Does his choice of desk impact how you do your job?
And if you really think you are going to burst into tears in a meeting then I suggest you urgently seek some therapy. This is not normal.

Yes, I may get emotional or teary over some things but, fuck me, I'd rather that than be a robot or a person who kicks someone when they're already down.

But there's a massive area inbetween, and it sounds as though that's what you need to work on going forward.

Otherwise the rest of your working life is going to be very difficult, no matter where or who you work with.

Have to say I wouldn’t have posted if I’d seen the latest update.

But broadly speaking, whatever the thread, I still don’t think it’s helpful to focus on one aspect of a poster’s situation and ignore others - and this is something that happens quite often, I’m not singling anyone out here. Yes, in this case, the seating situation may have been a turning point, but the OP has to deal with the situation as it is now.

Anyway, I’ve posted the one thing that I thought might be helpful, and after that update, the thread is clearly going to go south (and probably end up deleted), so I’m checking out.

@GinToBegin people are commenting on why it seems this situation has happened, so it's facts. Rather than pinpointing one thing. But yeah, I agree it will be deleted soon because its not going as OP might have planned.

I have had males try this

I would suggest

Concentrate 100% on yourself
Spend less time & energy thinking about other people

Laugh to yourself, about how someone else is trying to treat you & if necessary call that person out.
I have seen some males treat women like "sport" at work & in relationships. They think that they are funny & clever, but they are cruel & unkind.

Do not steep to playing games against other people

If you are unhappy at work, look to applying to another department or to another work place

However, even if you move, you will always find lazy work colleagues & people that do not want to work with you - beware !

I agree I need to be more assertive and grow a thicker skin and said as much to my mentor this week and have taken their comments onboard.

I am always trying to improve, and I'm much better than I was. I try to live by the mantra that I cannot control other people's behaviour only my own but sometimes I get into my own head too much and my usual strategies don't always work.

I also have RSD from my ADHD so I KNOW I'm more sensitive than I should be.

I also know the other guy was also not great on the situation but he speaks to me like an equal and doesn't undermine me. We work well together when needed but I don't need him to be a friend, just to treat me respectfully.

Is he like this with other women? Is it a chauvanistic thing?
I would actually be tempted to ignore him and not call him out ... yet ...but observe what he's doing when and why and then take it further if you need to. Main thing is your boss is fine with you.

I think you may have set the tone when you kicked up over where he sat. It doesn't give him the right to pick away at you, but I think you're being a bit sensitive over the desk thing. Therefore maybe the other things too?

Some people will find your weakness & poke you
I agree stay strong !

You 'called out' a colleague because he didn't sit next to you?

I'm sorry, but if anyone did that at my work everyone would think they were absolutely nuts. You're not at school. I'm not surprised he was chippy with you and that people acted embarrassed - I doubt it was him who was making them feel embarrassed.

@TiredMaryy His behaviour didn't change after the desk issue, there had been little niggly things up until that point that I dismissed. That day was blatant so it was a turning point for me.

@TedWilson He is very bitchy and gossipy about everyone but nice as pie to their face. He is very much the leader of his pack of friends at work. He's made misogynistic and bigoted comments in meetings when it's "friendly faces".

Maybe you'd have had different responses if the desk issue wasn't mentioned. Because it's odd behaviour to make a fuss over where someone has sat.

Ok, so you've identified the issue. You have a choice- let his arsehole behaviour bother you, or not.

Another thread here today had a similar situation- male colleague groaned about working with female colleague.

She went to her boss and restructured a project to work with someone else.

I don't think you need to go to your boss over this, but you can rearrange things so you don't care what he does.

Tune him out. Focus on other people.

Having Googled 'RSD', I think if you feel it's relevant to the situation, you definitely should've included it in your OP.

Surely, if you work together in a team, it's beneficial to sit together when you're in the office? So you lot do sound nit picky over that.

This guy is being a massive prick, undermining the OP, purposely leaving her out etc, and it's causing friction when, quite frankly, there doesn't need to be. The OP and him are not even doing the same job, they bring something different to the team and this guy is basically telling the OP how to do her job and making colleagues feel awkward in the process. That's not professional at all.

OP, start keeping a record of this and also record your meeting today if you can. Tell him you're doing it so you can refer back to what he's said, that may stop the prickish behaviour.

Don't lose your cool, he's not worth it.

@spiropunk
Look, he probably doesn't like you. That shit happens.

You say that you work together well when needed. That's it, focus solely on that. Otherwise, keep your distance from the Mr Misery Gossip unless your career depends on him.
Then take the head space you've just created and go and do a great job and earn the respect of your boss. Put your energy where it matters.

You sound like you might be hard work...

Honestly, I think I'd be keeping out of the way of someone who seems to be so sensitive, dramatic and emotional.

Good luck with the meeting! I really like what @ChateauMargaux wrote, hope you can use it, and feel your strongest!

I don't see a need to "call him out", rather saying "since we're in office let's take the opportunity to work together today, mind if I join you?" and plump yourself down beside them.

And you need some self-supporting cliches like "well, there are many views on this and I've been asked to share mine because of my background in Thingy/because that's what we found on the Thingy Project".

He wont be the only twat you get to deal with!

Not in a competitive sense but in a trying to survive and get ahead in what can be a shitty world. I don't need a man to come along and try to put me back in my box.

He's really got up your nose! "Get ahead" is competitive - what else can it be? And that's OK. People manage competition in different ways.

I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves.

Well, he doesn't. A lot of people don't. You still have to stay cool and cope with that. If you're looking for strategies many people find "transactional analysis" useful for managing this kind of office interaction calmly and effectively.

Take that straight to HR.

Ahhh your last post explains it OP. I also have RSD and ADHD.
The undermining you in meetings is shitty but you have over- reacted to the incident with the desks.
Once you have calmed down and have time to think through all this , you will realise the situation is not as bad as you think. You are in that emotional place where life feels untenable.

no one is gaslighting you here. Hugs . Take a deep breath !

If you have RSD, you ought to sense check with colleagues to ensure you are not over-reacting. In most work environments, it is not undermining to ask questions about a proposed solution. Perhaps you could check in with other colleagues who were in the meeting, to find out if you were being overly sensitive.

Certainly you must never again start arguments about someone sitting with a different team member; if I were your line manager then I would have explicitly told you to settle down with that behaviour, because you will have made multiple colleagues unnecessarily uncomfortable.

Stepping forward from here, it isn't worth trying to apologise, because you missed the moment on the day and late follow-up will just add disruption. Resolve to be pleasant and professional; when colleagues see you can behave rationally, the silly behaviours should be quietly forgotten.

Thank you everyone. It's good to get it all out and get different perspectives.

I didn't include the RSD thing because the last time I did on here another person with ADHD said they'd never heard of it and they weren't like that.

My mentor had also suggested noting things down as and when.

The meeting has happened, I was breezy, massaged his ego a bit, asked questions about things I know he's interested in. I small talk at the start of every meeting, plus I'm interested in hearing more about other people I work with. My job depends on building relationships and I have a wide and varied network of colleagues and we have mutual respect for each other.

I realised when I was doing that with him on this call that I can't recall him ever asking me anything personal, even if I had a good weekend. He does that with other people in the team but never with me.

In the meeting I made suggestions on what I thought would work and asked him his thoughts, he seemed to dismiss everything I came up with but then suggested exactly what I had 🤦🏼‍♀️

I definitely need some standard responses that are neutral but assertive that I can use in meetings when he undermines me again. I haven't said anything in those meetings at the time and just stayed silent.

Sounds like you did well in the meeting after all. Well done!

Planning out neutral/positive responses ahead of time can be really helpful. Rather than seeing it as "when he undermines me" see it as "when I have to support my expertise". Which you may need to do for different reasons even when he's not there. It can only do you good to have them on tap.