Thoughtless gifts AIBU

[Itsrainingten]

Anyone else really hate getting thoughtless gifts and think it's REALLY selfish?
As adults DH and I tell everyone we don't need gifts for birthdays/ Christmas whatever but there are certain people who decide to give us presents regardless. That's very kind and generous IF they've actually taken time to think of something we'd probably like or enjoy. But what I really hate and don't understand is family members who ignore the request for no presents and go out and buy something that there is actually zero reason to think we'd want. And then get offended when we don't gush about it or really use it. WTF is that all about? Some recent examples have been - a cycling jersey for DH who doesn't own a bike or even have any wish to, a knitting bag for me when I don't knit, gifts aimed at 5 year olds for our 11 year old twins.
WHY? it feels like an attempt to control us or maybe people are unloading shite they've been gifted themselves?
If we're honest (but kind) about it because we really don't want all this waste and then effort on our part to have to try and return stuff, we get huffy responses about how it's the thought that counts and we're really hurting there feelings by saying we don't want it. But WHERE IS THE THOUGHT? That's what I don't get. There is no obligation at all to get us anything and we always make that clear. If they must get us something to make themselves feel better then I guess smellies or food would always at least be useful.
Why do people do it? And AIBU to not be grateful?

I agree, it’s a waste of money and terrible for the environment.
If you absolutely must give me something to make YOU feel better, just give me money.

The cycling jumper made me laugh, just why ?
I totally agree with you.

YANBU.

Some people just really like to shop and buy stuff and see other people's birthdays as another excuse to go shopping.

So if you ask them not to buy something, they're annoyed because you're denying them that. It's all about them. They also see you lack of owning X, Y or Z as a reason for them to go out and buy it for you. It doesn't occur to them that the reason that you don't have X, Y or Z is that you don't fucking want it.

It is definitely people off loading stuff they don’t want on you. Why don’t they take it to the charity shop like normal people?

I know I’m incredibly ungrateful but I hate a gift voucher. Thanks for passing on the responsibility for my gift to me. As if I don’t have enough to do. Now I have to add that to the list before the fucker expires.

I think you're overstating the 'thoughtlessness'/controlling aspect of this a bit (some people just aren't very good at choosing gifts), but would also find it frustrating. I guess the thing is to make it REALLY clear that you don't want presents. If you do still get them, say a polite thanks and then do what you want with the gifts. I'd just give them away.

They're probably the type of people that buy next years Christmas presents in the January sale - "Ooh look at me...I'm so organised. Christmas is done by January and I've saved money" 🙄
Already there's Christmas "what's good for kids stockings" threads and it's JULY.
It's buying stuff for the sake of buying stuff - not actually something the person will want.
@Itsrainingten perhaps start telling them something specific you would like/use. Nothing expensive so you can't be accused of being "grabby".
Just a paperback book or something.

At least with a voucher you can get something you'd actually use😂

Pass these things on to someone else or sell them. It's no big deal.
Some people don't have any family to buy them anything at all.

It's interesting that at least one person has voted that IABU. Can I ask why you think that please? Not looking for a fight here. I'm genuinely interested in hearing why people do it (and expect gratitude)

It is a big deal. The OPs family have shown her that they don't care about her or respect her wishes, by giving her a job to do and the guilt about the waste and not liking the gifts.

Many people would rather have nothing than any old crap like what's been bought here.

Ikwym my mum insists on sending me flowers. I hate cut flowers and have told her this countless times. I'm really easy to buy for - thorntons or something from lush.... mega easy, doesn't take much thought and its pretty much all I say but always a bunch of flowers delivered. 🙄 (if she even bothers which sometimes she doesn't! At least the kids get cash!)

I prefer to buy consumables like chocolate or a book. I hate being given stuff I don’t want, it feels so wasteful. If they’d given me the money I could have had something I want!

I reckon they get a "deal" so the cycling jumper was marked down "such good value" surely Itsrainingten DH would love it! We tend to just buy immediate famlly presents TBH. Most people in UK/Western world are the least likely to need anything at all! Just say "hey guys ,what with all the waste generated. maybe we could just say Happy Birthday, with a nice card and a hug this year?Christmas just do a Secret Santa or £10 per present pp max.They seem fairly clueless so may be relieved!

We get presents from long distance relations every Christmas. My ex always gets jumper's that don't fit. Our sons get chocolate and socks. I get smellies that I never use. It all goes to the charity shop. Btw they send my exes Christmas present to us as they can't be bothered posting to his new address 🤣🤣🤣🤣 so yes it's a waste of time and money

I agonise every year over what to get my family for birthdays and Christmas. They don’t come up with any ideas themselves. It usually ends up with a voucher.

I think you have to just smile, say thank you, and take it to the charity shop. If you’ve already told them, there’s not much you can do.

I dont mind receiving generic things that are basically classed as not very personal or individual, but fall int he category of things that most people would like, even if they are a bit bland or uniform - like flowers, chocolates, a nice bottle of booze, scented candle etc. But specifically awful things that clearly have no chance of being used or appreciated are pointless - and make you think, is that actually the point of this gift? What are they actually trying to say?

Aww that made me giggle. That was my late MIL to a tee. DH even had a cycling gift when no bike!
They were never expensive items so we just received them with good grace and had a laugh. The DC looked forward to how bizarre they would actually be.
Only time we were disappointed was when DH's present, put under the Christmas tree for him 1 week before, turned out to be a tin with different cheeses in. Totally inedible of course and that was something we might actually have enjoyed!

Honestly every year we say stuff like - no need to get us anything, we don't need anything and anything we want we tend to buy ourselves as and when anyway. If you REALLY want to get us something how about a voucher? And every year we get ignored and some weird random stuff bought for us. It's not usually particularly cheap by the looks of it either. If it was say a pair of cartoon character socks, well yeah sure we don't really want them (we're adults!) but we could at least wear them at home and be relieved they didn't cost much. But no. Fairly expensive random unwanted things.
I do think at least one person who does this has a shopping addiction of sorts. And that plays into it. But why the martyr type behaviour when we're not excited about it? It's sort of "poor me, I go to such trouble and you're not even grateful"

My MIL bought us a novelty rug that looks like a black hole. It's huge and I hate it. She seemed very disappointed that we didn't have it down in the living room for our son to "enjoy".

I used to think it was a big deal but who can afford this waste right now? The buying, wrapping and postage all add up. Plus it's no good for the planet.

We've knocked it all on the head by saying first of all only presents for DC, and now DC have grown up, no presents at all because of the unreliable post. And if we see one another in person, we have a no gifts policy because the travelling to meet one another is costly and eating together is now "the present" and everyone contributes to that with a bottle of wine, a Christmas pud, a box of fancy crackers etc.

Just knock it all on the head and do away with all of the associated stress.

Edited to say: just read your update about trying to tell them not to bother op. Suggest you are a bit more emphatic about it. Send them an e-mail about Christmas now. And another one in September or October. And follow them up with a phone call in late November. They will be disappointed the first year but they will get used to it. Especially if you say something like we are all making food contributions instead, which of this list would you like to buy? It's like dog training, don't just say no, tell them what to do instead and divert them in to a different pattern of behaviour! 😆

I used to get really angry, and now I just smile and put it all in a bag for the charity shop. It’s not worth the energy.

OMG you win! That is bloody awful

I can cope with random unsuitable gifts, I just give them to the next village tombola. But when I was a teen or pre-teen I stopped eating meat, and bugger me if certain family members didn't start getting me presents made of leather or pigskin from then on - they'd never done it before. I mean - these things can't have been cheap, and they weren't rich. Passive aggressive buying I guess, but why?

I think I'd like a black hole rug, though...