Weekend away cancelled

[Jenandco]

We were planning on a weekend (3 nights) in our Cornwall chalet this weekend. Tues FIL phones husband to say (very passive aggressive?) can he have permission to go out on Friday night for MIL birthday meal with other family members…and we don’t know how long we have left with MIL (his words and she has dementia and is 80) Why he asked permission I don’t know cos they go out for meals without us and don’t ask permission normally. Husband works every other weekend and has a very stressful job so we go to Cornwall as often as possible so we can chill out and get away from the endless diy and home improvement tasks there are since we moved house 6 months ago. We see them regularly and were going to suggest going out Sunday lunch (birthday is Friday) The thing I’m pissed off about is that they forgot husbands last birthday and have regularly forgotten birthdays and anniversary’s for us.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking why should we cancel weekend away when we could go out Sunday and they forgot husbands birthday so are birthdays that important or only when it’s theirs?

I think you should go ahead with your weekend away.
If you offer to take her out on Sunday that seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do. She then gets an extra treat if the rest of the family are celebrating with her on Friday.
It sounds as though the weekend away is important to you as a family unit so you shouldn't be guilt tripped into cancelling it when they can go ahead with their plans without you.

Caring for a spouse with dementia is so demanding and they often try to hide how hard it is
i have seen my father go from a happy go lucky grandad to a miserable old bastard in the past 2 years of caring for my mother

maybe consider how rubbish and stressful his life must be?

Well one has dementia and one is caring for her and likely close to her age, so Christ forgetting a birthday is not the crime you’re making out.

I understand you’re pissed and want to go to Cornwall but giving it they started it like you’re 12 is embarrassing.

i would do the meal and then go down afterwards. If you go there regularly anyway then cutting a night off for a family meal would seem fair to me. You can then stay longer on the Sunday as you won’t be going back for the meal.

How can you go out Sunday lunch if you are away?

Also “ask permission” he clearly asked if it was ok to take her out, likely knowing you were away and it’s her 80th, a polite request, you’ve written it like that was also some crime.

It’s not her 80th, that was last year.

When My Dm started with dementia we found remembering birthdays went down the pan - DM had been responsible for cards and gifts so it's not something DF had to think about. And to be honest he a lot on his plate to think about.

Cut him some slack, certainly about any birthdays

Your MIL has dementia and your FIL will have a huge amount of caring responsibilities and possibly his own forgetfulness to deal with so o don’t think they are BU to forgot birthdays.

It’s sexist and stereotypical, I know, but it’s also possible that MIL was the one in their relationship who remembered birthdays and FIL just doesn’t have any reserves left to add that to his list as well. Especially not for an adult who will be able to see he is struggling and is quite capable of arranging his own party plans and telling his parents about them.

What does your dh want to do seeing as it’s his elderly parents and his stressful job. Go with what he wants and fgs Do it with good grace.

Genuinesly don't understand any of this. Why does him going out on Friday with his own wife impact you? How can you go out on Sunday if you are having 3 nights away?

I’m not following who needed permission. Was it fil to go out? Your husband to attend the dinner?

They have always forgotten birthdays and anniversaries including our 1st wedding anniversary which really hurt. They have always been like that years before dementia arrived and is taking its toll on everyone. We are both so stressed with lots of other factors involving teenagers and knowing we have a short break from it all is what keeps us going.

It takes 2.5 hours minimum and we leave early Sunday.

Just go away for the weekend

Where is the part where you are having to cancel?

You just respond yes FIL have a lovely time with other family members. We will see you to celebrate her birthday when we get back.

Where has he said you have to cancel?

you are Vicky Pollard and I claim my £5. - no make that 50

What on earth are you doing, are you trying to justify it?😱

Who remembers other folks anniversaries, that isn’t a thing.

Anniversaries isn't a thing, that's between the people married really.

I dont really understand your post. They asked for permission, but they didn't ask you not to go? Or you haven't said that here anyway?

Couldn’t you go for dinner on Friday eve, set off for Cornwall straight afterwards ( not likely to be a late finish surely ?) and come back later on a Sunday ? Trust me you will regret not compromising when they’re no longer here .

I don’t understand what you mean ‘ask permission’? Of who? Why is FIL asking your permission to take MIL out?

Just say ok, off you go, we’re away this weekend we’ll see you next week. Why the need to rush back on Sunday? Can’t you see them in the week or next weekend?

Nobody remembers other people’s anniversaries.

Nobody has asked you to cancel anything, just go and see them when you get home. I don’t understand what the issue is.

He's not asked you to cancel your weekend away, has he? You can still go to see them on the Sunday as planned. What does your DH want to do? If he wants to see his mum on the Friday then I would do that. She is elderly and may not be around next year.

That's so weird you remember other people's anniversaries. I think you just don't like them. They haven't done anything wrong.