Weekend away cancelled

[Jenandco]

We were planning on a weekend (3 nights) in our Cornwall chalet this weekend. Tues FIL phones husband to say (very passive aggressive?) can he have permission to go out on Friday night for MIL birthday meal with other family members…and we don’t know how long we have left with MIL (his words and she has dementia and is 80) Why he asked permission I don’t know cos they go out for meals without us and don’t ask permission normally. Husband works every other weekend and has a very stressful job so we go to Cornwall as often as possible so we can chill out and get away from the endless diy and home improvement tasks there are since we moved house 6 months ago. We see them regularly and were going to suggest going out Sunday lunch (birthday is Friday) The thing I’m pissed off about is that they forgot husbands last birthday and have regularly forgotten birthdays and anniversary’s for us.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking why should we cancel weekend away when we could go out Sunday and they forgot husbands birthday so are birthdays that important or only when it’s theirs?

I remember my son's anniversary, but only because it's two days after ours

In a clumsy way he’s asking do you mind if they organise a family meal knowing you can’t come

the guy must be on his knees with a miserable existence nothing will change till one of them dies cut him some slack

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual

You totally get where I’m coming from, thank you! What you have said is the point I am making. We celebrate birthdays and anniversaries no matter how many yrs, so if your own us often forgotten since you have known them then I was asking if it’s “unreasonable to attend a meal for a birthday when your own hasn’t mattered over the years”. I should have titled the OP that rather than weekend away etc. I am not criticising FIL at all but I wish people would say what they mean rather than leave it 2 days before.

It’s likely that DH’s mum might not have many birthdays left. But yet this thread is all about you and your hurt feelings.

If your DH wants to go on the Friday for his mums birthday then I’d do that, if not then go away for the weekend and see her Sunday. But as it’s your DH’s mum I’d let him decide because he has to live with the decision if this turns out to be her last birthday.

How long have you been married, you’ve teenage kids, and you’re going on about them missing your first wedding anniversary. It’s just odd.

you clearly just want to go to Cornwall and are finding every reason to make them out as awful people to justify it. It’s embarrassing.

You still haven’t told us what your husband wants to do.

Are you taking the teens with you?

Where does it say her husband has been invited to the meal?

What does dh want to do? It’s up to him really. I don’t really see a problem with saying ‘sorry we already have plans but will see you on Sunday’. It’s very short notice.

I read it as fil asking can the dh have permission (from OP) to go out on Friday night. Hence the op interpreting this as passive aggressive.

Why would he ask the op if his son can go out with him?

Does that mean op isn't invited?

@Porageeater Sorry meant to tag you

Life is particularly short when you are 80.

Do you mean this Friday is her 80th birthday and there is a birthday celebration with other family members then? If so your husband should be there.

Tbh if you regularly go to Cornwall, can go any time, and there is no occasion there...I wouldn't choose that over a parents' birthday. Could you go Saturday morning to Monday evening instead of Thursday to Sunday morning?

If you want people to agree with you OP, maybe make more of an effort on constructing your posts.
I also have a holiday home that I visit every other weekend.
For a close family member's birthday I would forego a night to attend a family meal.
You sound rather self absorbed, no one outside of the married couple remembers wedding anniversaries.

Is it perhaps that it matters more now because they realise there are not many birthdays left?

Could you not find it in your heart to forgive them for forgetting your wedding anniversary? It feels like you're using that and the forgotten birthdays as an excuse when you'd be better off just saying that you don't want to go. You won't have to deal with them for much longer and you might regret being so harsh when they are gone.

Clearly not.

Oh my,

Let your DH choose. Go on Friday meal with family or book nice afternoon tea for Sunday for your family and then . Sat to FIL spreading out the treats and too many people there might be overwhelming
But if he wants to go with family to meal then be gracious , you could drive down straight after and still have some weekend there

@Theweepywillow

Does that make you feel good? I'm autistic and have dyslexia. What a sad little twat you are.

I think the only option is for your DH to choose. There could be resentment if he misses it & it's his DM's last birthday. The blame will absolutely turn to you if you've made the smallest grumble about it.

However, I do understand where you're coming from. We are constantly fighting the wave of family commitments, often last minute, where we have to cancel plans. Up until recently, DH would always cancel (even without asking me) because he's been raised to feel duty & guilt, but it happens so often now that he's a solid no, we're busy, to last minute expectations. I do the same. We'll try to find an alternative (like Sunday lunch). The result is we're notified much further in advance & our time is much more respected.

I don't really understand the problem.
You were originally planning to go down Thursday and come back Sunday morning for lunch with your ILs. Now you go down late Friday night or early Saturday morning and come back Sunday evening. If your DH had originally planned to have Friday off, perhaps he can change it to Monday.
Do what he wants to do in this case, it's his DPs and he's the one with the tiring job.

What does your husband want to do? If it was my elderly parents I’d like to go.

Thank you for all of the responses and opinions which I take on board. I have never put anything in MN before and it is very interesting to hear different views and how some (not many) people can jump to conclusions and make judgements. I know that we spend as much time as possible with them. H would also like to go away and see them Sunday but that doesn’t make him a bad person.

I think that’s a perfect solution and agree doesn’t make him a bad person at all, enjoy your break & enjoy your meal with MIL & FIL on Sunday when you get home.

I'm not really understanding, they phoned and asked permission to go out on Friday without you?

Or were they actually inviting you and expecting you to go?

Maybe it's just me but their intentions aren't really clear in your posts.

And you're annoyed because the don't remember your birthdays and anniversaries but they remember their own?