Weekend away cancelled

[Jenandco]

We were planning on a weekend (3 nights) in our Cornwall chalet this weekend. Tues FIL phones husband to say (very passive aggressive?) can he have permission to go out on Friday night for MIL birthday meal with other family members…and we don’t know how long we have left with MIL (his words and she has dementia and is 80) Why he asked permission I don’t know cos they go out for meals without us and don’t ask permission normally. Husband works every other weekend and has a very stressful job so we go to Cornwall as often as possible so we can chill out and get away from the endless diy and home improvement tasks there are since we moved house 6 months ago. We see them regularly and were going to suggest going out Sunday lunch (birthday is Friday) The thing I’m pissed off about is that they forgot husbands last birthday and have regularly forgotten birthdays and anniversary’s for us.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking why should we cancel weekend away when we could go out Sunday and they forgot husbands birthday so are birthdays that important or only when it’s theirs?

Honestly wedding anniversary do not matter apart from to the couple and only if they having problems! Unless it's 25, 50, 60. Someone with dementia..it's hell caring for them daily . I understand your fil. Can't you go out and celebrate as well. Yabu. Why stop going.

I don't understand what exactly the problem is.

Why should your weekend away be affected by FIL taking MIL out on Friday night? Was he expecting you to go with them? We're they both supposed to be going away with you?

If either of the above it would have been helpful to explain that in your OP.

And if you are planning to go away for 3 nights at the weekend that sort of implies Friday to Monday do how we're you going to manage Sunday lunch?

But Friday isn’t the weekend whereas Sunday is

Way I'm reading it, fil has phoned and asked DH if he is allowed to come to dinner. Ie making out the OP controls him and who he can see when.

I get she's old, dementia etc bit I'd stick with original Sunday lunch tbh.

Clarification needed I think. We go Thursday evening and come back early Sunday morning so 3 nights. We do a lot for them both and will always go out if our way to help. However life is short and does it really bloody matter if go Friday or Sunday to celebrate a birthday??

Maybe it's me, but I thought fil was asking you and husbands permission to go out.

So fil is insinuating your husband needs your permission ?

I'd go to Cornwall on my own and leave husband with his family dinner.

I read it as fil asking the OP to give permission for her husband to go to his mum’s birthday dinner on Friday night.

All a bit odd.

A person with dementia forgot someone's birthday?
What shocking behaviour.

FIL doesn’t want to directly say “I think you should go out for a meal” but that is what he means. He is not literally asking for permission cos that would be ridiculous.

I’m not saying it’s the person with dementia forgetting! - if you read all the posts they have both been very forgetful with birthdays way before the dementia including their own grandson and son and joked about it!

Tues FIL phones husband to say (very passive aggressive?) can he have permission to go out on Friday night for MIL birthday meal

I don’t really get the problem? FIL wants to go out with his wife for her birthday? Nobody needs permission for that-sound lovely. Then you can take them out on Sunday-they get two meals out, everyone’s a winner!

If they want you to cancel your weekend away so you can go out on Friday, then I’d say no, you are already busy.

They forgot your 1st wedding anniversary, and that really hurt ?
😆
Yes, it must have been incredibly painful.

@Jenandco you're being REALLY unreasonable about them forgetting your anniversary. That's your thing. If they forgot your DH last birthday, and MIL has dementia and is 80 you're being a dick about that too. Unclench. You're seeing shadows where there aren't any.

This.

I genuinely can't understand what your problem is. If you can't go, or don't want to go, tell them you won't be going. It's not hard. As for the anniversary thing, no one cares aside from the couple.

You don’t like them so own that and go away for the weekend.
You contradict yourself with who cares about birthdays though as you’re mentally tallying it all up and clearly do care.
Anniversaries are for the couple who got married, being upset they forgot your first is ridiculous.
Enjoy your weekend.

Give over.

And often not even the couple. FIL hasn't done anything wrong. You just seem to want to make him out to horrible.

I don't see the issue either.

anniversaries including our 1st wedding anniversary which really hurt

25 years married. I’ve never expected anyone else to remember our anniversary tbh, it’s our anniversary, mine & DH’s, why does anyone else need to remember/celebrate/send cards?

FIL doesn’t want to directly say “I think you should go out for a meal” but that is what he means.

if you know what he means, and know he wants you to be there, for what is likely one of her last birthdays, then you are being doubly awful to start a thread about it all moaning about missing DH’s birthday/anniversary. If you go away so often, what harm would celebrating with her do? What does DH want to do, or is it all about you?

Stop second guessing everything, go to Cornwall, see them when you get back.

You’re creating some kind of imaginary drama and making very little sense, I think the break will do you good.

You've really done a bad job of making the issue clear here but as I understand it...

FIL has phoned and instead of asking if you'd like to join them for a meal on the Friday evening, has passive aggressively asked for permission to go out for this meal.

What he really wants is for you to join them, but he's not going to say that, he's going to be a dick about it.

This would disrupt your weekend, and you'd prefer to take MIL (and presumably FIL) out on Sunday when you're back.

So just say 'have a lovely evening, we were wondering if you wanted to come out for a meal on Sunday with us when we're back from Cornwall?' and do whatever it is makes the passive aggressive git happy there.

I’m sorry but at 80+ with dementia then every birthday does count because there is very likely will be very few of them left.

im not telling you you’re wrong to be going away but I wouldn’t be planning to be away the weekend of a family member in those circumstances.

honestly I’m not judging! It’s just very different to the way I view things obviously

You are being unreasonable but mainly because you’re pretending that you’re giving this some consideration when actually you’re just using this as an opportunity to articulate justifications for leaving them to it.

If you want to go, go, but you’re absolutely minimizing the impact of caring for someone with dementia and being upset that they forgot your wedding anniversary is ridiculous.

I don't know why so many pp are just giving OP grief over the forgotten anniversary.

Perhaps in their lives people DON'T send anniversary cards. But a lot of people DO send anniversary cards. Especially early on in a marriage and especially the first anniversary when the marriage is usually fresh in every ones minds. If it's normal in OPs circle to do this then of course the omission would be noticed. She has every right to be upset by this , just as posters for whom an anniversary card is unimportant have every right not to care a hoot. But they can't tell the OP how to feel and especially not to conclude ,as one pp has done, that her being upset over the card means she doesn't like the in laws.

I assumed she brought up the missed anniversary and the missed birthdays just to make the point that these occasions weren't important to her in laws. Therefore it was reasonable to expect that not actually being there on the actual day of the MiL's birthday wouldn't be a big issue for them.

I don't know why so many pp have made the whole thing about the anniversary card. When really it's about the entirely reasonable suggestion that OP is right to go away for the planned weekend trip and give the MiL her birthday treat meal on the Sunday instead.

Wow just wow. You sound very selfish.

I'd definitely cancel a weekend in our holiday home (you're not losing money) to spend with my MIL and FIL on MILs birthday.