To tell my friend everything

[dooneron]

I have ended up casually seeing a guy who is a friend of my ex husband.

It's not an ideal situation. I couldn't give two hoots if my ex finds out. I think we're both available adults who can do what we want. But the guy in question does not want my ex to find out.

We all have a lot of friends in common, and one of them saw us get a taxi home from a bbq together and cottoned on that something is happening.

The guy I'm seeing has asked me to minimise the situation and to say we had a drunk fumble but nothing else. That's not at all true, it's been ongoing for some time.

I really want to tell my friend the whole truth. I don't want to lie to her and I also feel like I need to chat it through with a friend. Furthermore, I feel like the drunk fumble story makes it look worse than just admitting we've been spending time together and getting on well.

I trust her not to tell anyone else but you never know. As I say, I don't really care who knows.

Am I wrong to ignore his wishes and to tell her the whole story?

I imagine you won’t be seeing each other and getting on well if he finds out you’ve told her, but I wouldn’t want to be some ‘drunk fumble’ either. What exactly is his objection?

Honestly I think it's just man logic of feeling like it looks less "bad" if my ex were to find out.

I disagree with him though and as you say, I'm annoyed at being just a drunk fumble.

Your problem is the actual relationship not who knows about it.

Why doesnt he want to admit he is in a relationship with you?
If you actually have a future together it will come out at some point surely???

Can you articulate why you want to be with this man when he would rather you look like a drunken fool to your mate than own up to having any feelings for you?

Throw him back and find another.

It sets off alarm bells that he's asking that of you tbh. When will you be 'allowed' to tell her? I don't like the sound of that at all tbh.

You sound more invested than he is and as if you want this to turn into a relationship. He doesn’t. If that’s the scenario then best end it and forget about the whole thing.

If you're only seeing him casually, calling it a drunk fumble to someone is surely neither here nor there? If its not a serious relationship , you may as well avoid any drama or hardship on his friendship with this little lie. It doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things imo. I don't understand the offence of it tbh.

If you are hoping things will get more serious with the guy, or you already feel more serious than "casually", I suggest talking to him about that at this point. In that case I can see why pretending it's a drunk fumble one-off would be hurtful.

I wouldn't want to date a man who wanted to pretend we weren't seeing each other.

Red flag.

Why should he have any control over what you speak to your friend about?

If you want this relationship to have a future, you're in for a disappointment.

If it's FWB, why him?

Why start off in a relationship that has unnecessary drama from the beginning?

He's telling you that he's embarrassed at being seen with you and he values his friendship with your ex more than the budding romance with you.

End it now before you get hurt.

If you're all friends, why is it weird that you shared a taxi home in the first place?
Why does it need to be made anything more than that?

But yes, I can see why you'd upset. I think you both need to put your big brave pants on and be open about it. Is your ex going to be annoyed at his friend? Is this what this is about?

I don't think it bodes well if he is putting your ex's feelings about your developing relationship above your own.

I'd be quite stung too, starting the "how did you meet" with "oh it was a drunken fumble" isn't exactly high romance.

You need to sort this out with your love interest (is he a boyfriend yet?) and make a decision before telling your friend imo.

Maybe he is afraid because it's not you the ex will take this out on. He probably feels like a shitty friend and isn't as happy as you are for your ex to find out. He probably feels disloyal. I know I would if I was shagging my friends ex.

Well yeah, this is what he said.

Definitely not my boyfriend and no plans for him to be.

You need to ask yourself if this is going someplace if he’s too ashamed to admit being with you, and his reaction to saying it’s a drunk fumble indicates it’s just sex for him, you’re offering he’s taking, nothing in it.

I think he's being unreasonable by asking you to lie to your friend. If you feel that you want to tell her the truth, you should be able to. He must have known there's a risk that your ex will find out.

I think the key thing is, do you see this relationship as going somewhere or as just a brief fling? If it has potential to become serious then your ex will need to know.
I actually ended up with my ex's close friend too! We kept it quiet for a few months but then told him. He wasn't over the moon and it did end their friendship. However my ex moved away (not because of that, for another reason) and he lost all his friends anyway. He never maintained any friendships and people got fed up with him.
Me and his best mate have now been together for over 20 years and are married with kids.

Hi OP

I wouldn't be adding any lies to this situation, it will end up messier than you intended it to, it always does

You have been seen, it's not like you are having an affair, you are 2 single adults who have embarked on a casual relationship- that is your business. You don't owe anybody an explanation

However if you want to tell your friend, then dont lie. You are risking your friendships by lying to your friend, and on request of a man who wants you to refer to it as a drunken fumble 🙄

It sounds like you both understand it as a casual relationship but as adults, surely that can be said openly. He can say that to your ex too if he finds out.

Why on earth are you standing for this op?

You are an adult of course you can speak to your friend in private if you wish. You are not a child.
Secondly, I would make it clear to this man if he wants to be with you, then he has to tactfully broach it with your ex partner. You are no one's dirty secret and deserve more respect than that.

It sounds like you have low self esteem and this is playing out here, because most people would not stand for this op. Nor would they be spending time with a man that describes anything as a drunken fumble. How disgusting.

Personally in that case, I’d end the whole thing and put it down to experience. You don’t want anything long-term; he’s more worried about letting a mate down than he is about you; it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Attempting to be discreet is one thing, lying is quite another, and asking you to lie about it it's crappy of him. This would be game over for me. He's clearly not comfortable with what you're doing and that's all that you need to know really.

He basically sees you as a secret shag, but not a friend. His friendship loyalties lie with your ex husband.
Do you really want this?

Dump him.
Then tell your friend.
He is a twat that is using you.
Don't be a mug.

So what are you wanting to tell your friend because it sound like it IS a drunken/sober shag and fumble....