To tell my friend everything

[dooneron]

I have ended up casually seeing a guy who is a friend of my ex husband.

It's not an ideal situation. I couldn't give two hoots if my ex finds out. I think we're both available adults who can do what we want. But the guy in question does not want my ex to find out.

We all have a lot of friends in common, and one of them saw us get a taxi home from a bbq together and cottoned on that something is happening.

The guy I'm seeing has asked me to minimise the situation and to say we had a drunk fumble but nothing else. That's not at all true, it's been ongoing for some time.

I really want to tell my friend the whole truth. I don't want to lie to her and I also feel like I need to chat it through with a friend. Furthermore, I feel like the drunk fumble story makes it look worse than just admitting we've been spending time together and getting on well.

I trust her not to tell anyone else but you never know. As I say, I don't really care who knows.

Am I wrong to ignore his wishes and to tell her the whole story?

I don't think the issue is what you tell your friend, I think the issue is that he wants to lie and hide your relationship.

He's keeping the Exit door open, isn't he?

Asking you to keep the relationship a secret is a red flag. He knows you are his friends ex, if he thinks it's this much of a problem he shouldn't be dating you.

Yes. And it stinks of him believing that you're somehow still another man's property.
Plus if you have to skulk around and lie to your friends you can't relax.

No that's disgusting. I'd tell the truth. If he can't handle it, then you shouldn't be together.

Yup, exactly.

You need to get to the bottom of why his wishes are such....before you tell anyone anything and for the sake of your future.

If you can trust your friend I would tell her. Actually it is very useful to talk these type of things through with good friends who can offer advice on the situation in real life as opposed to strangers online. Screw this guy, his demands are unreasonable in the first place .

Then what's the problem? There is nothing to tell anyone about.

Tbf, if you don’t want him to be “your boyfriend/ partner” in the future, then walk away now. It’s just drama for drama’s sake.

If he's not your boyfriend and you don't have plans for him to be sounds like you're just trying to create drama..

I'd tell him you've never had a drunk fumble in your life. You have too much self respect for that and you won't be telling anyone you did.

You don't want to date him. He's not your boyfriend.

Not much to tell really.

This. It’s a very very big red flag.

He’s using you for a lay.

He’s shown you exactly what he thinks.

I'd probably end it for disrespecting me by saying I was just a drunken fumble.

He is choosing his friendship with your ex over you.

If he's not your boyfriend and you don't want him to be then you're being silly. It's barely more than casual then...

@dooneron

then what's the issue?

stop seeing him & find someone where you don't have to pretend just to be someone he's fumbled with when drunk.

@Somepeoplearesnippy

Self respect? Stop shaming other women.

There's nothing wrong with a drunk fumble if you're both up for it.

If I were you, he'd have had his last "fumble", drunken or otherwise.

Is that the case for OP, though? If not, then it is disrespectful to imply that she was. I agree it’s ok if both people involved see it the same way, though.

Then I don't really understand the issue, you're just shagging so why does it matter what anyone thinks of it?
Also don't get why anyone needs to know how it started, it's not going anywhere so just take it as what it is-a scratch for an itch.

Well its one thing to have a fling, its another to lie about it to protect your ex's feelings.

Agree with others, time for someone new. End it and then tell your friend the whole story.

If you are not looking at him as a boyfriend and he does not want your ex to know then there is no problem. You are both using each other. Your friend does not need to know anything about your relationships/non relationships.

I was in this exact spot once. The new guy actually said he wanted to ask my ex for "permission". He never did, he never admitted anything was going on and we fizzled out as a result.