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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you consider worse? Cheating with the opposite sex or same sex?

57 replies

YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 20:13

Curious to hear others opinions on this. Some people seem to think the latter is not as bad.

ps. Not cheating or planning to cheat. Just want to hear opinions

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 02/07/2024 20:14

To me it’s all the same. The trust is gone and the relationship is over.

HandymcCandy · 02/07/2024 20:14

Equally shit

ThatEdgyOliveFox · 02/07/2024 20:14

Equally bad. Obviously
Edit to add:
If you think otherwise you are suggesting that the type you deem less bad isn’t a worthwhile relationship.
How insulting to those in committed relationships.

Precipice · 02/07/2024 20:15

The problem is that the person is cheating on (lying to and betraying) their partner, not the sex or other characteristics of the affair partner.

FOJN · 02/07/2024 20:15

It's all the same to me. The person you're in a relationship with has betrayed your trust, it doesn't matter who with.

Jennalong · 02/07/2024 20:16

Equal.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 02/07/2024 20:16

The act itself is the same. Though if my DH cheated with a man I think it would be worse because it would mean he’s been lying to me about who he is for our entire relationship.

flowertoday · 02/07/2024 20:16

I can't see why one would be better or worse than the other. In the past there was a huge social stigma about people being gay or bisexual so that was a factor. Not now though surely?
Also now open relationships work well for some. But I am guessing you are talking about infidelity in a monogamous relationship.

BibbleandSqwauk · 02/07/2024 20:17

If there was no previous indication of homosexuality then I suppose it would add an additional layer of confusion and sense of being lied to, but equally, I suppose if the affair partner was the opposite sex to you as the cheated on person then you can't possibly "compete" and so it's not a betrayal of you perhaps in the same way as it would be otherwise. All this is moot if the cheater is Bi though.

Jutemat · 02/07/2024 20:17

The opposite is less bad, surely, cos thats less about cheating and something completely different.

MintTwirl · 02/07/2024 20:18

I feel like both are awful and break the trust you have but I do think if DH cheated on me with another man it would bring up all kinds of other feelings and questions around our relationship given that he has never shown any attraction to men.

BobbyBiscuits · 02/07/2024 20:20

I'd be mortified that my hetero partner suddenly decided he liked cock. So I guess the fact he'd be both cheating, and the wrong sexuality on the sly would be worse than going with another woman. But both are deal breakers tbh.

Willmafrockfit · 02/07/2024 20:20

i think the same sex would be more of betrayal

Growlybear83 · 02/07/2024 20:21

It would make no difference at all to me. Any intimate contact by my husband with another person, regardless of the circumstances, would mean an immediate end to our relationship, even after nearly 50 years.

WetBandits · 02/07/2024 20:23

Interesting question, and a great way to suss out homophobes!

I wonder what answers you’d get if you asked a forum of men this question.

Cas112 · 02/07/2024 20:26

Just cheating in general OP

Jutemat · 02/07/2024 20:27

WetBandits · 02/07/2024 20:23

Interesting question, and a great way to suss out homophobes!

I wonder what answers you’d get if you asked a forum of men this question.

You think men would be happy with their wife having a female encounter?

Original poster
YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 20:28

I think both are as bad for the the same different reason

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 02/07/2024 20:29

WetBandits · 02/07/2024 20:23

Interesting question, and a great way to suss out homophobes!

I wonder what answers you’d get if you asked a forum of men this question.

I don't think it is homophobic. I think what people are saying is that if their partner had never shown any interest in the same sex before, but had a same sex affair, then they had been lying about who they were - so not just an affair. Not sure how that is homophobic.

StepUpSlowly · 02/07/2024 20:34

I am a lesbian and for me it makes no difference as it’s the act of being cheated on that’s the awful part, who with frankly doesn’t matter.

If I absolutely had to decide who I would rather be cheated on by a female partner, it would be with someone of the opposite sex. If they cheat on me with someone of the opposite sex then at least I grasp that they are dynamics and things they might miss from being in a heterosexual setting/having straight sex. If they cheat with another woman then I would feel it’s more personal, like the issue is more likely to be with me and us and not just missing something I can’t physically provide.

In all cases my reaction would be the same and it would be 100% over. Wouldn’t need an apology or an explanation just happy to end the relationship and move on towards finding someone who respect and love me enough to at least end it with me before starting something new with someone and breaking trust.

Original poster
YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 20:34

This thought popped up the other day for me. I was out clubbing with a group of friends and two of my female friends were dirty dancing on the dance floor. I mean dancing really close, feeling each other and basically humping each others legs while dancing. One of the girls boyfriend looked pissed but didn’t say anything. Also kissing was involved but not tongues. They both were drunk and I thought they were messing about but they looked into it when I think about it. Would that really be cheating?

OP posts:
Jutemat · 02/07/2024 20:37

Maybe not in that instance?

WWYD if your hubby was doing that with another bloke? Invite them both back?!

Linning · 02/07/2024 20:41

YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 20:34

This thought popped up the other day for me. I was out clubbing with a group of friends and two of my female friends were dirty dancing on the dance floor. I mean dancing really close, feeling each other and basically humping each others legs while dancing. One of the girls boyfriend looked pissed but didn’t say anything. Also kissing was involved but not tongues. They both were drunk and I thought they were messing about but they looked into it when I think about it. Would that really be cheating?

Hmm yes, I think if it crosses clear boundaries set in one’s relationship one wouldn’t be wrong to consider it cheating. (Most monogamous relationships wouldn’t be okay with their partner kissing others).

An easy way to find out is “would it be okay for her to do this with someone of the opposite sex?” If not then why is it acceptable with someone of the same sex.

I think in all cases it’s disrespectful to start those kind of things without checking in with your partner, in her cases it doesn’t seem like it’s something he would have agreed to, so yes I think it’s massively problematic.

Original poster
YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 20:41

Men typically don’t do that. A lot of women do that when they’re drunk but what got me is the look on her boyfriend’s face

OP posts:
Original poster
YappyQueen · 02/07/2024 21:10

Also to point out the other girls partner didn’t seem to be annoyed or care.

OP posts: