To think they should let her take part?

[UndertheCedartree]

This has made me so angry/upset. So just looking for a reality check before I say anything.

My DD is in Y7. She has ASD and has struggled to settle in. Due to her anxiety and illness (she had Long COVID and since that is so prone to illness and post viral fatigue.) her attendance is low.

I had lots of problems with the HOY not wanting to make reasonable adjustments for her. Things were getting worse and worse. He stopped her going on a trip due to her ASD. She has felt so left out and very sad. Since I complained he's been out of the picture and things have improved.

Recently, we were asked to give permission for our DC to show families around at the open evening. I talked to my DD about it and she was quite anxious about it but after some thought was keen to do it. This is massive for her - she often finds it hard to join in. I spoke to her Learning Mentor and said I really think this could increase her self esteem and help her feel she was part of the school. She agreed.

Anyway, I heard nothing so chased it up with her Learning mentor. Apparently the HOY has said she can stay in the library with the SEN team and 'show people around the library'. DD is crushed. She's feeling left out once again. The knock on effect is it will now be harder to get her into school. I just don't understand why they would do this if they apparently want her attendance to be better and they want her happier at school? This would have had such a positive effect!

Ask to see their policy on discrimination.

But she still is showing families around a part of the school? Maybe she seems less confident than she feels and the school don’t want to pressure her.

Can you speak to the head of school about this? It appears that the HOY is being deliberately obstructive where your daughter is concerned.
I'd be annoyed too. YANBU.

They get to show the families around in pairs so she'd not be alone showing them around.

And honestly I'm not sure there's much to show in the library - here are the books and here are the computers! The HOY has just made up this role for her which means she is with the LSAs. He doesn't seem to think she is capable of anything due to her ASD, but also would do nothing to help her. This just feels like more of the same.

I think you have to tell her that she has to take this in both hands, see it as an opportunity to show what she can do and run with it.

OK she wanted to show people around, but not everyone will get the job they had hoped for, some will be standing in the entrance hall like flight attendants pointing out the exits. She is being given a chance to show people an important part of the school. If she feels brave enough she can also take the opportunity to explain that she has had issues with her attendance but is being supported by her learning mentor and other members of the SEN team, many parents, and pupils, will be pleased to hear this as so many kids going into Y7 can be anxious.

Tell her to put a smile on her face and prove both to herself and to the HOY that she can do things she sets her mind to, and is not phased by other people not believing in her. I am pretty sure that the SEN team will report back that she did a terrific job.

if she doesn’t do the library job then it does sound like someone dropping out of volunteering for the school play if they don’t get the leading role.

I'm already having to escalate my complaint (about the trip and other things) to the governors so not sure saying this will have any effect.

I think @viques has some good advice.

Do other things happen in the library? Do they offer quiet spaces at break times and lunch times for children who are overwhelmed by large crowds? Do the library staff run book groups or reading groups or other clubs during lunch time?

The headteacher? I don't feel I can as she has not upheld most of my complaint about things he has done.

I have just sent an email to the attendance officer and the SENCo.

Except there is no library role. Or standing in the entrance hall. The Y7s role is to show families around the school. She's just not being allowed to do that and being put with the LSAs.

However, I will definitely take that stance with her if nothing changes, thank you.

I think you need a longer talk than the information given here.

For example the trip. Was it ASD rather than the fatigue (ds was asked to miss a trip when he had post-viral fatigue, and although at the time he was upset it was totally the right decision as he would have not just exhausted himself, but he'd have restricted his whole group because he'd have not been able to keep up). If it was the ASD, then what aspect of it restricted her and could it have been dealt with.

I can also see for the school it may not be the best thing to have an anxious child on their own with an unknown family. It may not also be the best thing for her. if it goes well, yes great, but it sounds like there is a lot of scope for it going wrong, and that would potentially be worse from her side as well.

Two of my dc have been in groups showing people round in that situation and they both found it quite difficult at times to answer questions because it put them on the spot.
They can't predict that one person wants to know all about A-level maths, the next parent decides to deliver an aggressive monologue about why they think food technology is a waste of time, the next one wants to know exactly what their plans for their future are and quizzes them all the way round and another is only interested in rowing with their ex-partner about their choice of school/parenting/job/everything else. (all examples my dc dealt with at various points)

I think you need to big up to her the importance of showing round the library and then she can show to the school that she can do it. There will be someone there is there are questions she can't answer (which for an anxious child can be important) and to take over if she gets overwhelmed.

And lastly, they may normally have someone especially to show people round the library. They did at my dc's school, and it was not considered a poorer option. In fact dd2 was very disappointed she wasn't chosen in one year, although as she'd probably have curled up in the corner with a book and been incommunicado until she'd finished it, probably a very wise decision.

She seems to be being treated 100% normally to me. Not everyone walks around the school with visitors, some get allocated to a room, normally with a member of staff who knows hem and bagsies them. Most mums would not see this as any sort of issue

I think there is a homework club after school. And I know my DD goes there sometimes when struggling. Apparently the librarian is very nice. I'm not sure about anything else.

Your advice reminds me of when in Y6 my DD got a part in the play as 'they key' - a very small part. I said 'you're going to be the best key they've ever had!' I encouraged her to make a fantastic blingy costume!

So yes, if she's going to be the 'library guide' - she can be the best library guide ever!

She wasn't allowed to go on the trip as the HOY decided due to her autism they would need an extra LSA to go and they weren't able to do that. It could have been dealt with, yes.

She would not be on her own - they show the family round in pairs. Even if she said nothing it wouldn't matter.

They didn't have anyone showing round the library when we went. It also wasn't mentioned as a role when we were giving permission. It's where the LSAs will be.

The role for the Y7s is to show families round the school. All the other Y7s who are volunteering are doing that. Except my DD.

I doubt it

Well you'd be wrong. That is the role of the Y7s. Other years do other things. We gave permission only for our Y7s to show families around the school.

Fight it in the background, especially as there are several issues, but try and spin it as a positive to your DD. She's familiar with the library, she can parents'/children's minds at ease that there is a quiet place available and what she likes about it etc.

As an aside, will the LSAs be in there specifically for your DD or for another reason? Seems odd to restrict several staff to one room .

No, they're in there to talk to parents about SEN.

I actually think that your dd could be very valuable in the library. When we looked round my DD’s secondary school she was really really happy to discover that she could come to the library at lunchtimes whenever she liked and just sit in silence and read a book.

It was nice having that explained by the librarian but to have a Year 7 tell her about it would have been better. Especially if it is one that she recognised as a bit of a “twin soul”. (Dd is neurotypical but she is definitely “quirky”.)

The children of the parents who are taking to the LSA about SEN provision will value input from your dd.

Thank you. I think if I explain that she can talk to DC who may have SEN she might see it as a more valuable role 🤞

I'm torn on this one OP! ND myself.
She shouldn't have been excluded from the school trip.
However - showing people around with the accompanying unpredictable questions can be difficult for an anxious child. They're in pairs for a reason - it's very unfair on her partner if your daughter clams up. Equally, any other adjustment like having 3 instead of 2 is just going to mark her out as different and potentially be very awkward if she just trails along behind them.

It's extremely poor of them to not have followed up and explained this properly to you. And their reply is very dismissive. but I think having her in the library is a good idea. I wouldn't expect her to be gushing about their SEN provision after all this 🙄 but she can talk to other SEN parents and their kids about her experience! Also , if she gets overwhelmed, she can quietly retreat.

I'd push them for more structure and bigging up of her role personally, not just 'showing people around the library' as opposed to doing exactly as the other children. Maybe even have another child there with her so it's just not her and the SEN team.

Knowing my DD as I do, I know this is the kind of thing she would be really good at. She would feel really grown up and it would give her confidence. I think as long as she's paired with a confident partner she would be able to pull her weight.

And 'showing people around the library' is just nonsense. The girls that are showing the families around will show them the library. They won't go into the library and say 'let me hand you over to E who will show you around the library!'

If this was a proper role they were asking for volunteers for it would feel different to my DD.

But yes, thank you for the advice, it is helpful.

I'm a teacher and at my school open evening my mum came round with my DC just to see it... They were toured round by a lovely student with ASD. She had a complete meltdown, her partner in the tour fell apart with worry, and my mum brought them both to me as she could (thankfully) remember the way. The poor student was beside herself with concern about 'letting people down'.

She spent the rest of her time at the school coming back to my room from time to time to ask about my DM and DC and how they were.

I'm not saying this is what would happen for your DC, but just that prior experience may have made them err on the side of caution with this.

It's a very public facing role to have a go at.

I think they should have been more of a conversation with you and your DD about what the options may be. And I don't think it should ever be one child separate from the rest for something like this. They could have easily created different 'teams' of children to work in different areas.

If all they're doing is sticking her in the library without any responsibility that's extremely unfair.

Initially, I thought that the 'why' of what they were doing wasn't wrong although the 'how' was. Your statements somewhat contradict themselves , if your daughter would be really good at the role why does she need a confident partner? No matter how confident they're still a child and shouldn't bear any responsibility for your daughter being able to pull her weight.

However as @itwontletmechoose points out they could re-organise the roles to give your daughter something suitable but important.I f they had enough kids, they could also have teams of twos AND threes. Your daughter could be in one of the latter.

They need to give some real thought to this.