Please help - MIL issues :/

[alexis97]

Hi fellow mums, I'm looking for a bit of advice.

My little girl is being tested for ASD, I absolutely adore her and she is my world, she is coming up 3 end of the year and I couldn't be prouder of her.

I've never liked being away from her, and the longest I ever have been is a night only a handful of times since she was born. I get so sad dropping her off at nursery but so excited to pick her up at night and I think about it all day. I have 2 children and I'm just as protective with my other little one.

My MIL wants to take her away for 3 nights and I just can't bring myself to do it, it's not the fact I don't trust her I'm just not ready to leave her that long, I will worry and be so distressed. I know she'd be taken care of and I've explained that to MIL but she thinks we just have an issue with her and we don't trust her which resulted in an argument. I've tried explaining but it's not working. How do I approach the situation? I'm not saying yes just to keep her happy knowing I won't be. I've done that too much.

Thank you ladies :)

YANBU. Do you mean on holiday? Has she stayed with MIL before? It sounds like a big step for a toddler to go from 1 night away from mum to 3 nights away somewhere unfamiliar.

Can your dh speak to her? Maybe she will accept it better coming from her ds... Stand firm though. Your dd isn't a toy.

just say no, i'll miss her too much. They can't override that.

Is it for an occasion? A holiday? Is she taking both DC?

You sound a bit OTT and will need to loosen the strings a bit as she gets older. On the other hand 3 nights is a lot for a two year old and you don’t need to make MIL feel good, most people would understand why 3 nights away might not work for a mum of a very young child.

I wouldn't have let my 2.5yo autistic son go away with anyone, even family, they wouldn't have been able to meet his needs, and to be honest they couldn't do it now either. I leave him with a handful of people that I have vetted and trust.

As another poster put it on a different MIL thread, who is your priority: MIL or DD? That's not to say you shouldn't be up for MIL having her overnight, just to consider whose feelings you prioritise.

Whether it's a good idea or not c much depends on DD existing relationship with/familiarity with MIL, Whether she's ever stayed over before etc

I understand.
My little boy is ASD and it wouldn’t be enjoyable for him or me for him to be away.
Your DH should speak to her.
Perhaps she could have DD for an afternoon if you feel comfortable with that?
I’ve had to say no a lot. My son’s needs mean he can only be with me or my DH, people who aren’t the main carer just don’t get it I find, but I’ve had to hold firm and say no. His needs come before their want to spend time with him.

Just say no.

Let her huff and puff. I wouldn’t let this worry you in the slightest and I wouldn’t dream of letting my three/four/seven/eight year old go anywhere unless completely necessary.

Forget this lark about having to loosen the apron strings. You absolutely never have to do this. My kids are finishing primary and have never stayed away from me for a night. They are independent, confident and outgoing kids

If MIL wants to spend time with your DD, she can stay a night in your house with you and DD.

At two? There's nothing to explain. Neither you nor she are ready, and that's that.

How old is your other child? You will have to get your head round it eventually but that's years away.

How often had MIL looked after her? How often has she stayed out of the family home? How many nights together away has she done?

About the only way you'd be unreasonable is if your mum is having her two or three nights at a time.

YANBU. I would just be saying no thanks, MIL, DD is far too young for a trip away overnight without me. And leave it at that. You don't need to explain yourself. A "no, that doesn't suit us" is sufficient.

You need to see this from your daughters perspective and not think about your needs and wanting her all to yourself.

it is healthy for your child to have close relationships with other relatives and it will only help her grown in independence and confidence. Don’t hold your child back by making her think anything done without you is wrong.

‘She’s too young. It is nothing to do with you MIL, I wouldn’t let her go away for three nights with anyone at this age. You think she’ll be fine? Sorry MIL but this is simply a case of we’ll have to agree to disagree. All parents have different boundaries and think differently on things like this and I’m the parent and that’s that. I’m sure you had your own boundaries when yours were little and you also expected them to be respected by your family. I’m sure you would have fallen out with anyone who didn’t, as would we, and we don’t want to fall out with you.’

Oh behave. The child is 2. It's not over the top to not want to spend time away from your toddler or to value time with them above everything else. It's very normal for lots of mothers and always has been.

I understand why you are so concerned. BUT. FWIW I have an adult child with ASD. There are so many times when I wished I had parents who could have taken him overnight or for a weekend to give me a break. Try to foster the relationship between your LO and MIL, at some point in the future you may be grateful if they get on well, if MIL can care for her well and you get a break. I haven't had a break from him in over 20 years, while I love him to bits, I also think it would have been so beneficial if he could have spent time away with grandparents. Maybe start with an afternoon to see how it goes and take it from there.

I fully believe that grandparent relationships can be so beneficial for kids (and for gp!) But mainly when grandparents are working in good partnership with the parents unless there's a good reason. I would hate to be away from ds for that long. I trust my in laws and have a fab relationship with mil and ds loves them to bits but I'd hate it and I don't see any reason why my child would need to be away from me for so long particularly at such a young age. I agree your dh needs to step in and say that you both agree it's too long for dd to be away but that you're more than happy for her to take her for one night/a full day/ afternoon (whatever you feel good with). I found that my mil was more accepting when we agreed a regular visit so ds goes once a fortnight and has dinner and plays there until bedtime when we collect him and every few months he has an overnight. Maybe you could have a think about what would work for your family and what would be helpful to you and then suggest that as an alternative?

I agree with others that 3 nights is long and a bit too much of a jump for a child who's only been away for the odd night here and there. Dsis is constantly asking me to have ds for an overnight I just say no he's too young but we can talk about it again when he's older. It's funny because she huffs and puffs but she did the same when her kids were little, I think sometimes people forget how hard it is when they are tiny and that not every mummy feels good and relaxed away from her kids. Personally I envy the ones who do!

I don't think the possible ASD is even relevant here, really - lots of parents would feel that three nights is a long time for a two-year-old to be away from home, even with a grandparent. Fine if you're comfortable with it, but if you're not, that's also fine. I think all you can do is explain to your MIL that this isn't anything to do with trust, and just about the fact that your daughter is still very little and three nights is a bit too long for her.

Grandma/MIL here.

I would understand even one night being too much, expecting 3 is unreasonable.

There is time for this when they're older.

It's your decision, but it does feel a bit OTT.

I don't think you have MiL issues as the title of your thread would lead us to believe.
I am going to be blunt here and say that I think you have attachment issues with your daughter - your happiness depends on her. You are sad when you drop her off at nursery and you're happy when you have to collect her.
Apart from nursery, do you ever leave your daughter with either your parents, your DH, or your in-laws at all?

I am sorry if I'm coming across as harsh here but you will, at some point have to leave your daughter with others. This is the mother of your husband that we're talking about, not some stranger off the street. If she was terribly abusive to you or anyone I'd be telling you not to do this but I think it would be a good thing, for you and for your daughter to be apart for a day or two.
Worst case scenario would mean that your MiL can't deal with your DD and she contacts you to collect your daughter early. Best case scenario would be for your DD to be able to spend time with a loving and caring grandparent while said grandparent is physically able to look after them.

Having read many threads on MN about MiL issues, I really honestly don't think this is a MiL issue. I'm not your MiL or anyone's MiL for that matter.

Which is it ... is op over the top or is 3 nights alot for a two year old... 🙄

Say no. You're the mum, what you say goes. That's the rule.

Your mother-in-law having a tantrum isn't your problem and don't waste a second worrying about it. What your children do isn't for her to decide, and what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. Your mother-in-law has her chance to be the mum with her children and now it's your turn.

Has she stayed away with MIL before? Or anyone?

If not, then 3 nights is a lot to start with.

It's handy if you are able to have a trusted person to have your children overnight - you never know when something unexpected will crop up and this is then one less thing to worry about.

But if you don't feel ready to start that process yet, then don't.

There’s no mention of a tantrum and is amazing how the old ‘had her turn’ goes out the window when child care is expected.