Please help - MIL issues :/

[alexis97]

Hi fellow mums, I'm looking for a bit of advice.

My little girl is being tested for ASD, I absolutely adore her and she is my world, she is coming up 3 end of the year and I couldn't be prouder of her.

I've never liked being away from her, and the longest I ever have been is a night only a handful of times since she was born. I get so sad dropping her off at nursery but so excited to pick her up at night and I think about it all day. I have 2 children and I'm just as protective with my other little one.

My MIL wants to take her away for 3 nights and I just can't bring myself to do it, it's not the fact I don't trust her I'm just not ready to leave her that long, I will worry and be so distressed. I know she'd be taken care of and I've explained that to MIL but she thinks we just have an issue with her and we don't trust her which resulted in an argument. I've tried explaining but it's not working. How do I approach the situation? I'm not saying yes just to keep her happy knowing I won't be. I've done that too much.

Thank you ladies :)

I have a son with ASD who is coming up 5. Even now I would only let him stay with his father (we’re separated). My son has absolutely no sense of danger so you have to be vigilant all the time. If not properly supervised he would run away, run into traffic, climb out a window, drink something unsavoury…. The list goes on. Is that a fear you have? If it is I’d explain this to your MIL, when they are neurodiverse they can be very unpredictable and catch you off guard. There’s no way I’d be able to relax if my son was away for three nights and I’d never forgive myself if something happened xx

When did the op say she expects childcare? That's right, she didn't, and an adult starting an argument when she doesn't get her way is absolutely a tantrum.

I would trust my mum with my life but my kids have never spent more than one night at hers. They are 4 and 5. I think 3 nights is a lot for a 2 year old. You need to do what is in her best interests. That might not always be what MIL. TBH, I sometimes have to consider if what I want is in my DC best interests. I really needed to force myself to sign school trip consent forms. I know going on the trip is in DC best interests even if it makes me uncomfortable.

She's too young plus ASD can drive horrendous homesickness.

I never did a sleep over as a child as I got so distressed.

Yanbu. Your wishes as mother and your child's wellbeing come before MIL's wants.

she is two years old. Keeping her with her primary caregivers the majority of the time is not OP 'wanting her all to [her]self', it is developmentally normal. It sounds like OP is seeing things from her child's perspective, and knows that it would be too much.

My child is NT (as far as I know) and I wouldn't have left her with someone else for 3 nights at that age. Actually she didn't have a night away from both of us until she was 4. Hasn't affected her naturally growing independence from us. Hasn't adversely affected her close and loving relationship with family members.

You can facilitate and nurture that grandparent relationship without leaving a child alone in their care for several days at a very young age. Might work great for some people but it is definitely not mandatory.

My children didnt have ASD and I would have only been separated from them for 3 nights if I was in hospital or something. I’m not judging people who leave their kids overnight but my kids weren’t used to that until much older and 3 nights for someone who has never done even one night is excessive.

Don't let people bully and pressurise you into doing things you are not ready to do. It is simply not worth the anxiety and stress it causes. Its not saying you will never be ready, but you get to decide when you are.

Say thank you but no and repeat. No further explanation necessary. You have to do what you feel is right for you and for your DD.

I'd already booked and paid for sports classes, also arranged play dates/outings for half term when MIL, having never been interested in having the DC to stay, suddenly insisted youngest should spend the entire week with them, Friday to Sunday, as a much younger cousin was also being looked after, Youngest didn't want to do a whole week. Youngest really needed to build friendships at the time which is why I'd organised so many things, so I explained this and was ignored. I was also very concerned as I suspected FILS driving deteriorating. I offered a compromise and she put the phone down on me.
It was what was right for my DS at the time. If I hadn't said no, he would missed out on trips with friends and we would have missed taking him and older siblings out for half term as well.
MIL was furious but got over it and life carried on.

However, if your MIL is more flexible, you could offer a compromise and see if one night would work or a whole day with you collecting at bed time instead, if you were happy with that.

I've tried explaining but it's not working.

It is working because she's not taking your DD away for 3 nights is she. You've said no so nothing more needs to be said unless there is more to this?

No. Just no. She is too little and you don't want to be away from her.

You are the mother, you get to veto these things. You didn't have a baby so MIL can play pretend she had a cute kid for 3 days.

I don't trust in laws who are so forceful and determined to have toddlers on their own. Something about it isn't right. They probably idealised this time and I would doubt whether they realise how hard work they can be and how closely they need to be watched.

I was like you, over protective because I had my own trauma. Now they are older I hugely regret it and the missed opportunities to closely bond with other people when they are young.
What you are teaching your child is that the world is not a safe place and that they are only truly safe when they are with their mummy. This seems innocent enough then they are tiny, but it has long term repercussions for them that are hard to reverse.
One of mine has ASD and the other ADHD, and I think they need to learn confidence out in the world even more than other kids so it isn't an excuse to be over protective.
I would look into getting some good counselling for yourself around your fears of seperation from your child and your beliefs about life/ the world.
The greatest gifts you can give your child are confidence and independence.

Edited to add, I am responding to the heightened emotions you describe at being away from your child at any time, rather than specifically letting someone take her for three days. I would definitely come up with a compromise that feels right to you in how long she spends away.
But I would give my heart and soul for my dds to have a grandmother who was so keen to bond with my kids! That is a blessing.

i didn’t say the OP is expecting childcare, I was generalising .

I had undiagnosed ASD and was distressingly homesick as a kid, regardless of who I was with. I still get upset by the thought of being away from home even now, even when it’s for a lovely holiday that I know I’ll enjoy! I’ve learned that it’s just my ASD brain getting discombobulated by the change in routine. But learning how to manage that for a small child means getting advice, so I think you need to wait for the diagnosis and see whether someone can help you work out what’s appropriate and most likely to be successful.

Is your MIL receptive to the potential ASD diagnosis? If so, could you try something like the message I’ve written below? (I know it’s very conciliatory, but it does sound like you love your MIL in most ways, and want your kids to be close to her; sorry if I’m wrong about that aspect of it.)

”MIL, I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt by our decision about DD being away from home. Will you let me try to start again with an explanation of how we’re thinking right now? At the moment, you know we’re waiting for DD’s ASD assessment. We want to wait until that’s done before we make decisions about how ready she is for sleepovers and trips away. If what we suspect is right, and she’s on the spectrum, it’ll mean that she won’t always react to things the way typical children do. It would be horrible if she gets distressed by being away from home the first time she goes away with you (which we’re told is very common for ASD kids, even when they’re with beloved family), because she might then become resistant to going away at all. We want to get advice from the experts about what will work best for DD, so that we can all support her learning to love being away from home and spending one-on-one time with you in ways that work best for her.

We know you want the best for DD too, although we totally understand that our decision has been a disappointment. I’m sorry that we obviously haven’t expressed our concerns about the assessment clearly before this, and we hope we’ve been able to explain better that this is actually a decision that we hope will encourage DD to develop a close, confident bond with you. Please believe that we trust and respect you as her GM; we just feel that all of us (me and DH too!) need to hear from the ASD experts before trying any big changes to DD’s routine.”

I don't think YABU for feeling how you do. My ds's are 19 and 15 and I still don't like them being away from me! My eldest has ASD. When he was little he started staying one night a week at my DM's because I was exhausted (he didn't sleep) obviously we didn't know he had ASD at that point. Because we started doing this so young he was fine, I was ok because he was only 10 mins away from me and I trusted my DM. It meant that as he grew up he was used to being away from me and with his Gran. It was part of his routine. It also meant that when his brother was rushed into hospital he was fine staying with my DM for a week.

Also I found it very interesting how he would behave at my DM's. Things that he couldn't do at home he could do at hers! But he would only do them at her's because thats what he did at Granny's. Whilst I can predict a lot of Ds's behaviour, a lot of times when he has to be away from me he has coped better than I thought he might.

I know you are talking about your MIL rather than your DM and I know that can often throw a different dynamic into things (my DMIL couldn't look after my Ds's due to her failing health, however if she had been fit enough to have them then I would have trusted her with them she's lovely). I think as other poster's have said whether your DD ever goes with your MIL for a prolonged period of time is really down to how you think your DD would cope and whether you think your MIL would. But atm her age is more important than the ASD and as many other people have said 2 years old is a long time to be away from Mummy if you haven't been before and you don't have to be (because sometimes emergencies happen).

If you do trust your MIL then I think it would be good for her to spend time with your DD if thats what your DD wants, but start small and build up the amount of time she is away from you, and that will hopefully be gentle enough for both of you to cope with.

I wonder if your MIL thinks YABU if maybe showing her this thread would prove that you are not unusual in how your feel about your 2 yo being away from you for 3 nights.

No sorry that won’t work for me right now, give it a year and let’s see how I feel then.
then don’t entertain any further conversations. You are her mother. People don’t have dibs on your kids no matter who they are

aww your DD is very little, of course you don’t want her away from you for 3 nights, even with MIL. It’s not a matter of trust, it’s that neither of you are ready. Say no and explain why, MIL is a mum, I am sure she will understand.

This! @Aquamarine1029

@BabyFedUp445

its almost like these in laws have never had kids of their own isn’t it?

Surely you simply don't reward a tantrum?
Mil had her own dc. .
Remind dh that.
Or suggest he buy his dm a Baby Annabele and she can play House with that.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to not want to be away from your daughter for 3 days at all! In fact I would say it’s completely normal!
MIL had her opportunity to raise children this is your turn and if your not happy it’s a no.
People don’t get to demand time with your children and pout when they don’t get it.
I would leave further discussion to DH as it will come better from him.
I understand why you feel uncomfortable but you’ve done nothing wrong- I would be exactly the same.

YANBU

MIL will just have to suck it up. Say you will miss her too much as PP suggested. She can’t argue with that.

Don’t burn your bridges with your MIL OP! There WILL be times when you wanna go out with your mates or your partner or whoever and will be wanting her to babysit!

I already responded to that and there is no "this." The op made no mention that she expects free childcare from her mother-in-law, and even if the mother-in-law did occasionally watch the child, that doesn't mean she can do whatever the fuck she wants.

My little girl is non verbal, she can't communicate her feelings and what she needs. She headbumps the floor when she's sad or objects. We have a paediatrics referral coming up as well as other professionals supporting us. It wasn't a decision we took lightly. She shouted at us and had a go at us that we don't trust her but she's the only person we've ever trusted to take her out, we let her take her to see family and pick her up from nursery early even though we pay extortionate fees. This is the only time we've said no, I guess she's been used to yes for so long. She really treated me unfair this morning and was really awful. I texted her asking if she's okay and explained again and she just ignored it. I can't honestly believe this because we made a decision I'm pretty sad 😔

We did and she responded "she might be autistic but she's not disabled" she's very vulnerable and she doesn't understand danger, she will run off and explore, she's non verbal, she can't communicate her feelings and she headbumps objects and the floor when she's distressed. It wasn't a decision we took lightly :(