Please help - MIL issues :/

[alexis97]

Hi fellow mums, I'm looking for a bit of advice.

My little girl is being tested for ASD, I absolutely adore her and she is my world, she is coming up 3 end of the year and I couldn't be prouder of her.

I've never liked being away from her, and the longest I ever have been is a night only a handful of times since she was born. I get so sad dropping her off at nursery but so excited to pick her up at night and I think about it all day. I have 2 children and I'm just as protective with my other little one.

My MIL wants to take her away for 3 nights and I just can't bring myself to do it, it's not the fact I don't trust her I'm just not ready to leave her that long, I will worry and be so distressed. I know she'd be taken care of and I've explained that to MIL but she thinks we just have an issue with her and we don't trust her which resulted in an argument. I've tried explaining but it's not working. How do I approach the situation? I'm not saying yes just to keep her happy knowing I won't be. I've done that too much.

Thank you ladies :)

Just reiterate that you have said there is no problem with her, it’s just that you’ll miss her too much for that long, and that’s all it is. Ignore the upset. A reasonable person would back off.

How nasty.

This poor grandma wants to be an active part of her grandkids' lives, and you're talking about her like she's Malificient!

God you all hate MOLs don't you.

You all forget that you will likely be one, one day...

Agreed. Mine were the same. They always stayed with me and they’re all confident professionals now.

I have explained so nicely, she shouted at me in her kitchen today about it, then I explained again and so did my husband. Now she's ignoring my messages, I'm being so kind and trying to extend an olive branch and I'm just being ignored and spoke about behind my back, she's implying to family she's not allowed to see her which isn't the case. This is the first time I've said no she's always been allowed to take her out and out to families houses and has had her overnight I just don't want her away for 3 nights :(

You stand your ground, especially given your update. End it with the olive branches, you've done enough. MIL needs to learn you are the parent, when you say no, you mean no. That her like a toddler.

I'm sorry she was so angry with you. Tbh my parents are the same. They are the most wonderful, caring parents and grandparents...until you say no to something and WW3 follows. It's a control thing.

Depends on the child. DS would've gone off with a stranger on the street for a week if they offered him a toy or sweets. He was never clingy in the slightest- very laid back, friendly, sociable. DD has never spent a night away from me or her dad- she's quite clingy and shy. Both happy, loving and securely attached kids, just very very different personalities. I'd have sent DS away with a second thought but would've said no to DD as I know she'd be very upset and miss me/her dad too much. Personally I can spend quite a bit of time away from my kids without it affecting me. I love them both fiercely but I've always worked full time, had an active social life and now share custody of DD 50/50. I'm not saying my way is the right way but now DS is an adult and I don't see DD half the week, it has definitely benefitted me always maintaining my own independence and sense of identity outside of being a mum.

She's ignoring you.

That's a great result.

Leave her to sulk. Don't reward this behaviour with any further response.

The conversation is over. She'll be back when she wants something.

“No sorry MIL, we tried to be civil and offer an explanation to help you understand but you refused to listen. So listen and understand this: NO. The end.”

You've explained your reasons so just leave it now. I wouldn't go pandering to her and I would expect her to apologise for yelling at you. Tell your DH this and let him deal with her from now on. You're under no obligation to let her have your little one for 3 nights away and you don't have to put up with being shouted at or spoken to rudely. It's ok to stand your ground calmly and firmly.

The wee pet. If MIL doesn't understand this, she can't be trusted to take care of your little girl. Stand your ground.

Mine never stayed over with grandparents. We lost my parents when they were still quite young and we lived an hour away. I wouldn't have left the ILs in charge of a hamster. Not that they ever offered anyway.

It's your MIL's loss if she takes the hump! You have enough on your plate without her childish tantrums.

Wise up.

Ditto. The first time mine were away from me was a school trip when they were 11. Didn't hold them back in any shape or form.

Ugh. In that case, I have no possible useful suggestions. I’m so sorry. ASD is absolutely a disability, and your DD is very lucky to have parents who are working hard to make sure that is properly accommodated. I was so hoping that your MIL just hadn’t joined the dots about this, and would have a lightbulb moment if it was explained in those terms. But no, she’s just one of the many people who don’t get what ASD means.

I really hope MIL gets her head sorted, because otherwise she’s only going to make everything harder and harder for everyone, until one day she’ll be on mumsnet saying “I did everything right, why don’t I ever see my grandkids?” You’ve done everything you can to help her understand. She needs to finish that journey on her own now, because it sounds like you’ve been beyond patient.

From an ASD adult who wishes people had understood her as a child, thank you so much for protecting your DD. It will make such a difference to her entire life.

So she's had her overnight and how did that go,were there any issues?

Don’t be bullied by a selfish MIL, it’s your baby, you need to put your foot down because if you don’t, these demands will get worse. Tell your partner to tell his mum it’s not happening, stand up to her. If she’s upset, then it’s of her own making. Sorry you have been upset and getting the silent treatment, but let her get on with it. Good luck going forward OP.

@alexis97 You need to stop trying to pacify her now. What she is proposing is not in your child's best interests and your decision is s not going to change. If she shouts at you id tell her I will not be talked to like that and hang up the phone. If your at her house then leave.

You are her parents. You know what is in her nest interest. It's your decision to make. If MIL doesn't like it then she can lump it.

From previous posts you've given her plenty of contact time including one overnighter. You are not prohibiting their relationship or inhibiting your DD's independence in adulthood by waiting until you are both ready.

Someone who tries to get their way by shouting at you because you said no politely, then makes a big display of sulking and ignoring you and then spreads unflattering lies about you to the rest of the family, is someone with major behaviour issues and I wouldn't trust them.

It shows a complete lack of respect for you as a mother. I would feel that if you asked them to do things with DD in a certain way (which you developed due to day to day experience) that they wouldn't listen and would instead impose their own way of doing things, and that would be a concern.

You are in charge of what's best for your DD, and if you think both of you are not ready yet that should be good enough for anyone. Treating her GDs mother badly is not a great way for her to build a relationship with her granddaughter if that's what she's trying to do. She should be wiser than that.

So what if she has a sulk. Let her. She's not in charge of you. Why should you endure all this angst and then do what she says in order to make her stop, making yourself anxious and miserable in the process? It will only reinforce it in her mind that this is her best method to get what she wants.

She will get over her sulk eventually and life will go on.

She responded to my message reaching out an olive branch saying she understands, but then told my husband she wants 2 days or so to cool off and then to talk calmly to us. I think she's hoping I change my mind.. nope not happening. I've always let things slide when I'm not happy and I don't think people in the family like that I'm now fighting my corner

This sounds like a difficult situation, and I agree that she acted unfairly. In the long term, it might be beneficial to try and reach a point where she does support things like overnight stays and respite care. I've read so many MN threads where people don't know how they would cope if they suddenly needed an operation or were called for jury service. They often feel overwhelmed and unsupported, waiting years, if not forever, for official respite and care from the state. I am not siding with your MIL; she is acting like a child, but think about how this could work in the future. How could you work towards accepting this offer of support in the future.

No decent dgm would want to upset her dgc or it's dm by insisting they be split up. More so a non verbal dc... My ds is 9 and has slept out 6 times. Of his own choice from about 6 years old. He decided he was ready.
And he is NT...