I just want someone to tell me what to do

[Wobblyheart]

I am completely and utterly burnt out. I've suffered for crippling anxiety for very long time. For the last 20 months I had only two nights where I had 5 consecutive hours of sleep.

I have been trying to get to the bottom of my physical condition that leaves me utterly exhausted for over 18 months and not getting anywhere.

I have worries about my 20mo development and I feel that he is likely to be on thr spectrum (and possibly I am myself too!).

I tried therapy, I am on meds, I try positive attitude, I try and try but I just seem to fall and hit the ground hard.

Our new beautiful house is a mess. I worry about damage to our new fittings because i just can't look after it properly. For the first time ever I am struggling at work to the point it affecting my performance.

I am so lost, I struggle to plan supermarket shops and end up spending too much.

I am a total mess and I don't know where to get help.

I don't want the cbt. I can't afford talking therapy right now.

Where do I start? How do I pull myself together and get my life back???

I don't want the cbt. why not?

Unfortunately the NHS has a set route of help so you'd have to take up the cbt they offer before they'll offer anything else.

I'm not sure I can offer any advice but I wanted to say your not alone and the things you describe quite regularly are how I feel too. I'm just trying to get DS ready for school and then I'll come back and message more thoroughly and maybe we can pull ourselves out of the darkness

Take some time off work. Get signed off sick. Seek private therapy. I did this. It worked.

Sending hugs

Sleep will help so much.
Have you taken sleeping tablets? Will your gp prescribe some?

I found after a week or so of good sleep, I was more able to tackle things.
Or at least to make a plan to tackle things.

Hi I get how you feel! You will have to try CBT First as nhs will refer you for that then they can refer other things like counselling, or groups you can join. I would also speak to the GP about meds maybe they need changing or need to be upped? Sleep wise I would also speak to the GP see if they can give you something for a couple weeks to get yourself into a routine as sleep is defo something that affects the brain in regards to mental health it's soo important to get the sleep you need. Also are you eating? You need to eat too as it gives you energy. Do you have any hobbies at all? Painting? Swimming? Going for walks? Maybe try and do something you like once a week and can look forward too to keep your mind occupied. I've been like this the last few weeks it's horrible just feel like you're in a hole and can't get out of it. I have to push myself as I have 4 children and I'm a single mum. I just feel life is boring and tedious at the moment 😩

I've tried it twice, both with wonderful therapists but I dont find it works for me. I struggle with it and then feel even more awful because I fail at it.

What helped before (to some degree) was a talking therapy where one can offer a different perspective but I can't afford this now.

Oh I CAN sleep but my 20 mo won't let me. On a hoof night he wakes up 1-3 times. On a nad night it's every 40 minutes and we have many bad nights!

If you’re thinking that you’re potentially on the spectrum, there’s a screening test the nhs use, think it’s aq10 which might give you a direction to head.

All the struggles you’ve written about sound very similar to me, and I’m awaiting diagnosis for adhd. I’m pretty sure I have it. Life was almost manageable before I had my kids, in a bit scatty but hanging on kind of way, but having them has really highlighted to me how much I just can’t do life like other people.

For cleaning, I tell myself I’ll do one short and simple job like unload the dishwasher. This generally will spiral once I’ve completed my task and I’ll hit something else up as I’ve got the enthusiasm because I achieved what I set up to do. Unfuckyourhabitat has a blitz list broken down into emergency cleaning which helps me to tackle the whole house if it’s out of control because it stops me hyper focusing on something stupid like obsessing over my skirting boards being pristine when the sitting room is chaos for example, and it reminds me to take regular breaks so I don’t get overwhelmed. Might be worth a look!

Supermarket online shops are a nightmare for me, so I’ll do it when I have enough time but not too much time, so before the kids get up for school for example, so I know I have to keep it going or it won’t get done.

You’re not alone in the struggle, it’s horrible.

YANBU cbt is well know to often not work or even make things worse for ND people and you should have the option to side swipe that as a hoop to jump through.
Ask your GP to have a referral to a psychiatrist and perhaps look at the NICE guidelines for any help gaining that.

I've had to go privately as they lodt my referral and only told me a year after when I chased them, it was a 4y wait at best and my health was already dire at that point.

Do you have a partner and, if so, how do you share the nights?

Op I think pp has suggested perfectly what you could try.
Sleep is vital to function as well as will help alot attitude.
I found once I felt anxiety was under control my appetite increased a lot.
Mess and messy are ok, as long as you all have clean clothes, dishes done and the rest does not really matter.
What do you do once a day that you enjoy or like to do? Make this as simple or adapt to seasons, busy days to quieter days.

You should get asseded for ADHD and/or Autism. Normal therapy and medicine doesn't work the same or at all for us since depression and exhastion is a symptom on top of ADHD/autism and not the problem in it self.

Sounds typical for neurodivergent adults trying to cope as if they aren't tbh. CBT is unlikely to be effective unless it's adapted. No real advice as I'm in the same boat but you have my sympathy.

Where do you work? Do you have access to an employee support line? They usually do talking therapy.

The house will be fine. Can you afford a cleaner once a week?

Can you agree a night your partner will do all the waking up and you sleep in another room? If you have a partner obv. Any grandparents or friends available to assist once a week or even once a month? Hire an overnight nanny or babysitter?

CBT is gaslighting IMO. I've done it 3 times face to face and once online, it's all dreadful.

Get a Gousto box once a week.

What's the physical condition you're trying to ID?

This is lack of sleep, and even if there is something else in the background - you won't be able to see it clearly until you are sleeping better.

It isn't a coincidence that you stopped sleeping/had a baby 20 months ago and 18 months ago started feeling totally wretched.

You need to prioritise getting some sleep, whether that's DH stepping up, a sleep consultant, a weekend away, sleep training, anything. The current way is killing you.

CBT and ASD are not often a good combination

Gosh.... thank you so much everyone. I was getting ready to be slammed and instead just nearly crying ad it makes a lot of sense.

I do know know if I am autistic (I never thought I was!!!!!) but lately I am questioning everything. I am pretty certain I have ADHD so yes I think I an going to ask for evaluation and then review the meds.

How do you cope with the worry about your child being on the spectrum? I worry he won't be happy and that I wont be able to give him the support he needs from me as I am such a mess! So many threads on here how parents of ND struggle without adequate support. It's just too much to cope with.

Came to say this. Neurodivergence needs specific treatment of its own, you can’t just ‘focus your way better’ out of it. Sounds like you’re in burnout, having a child (especially one who possibly has additional needs) can absolutely trigger it. I suspect I have adhd (two children also diagnosed but dad doesn’t have the traits) and my sleep has always been bad. Since having children with additional needs it’s basically non existent, I cannot switch off even if they’re not having a bad night. My brain is wired to be constantly on ‘go’ mode and having kids obviously makes that 24/7. Look into the online tests as a starter and take it from there for appropriate help.

Can you co-sleep? For dome it's the only thing that works. If you are ND, it isn't out if the realms of possibility that your child is and that explains the lack of sleep. I agree that the first thing to sort out is sleep. Then get as much help as possible. You seem to be ignoring the questions about your child's father.

You start by putting on your own oxygen mask. Which means sleep - your sleep - has to be the #1 priority or you won't be fit to do anything for anyone.

As his mum, you need rest so you can help him. Worry about school and wider support when you're a bit better rested. You can't fix it all in one day.

That's exactly what I was thinking.
You need sleep. Even book a room in the local travel lodge, go for a walk, have a bath and get one decent night's sleep.

Reset your batteries and start again.

No amount of anything can help with broken sleep and a baby who won't sleep.

It actually started towards the end of my pregnancy. My main symptoms are shortness of breath, extreme fatigue that doesn't get better with rest, body feeling heavy. I lost weight and got it back on. I had a suspected cancer (had surgery, it was benign). Was assessed for MND, MS, autoimmune, bloods, heart, thyroid, hormones, all normal. So the only thing I'd left is sleep deprivation, something metabolic that doesnt let me absorb nutrients, CFS or cancer that we are missing. My GPs are amazing but everything is taking sooooo looooong and I can't bear it.

I just feel like I am trying to live and act as a normal person whilst having serious mental and physical health issues that nobody sees or recognises.

"How do you cope with the worry about your child being on the spectrum? I worry he won't be happy and that I wont be able to give him the support he needs from me as I am such a mess! So many threads on here how parents of ND struggle without adequate support. It's just too much to cope with."
I found Buddhist thought processes and meditation beneficial. Science backs Buddhism for brain health. But you need to sort out sleeping first.

@LittleLittleRex agree with this

Yes we already co-sleep and he is like that even we co-sleep. I know I need to try sleep training but worry it's not going to work if he is ND?

My husband helps a lot but he completely dismisses idea that either me or our son can be ND. He just thinks I am not well mentally. He sleeps with my son 2 nights per week but it has been actually harder because he wakes up with him and goes into meltdown often and then we spend 1-2 hours awake trying to calm him down.