I just want someone to tell me what to do

[Wobblyheart]

I am completely and utterly burnt out. I've suffered for crippling anxiety for very long time. For the last 20 months I had only two nights where I had 5 consecutive hours of sleep.

I have been trying to get to the bottom of my physical condition that leaves me utterly exhausted for over 18 months and not getting anywhere.

I have worries about my 20mo development and I feel that he is likely to be on thr spectrum (and possibly I am myself too!).

I tried therapy, I am on meds, I try positive attitude, I try and try but I just seem to fall and hit the ground hard.

Our new beautiful house is a mess. I worry about damage to our new fittings because i just can't look after it properly. For the first time ever I am struggling at work to the point it affecting my performance.

I am so lost, I struggle to plan supermarket shops and end up spending too much.

I am a total mess and I don't know where to get help.

I don't want the cbt. I can't afford talking therapy right now.

Where do I start? How do I pull myself together and get my life back???

Yes please!!!!! Just knowing I am not alone helps already.

Thank you, I might actually consider that.

I never took time off for stress but maybe I need to rest and reset my head.

@GoogleWhacking also love your username a Dave Gorman fan myself 😊

Have you got the results of your various tests and looked them up yourself? It’s common for the NHS “acceptable” range to be far too broad, and for people to struggle with things like thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies, when the NHS say they’re ok.

Have you considered sleep apnoea? Fatigue that doesn’t get better with rest was what triggered my diagnosis. I actually went to the GP thinking it was depression.

As you have a partner who is able to look after your child, consider literally taking yourself out of the house for a night - go to family or book a premier inn. Try and get an undisturbed night.

My 3 year old is suspected ASD. I swing from it taking up every moment’s thought, to almost forgetting about it. Right now, he is the little person he is. We don’t have massively challenging behaviour, it’s different if you do. But there’s something in accepting it and facing each challenge as it arises, rather than driving yourself in to the ground worrying about things which may not happen.

Oh you are doing amazing! And thank you for your reply!

Kids are the most beautiful thing ever but it is so so so hard at the same time! It's crazy. And you have all of that times 4 and being single!

I am doing my 6th round of cbt as an autistic adult but this time I have been offered it via webchat.

In my first appointment I said look, cbt hasn't worked for me before, I'm still the way I am and my therapist said what didn't work?

I listed all the ways I struggled, visualisations, reframing traumatic events etc. And she was actually extremely lovely and worked with me rather than against me and now we are doing cbt but she also listens to me.

She has also said that the person I was before burnout isn't possible to be again. And the point of cbt isn't to cure autism, and there will always be challenges with autism in my life however there are some things cbt can help with before I reach complete dysregulation and meltdown mode. It could mean the difference in a day where I brush both my teeth and my hair or just my hair.

It's not meant to be a cure.

And every time I have done cbt I have learnt something new.

So even though it isn't very neuro-affirming, it has still been helpful and it's a stepping stone to more services.

It's worth engaging with it.

Thank you for reaching out. This is exactly how I feel. Even if my son has a good night I often can't switch off myself.

Do you mind me asking if your children diagnosed with adhd or asd? Do you think it is passed from their father?

When hubby does 2 nights a week sleep in a separate room and put ear plugs in, he can wake you in an emergency. DO NOT intervene otherwise. Before bed have a camomile tea,
do a sleep meditation, pillow spray - all can help with sleep quality.

Yoga nidra is very restful. Plan in a few times a week just 10-30 mins with someone else watching the baby.

Do an online food shop each week. Make one meal plan and order the same stuff each week for now whilst it feels overwhelming. Focus on eating protein, carbs and healthy fats in each meal and cut out all the CRAP (caffeine, refined sugar, alcohol, processed foods) as it will only make you feel worse. Get a large 1L water bottle and fill it 2 times a day.

Contact home start, they can help with a volunteer 2 hours a week to watch the baby, you could blitz the house then, have a good tidy up and get on top of laundry. Or ideally do one load of laundry a day and a quick 15 min tidy up each day when baby naps with hubby taking charge of cleaning down the kitchen each day. Get a cleaner if you can. Then use the 2 hours to have a good nap yourself.

Whilst figuring out fatigue issues, don’t over exert yourself physically, minimal exercise, short walks only, try to keep an activity diary to identify any particular physical or mental tasks that make you feel exhausted a few hours to days after. This can help with identifying post exertional malaise which is a defining feature of ME/CFS.

Take time off sick and focus on establishing a routine for home and focus on your health.

That’s not true. It depends on your area. I was offered therapy before CBT.

Both! Their dad has undiagnosed autism but it’s became quite apparent he was undx when our eldest turned out to be his personality twin. I have three children, the youngest has also been referred for an autism diagnosis (those genes are strong 🤣). Their dad is a seemingly rarer example of having ASD without adhd - I drove him bonkers with my ability to lose every item going, unable to turn off my brain so constantly over analysing/planning everything, time blindness, inability to process verbal instructions first time, finding me completely zoned out when overwhelmed… (and dont get me started with the nightmare I had during school). It took longer for my eldest’s ASD to be recognised as he is verbal and doesn’t have a learning disability, but his adhd was diagnosed quite quickly. My other son had more ‘typical’ ASD/ADHD traits from toddlerhood.

You're in burnout. Right now, you need to be signed off work. Autistic burnout is a thing, and I've been through it.

Keep him in nursery whilst you're off too. Take the time to rest and recuperate. Keep demands to a minimum.

My eldest was the same sleep wise. I don't quite know how I got through it, but I did, and he's a 31 year old man, who's fast asleep on the sofa currently, as we're staying with my other kids visiting.

Life is exhausting enough working ft with a small child. Throw in neurodivergence AND the anxiety it brings, and it's hardly surprising that we struggle.

Hang in there, ask for an assessment referral, take the time off work you need. You're really important. Once you're better rested, you'll be able to start to cope with the little things, and that's what you build on.

You're doing okay, you really are, you're not shit at life, you're actually brilliant at it. You're just fucking knackered and burnt out. It can get better.

I have (diagnosed) ADHD and this sounds a lot like me when things start getting too much. If you're physically exhausted/unwell then it makes it so much worse. I agree with PP about requesting test results so you can see for yourself where you are in the ranges.

I've had several goes at CBT but it made me feel more stressed out and anxious, so I can understand that.

https://adhduk.co.uk/support/

https://adhdaware.org.uk/

I've found these organisations helpful. They have support groups and you don't have to have a formal diagnosis to access them.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner?

Take the baby into bed with you op, you need a sleep.

You put the brakes on and stop! Get signed off work and begin building from there! You can’t pour from an empty jug.

You sound totally overwhelmed. When this happens to me I make a long list of everything that is bothering me, then i cross off the things I have no control over because they can’t be changed. Then I break down the things I can control and make them into more manageable chunks. So for me the house is overwhelming so I broke it down into doing 3 jobs per night and then at the end of the week I found I had a nice clean house and I was more in control (I’ve also kept this up) so one a Monday I’ll do tidy, polish, bins. Tuesday I’ll do hoover, mop, bathroom, Wednesday I’ll do a washing, a shop and clean the kitchen….see what I mean?
Remember when people say to take it day by day? This is the same but you’re taking it one job at a time.

Thanks so much for all of your thoughtful responses, I am so exhausted I don't even know what the right thing to say but know I appreciate them all.

I take 5htp which is an amino acid precursor to serotonin, it helped enormously with sleep and anxiety. I don't know if you can take it if you are on SSRIs though, but it helped me more than antidepressants did.

Have you had any blood tests run? It isn't unusual to be really low in ferritin (iron stores) after giving birth, that can cause loads of issues physical and mental. The NHS ranges are usually too low as well, the world health organisation classes anything lower than 30ug as deficiency (most nhs trusts go down to 10 as minimum range) people can be symptomatic under 100. There are other deficiencies or conditions that can cause or worsen these problems too.

Two nights in a travel lodge will do you the world of good op.

Baby is safe and with dad, who can cope for 2 nights. You won't be woken because baby won't settle straight away with dad, he will have to settle baby himself. Or learn very quickly, like you had to 20 months ago.

I've recently recovered from a chronic pain condition that woke me dozens of times a night. Once I got on top of the sleep I felt so much better in myself - the other stuff (physical and emotional) becomes much more manageable one you get some sleep in.

If your dh isn't prepared to support you in this, could a grandparent come to stay for a couple of nights so you can take some time out?

If you were my friend I would offer to do this for you. I'd hate that you were struggling so much. Hugs x

CBT is gaslighting IMO.

This was my experience, sadly. I'm sorry it was like that for you too.

You put the brakes on and stop! Get signed off work and begin building from there! You can’t pour from an empty jug.

OP, I agree with what this pp said! You've got a lot on your plate and sleep deprivation is a real killer. You need to be as kind to yourself as circumstances will allow. Hope it soon gets easier.

You shouldn't take it on SSRIs due to the impact on serotonin receptors is what I was told.

Also tryptophan is much safer than 5htp but mostly comes in powder form and can be a sensory hell to take.

You need more sleep. It's impossible to tell if you need therapy or anything else while you're so sleep deprived.

Your dh needs to do more to facilitate your sleep. So, you need to be completely off duty sometimes and he just copes. If you both work, he should be doing half the night waking.

We had a particularly bad period where one of us would sleep 6pm-midnight and the other would sleep midnight-6am. Get those hours in however you have to.

Yes had lots of blood tests. Ferritin could.be higher for sur but not awful.

Serum ferritin level 38 ug/L [23.0 - 300.0]

What did come up a year ago (and no proper explanation from GP) and just now - is elevated LD level

Serum lactate dehydrogenase level 239 u/L [125.0 - 220.0]; Above high reference limit

Are there any doctors here who knows what it could mean? I think this is what I am tired. I looked up potential causes and it's rather scary.

Start using Autism resources, you don’t need the diagnosis to get started. There are loads of women with autism on YouTube who really get it. Download a bunch onto your phone and listen when you can. The more you learn, the more you realise you’re not broken, you’re one of many and you start accepting how your brain works and making adjustments.

This sounds exactly like autistic burnout.

Elevated levels of LDH and changes in the ratio of the LDH isoenzymes usually indicate some type of tissue damage. Usually LDH levels will rise as the cellular destruction begins, peak after some time period, and then begin to fall. For instance, when someone has a heart attack, blood levels of total LDH will rise within 24 to 48 hours, peak in 2 to 3 days, and return to normal in 10 to 14 days. LDH levels are elevated in many other conditions reflecting its widespread tissue distribution.
Elevated levels of LDH may be seen with:

1. Cerebrovascular accident (CVA, stroke)
2. Drugs: anaesthetics, aspirin, narcotics, procainamides, alcohol
3. Haemolytic anaemia
4. Pernicious anaemias (megaloblastic anaemais)
5. Infectious mononucleosis (glandular fever)
6. Intestinal and pulmonary infarction (tissue death)
7. Kidney disease
8. Liver disease
9. Muscular dystrophy
10. Pancreatitis
11. Some cancers
12. Lymphoma and other cancers

With some chronic and progressive conditions, and some drugs, moderately elevated LDH levels may persist. Low and normal levels of LDH do not usually indicate a problem. Low levels are sometimes seen when a patient ingests large amounts of ascorbic acid (vitamin C).

https://labtestsonline.org.uk/tests/lactate-dehydrogenase-ldh

Your ferritin is quite low. Have your B12 levels been checked?