I just want someone to tell me what to do

[Wobblyheart]

I am completely and utterly burnt out. I've suffered for crippling anxiety for very long time. For the last 20 months I had only two nights where I had 5 consecutive hours of sleep.

I have been trying to get to the bottom of my physical condition that leaves me utterly exhausted for over 18 months and not getting anywhere.

I have worries about my 20mo development and I feel that he is likely to be on thr spectrum (and possibly I am myself too!).

I tried therapy, I am on meds, I try positive attitude, I try and try but I just seem to fall and hit the ground hard.

Our new beautiful house is a mess. I worry about damage to our new fittings because i just can't look after it properly. For the first time ever I am struggling at work to the point it affecting my performance.

I am so lost, I struggle to plan supermarket shops and end up spending too much.

I am a total mess and I don't know where to get help.

I don't want the cbt. I can't afford talking therapy right now.

Where do I start? How do I pull myself together and get my life back???

I don't know why my link above says lymphoma!! I didn't link to anything about lymphoma.

Edit: ah, it's because there are links within the text I C&P'd.

Op as you are so sleep deprived you cannot tell anything...

Push hard all your worries aside for now, they are not going anywhere so just mentally park them away from you.

Work out in detail how to get a full nights sleep with your DH, one of you has to be right away from DS, can you sleep at a friends/relatives/downstairs..half the week, say every other day? anywhere you cannot hear DS?
Can you wear noise cancelling headphones, good easrplugs, soundproof a room...anything?
Plan carefully how to do this to suit you, which days you do and Dh does..(the other must NOT be disturbed under any circumstance)
Where can you sleep to not hear DS ?
when he wakes can the on duty parent stay in his room with him, with the door shut?
Can the off duty parent sleep anywhere in the house and not hear him?
Focus on getting this routine down and prioritise above all else.
If each of you can have 3/4 nights good sleep say 10pm till 6am then EVERYTHING else will change for the better.

Only then will you be able to see what to tackle next.

good luck sleep deprivation is torture.

It's normal..

B12 & serum Folate
Serum vitamin B12 level 322 ng/L [187.0 - 883.0]
Serum folate level 6.0 ug/L [3.1 - 20.5]

I can't stop th8nking about cancer actually, i have night sweats and shortness of breath too. But clear chest x ray.

Have you had your blood pressure checked recently?

Fatigue is a really common and debilitating symptom of ADHD since it takes much more effort and energy for us to do the essentials, so if you're sleep-deprived too that obviously won't be helping. It does sound like getting more sleep is a priority, although I know this is easier said than done.

This is why you feel the way you do.

Please start by taking all the guilt and shame away from how you are coping/not coping. No one can function well on constantly broken sleep.

You have my total support and understanding. DS2 is autistic, undiagnosed for years, and never slept. Never ever ever. He woke every 40 mins for at least 30 mins, screaming and thrashing. I was so tired I forgot my own name. My house was a mess. I had to leave a really brilliant job. My self esteem plummeted and I got severe depression. I thought I was a useless mother, useless employee, useless housewife, useless friend, useless wife.

I was just broken with fatigue. It is used as a form of torture for a reason.

Understand that your life is currently limited by your child's sleep patterns. There are things you can't do due to chronic sleep deprivation. With no guilt whatsoever, look into taking time off work with stress while you try to get some medical help for your DC and for you. Maybe a sleep clinic. Maybe melatonin. There was nothing around when DS was small but perhaps there's help now.

For housework I learned to rely on 5 minute 'room rescues.' (Flylady.) Set a timer for 5 minutes and improve a room until the timer sounds. Empty bins, hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, chuck out any junk mail, used food and drink containers etc. Put dirty washing in the machine and turn it on. You will be amazed how much better a room looks after only 5 mins. When I was really tired I used to do it for 2 mins, as half way through 5 mins I'd forget what I was doing, my brain was so shot to pieces.

Every day make a list, if only in your head, but ideally in a notebook, of what you did do, not what you didn't. Very revealing. You might think: Yet again I go to bed with the house a tip, not having changed the sheets etc etc, But when you write it down, you find you spent 3 hours rocking a sobbing baby, 1 hour cleaning up sick, 30 mins trying to get a GP appointment. You realise you did actually prep food, put on a wash load, bathe your child, walk the dog etc.

You also may be ND, as you suggest. Worth trying to get tested for Autism and ADHD - long wait lists but no harm in joining them. And also test for PND. Medication for anxiety and for ADHD if you have it, or for depression will take the raw edge off these days. Taking meds is no sign of failure, It's a sign of self care and finding ways to cope.