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Original poster

Best friend and maid of honour didn’t give gift

68 replies

MyCheeryOrca · 01/07/2024 21:35

I got married last year and had my best friend as my maid of honour. Where I am from you gift money in a card as a wedding gift, usually to cover the cost of your meal etc. although it’s not expected, it is the done thing. There were a handful of people who didn’t gift anything and they did not bother me at all, so I don’t know why I’m feeling so miffed about MOH and partner not gifting anything. At first I assumed the card got lost and didn’t say anything. Then a few weeks after the wedding she said oh I have your card there I must drop it up. That was a year ago. No mention of it since,
she got married recently and before the wedding she had mentioned she was paying for one night in the hotel for bridesmaids because she was asking us to come to the hotel the night before and to stay the night after (3 nights in total) this also never materialised, I paid for the full stay myself (which is fine as I was planning to before she mentioned it) but why say it at all? She then mentioned that she had paid half of the photographers stay because she came the night before.
i also had a baby in the last year and she hasn’t sent a gift even though she said she had one there for her. Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way?
Just to clarify I don’t care about paying for the hotel for her wedding but it kind of bugged me that she said they would pay for one night. Why say anything at all?

OP posts:
NorthernGirlie · 01/07/2024 21:38

It usually costs £££ to be a MoH (hen do, shoes, make up, hair, hotel stay...)

She's probably shelled out quite a lot without a gift!

DontBiteTheCat · 01/07/2024 21:39

I don’t think the issue is that she hasn’t given a gift, it’s more that she keeps SAYING things and they don’t materialise.

I don’t know what the answer is OP but I’d be annoyed too.

Original poster
MyCheeryOrca · 01/07/2024 21:40

NorthernGirlie · 01/07/2024 21:38

It usually costs £££ to be a MoH (hen do, shoes, make up, hair, hotel stay...)

She's probably shelled out quite a lot without a gift!

Apart from the hen (which was divided between all attendees) and hotel stay I paid for everything else for my bridesmaids. My wedding party only stayed for one night and not 3 nights that was expected for hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCheeryOrca · 01/07/2024 21:41

DontBiteTheCat · 01/07/2024 21:39

I don’t think the issue is that she hasn’t given a gift, it’s more that she keeps SAYING things and they don’t materialise.

I don’t know what the answer is OP but I’d be annoyed too.

Yes maybe that’s the issue.

OP posts:
SuncreamAndIceCream · 01/07/2024 21:42

I would definitely not expect a gift from a MOH.

A card yes, and I think you're right to be a bit miffed about that.

But it costs money to take part in a wedding - travel, hen do, time spent organising and so on. None of that is free.

FluffyDen · 01/07/2024 21:42

Presumably the hen and hotel stay cost her several hundred, plus travel etc?

It's very expensive attending a wedding even as a normal guest. I have been a moh in the last few years and it cost well over £500. If I was asked again I'd probably have to decline!

MavisPennies · 01/07/2024 21:44

Is she just insanely scatty?

Latenightreader · 01/07/2024 21:46

I had a friend who used to do that - she was going to treat me to a particular activity, she was going to buy me a copy of a book she thought I’d love, she was going to buy a particular thing for my baby, none of which materialised. I was really excited about the activity because she talked about it a lot, and after that and the book I stopped expecting anything. We have drifted apart now, but for completely unrelated reasons!

Original poster
MyCheeryOrca · 01/07/2024 21:47

FluffyDen · 01/07/2024 21:42

Presumably the hen and hotel stay cost her several hundred, plus travel etc?

It's very expensive attending a wedding even as a normal guest. I have been a moh in the last few years and it cost well over £500. If I was asked again I'd probably have to decline!

Oh totally, her wedding cost me the guts of £1000 but I still gave a monetary gift. Where we are from EVERYONE gifts money in a card. It’s the done thing.

I probably would have been happy with a £10 in the card or even just a card.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCheeryOrca · 01/07/2024 21:49

MavisPennies · 01/07/2024 21:44

Is she just insanely scatty?

I did think this haha. But surely you’d remember you had a card with money in it lying around the house

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 01/07/2024 21:52

She sounds scatty - someone with good intentions but not always organised enough to see them through. If she's a good friend in other ways, and she supported you on your wedding day, I wouldn't give the lack of a card another thought.

Anabella321 · 01/07/2024 21:52

My brother and SIL are like this. I've gotten them and their children presents for all their occasions. They don't ever reciprocate. No presents when my children were born (despite them telling me that they had bought it and what it was), my wedding or Christmas.

I'm stopping this year. The kids will get cards and token presents but I'm done with their nonsense. I think by telling me what they'd intended to get me they consider it as good as done?

Jamieie · 01/07/2024 21:56

She sounds scatty. But yeah even though you paid for everything, did she colour her hair, pay for her nails, tan, any items of clothing, drinks at the wedding, babysitter, travel costs, time off work, any costs at all? I wouldn't sweat it. She prob done plenty for you that day and in the build up.

IDontHateRainbows · 01/07/2024 21:56

DHs cousin actually gave us a card with IOU £50 scribbled in. Said £50 still hadn't materialized 8 years later. We only see him infrequently and I often wonder what would happen if we asked for it!

RosesAndHellebores · 01/07/2024 21:57

I suspect she's stingy. Just stop reciprocating.

Rosaofthevalley · 01/07/2024 21:57

You shouldn’t expect gifts. If you get them then that’s a nice bonus. Be happy with their company.
I know a lot of people don’t agree but I’m really not fussed about receiving gifts or cards. I like giving them but wouldn’t want to feel pressured by it being the done thing.

ellecf21 · 01/07/2024 22:00

I think it's weird that she is always saying she is going to buy this and that and then it never happens. I don't like that trait in people personally, and I'd feel miffed in this situ. It's definitely the done thing to give a wedding gift or contribution to honeymoon etc. where I am. If someone can't afford anything a card is the least they can do IMO.

Thetroutofnocraic1 · 01/07/2024 22:01

Gosh who cares , forget about it ! Money isn’t everything. Some of my best friends didn’t give me any gift for my wedding. I was glad they attended and didn’t care as I didn’t expect one. Having said that my wedding was abroad , but I would be the same if it wasn’t.

BeanCountingContinues · 01/07/2024 22:05

When people say this stuff, like "I'll do XYZ for you", the reaction they get is a positive one, e.g. "Oh thanks, that would be great" or similar.

It is a way of getting the lovely reaction without actually costing themselves in time or money or thought.
It is a form of scamming or cheating or conning - getting the thanks in advance but doing nothing.
A very off-putting trait.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/07/2024 22:06

She's not scatty, she's a tight-arse.

ForGreyKoala · 01/07/2024 22:11

I don't "expect" a gift from anyone, and I choose to have friends for many reasons - gift giving isn't one of them.

I would far rather have friend who didn't give a gift than one who wrote a post on MN moaning about not being given one!

Callipygion · 01/07/2024 22:24

Rosaofthevalley · 01/07/2024 21:57

You shouldn’t expect gifts. If you get them then that’s a nice bonus. Be happy with their company.
I know a lot of people don’t agree but I’m really not fussed about receiving gifts or cards. I like giving them but wouldn’t want to feel pressured by it being the done thing.

It’s not the not giving gifts she is particularly bothered about (in my opinion) it’s the fact that, on what seems to be numerous occasions, she’s said she’s got one for her but it never materialises.

You should take a leaf out of her book OP and try the same trick on her in future.

justasmalltownmum · 01/07/2024 22:38

I know someone like this. They are tight.

Wexone · 01/07/2024 22:42

NorthernGirlie · 01/07/2024 21:38

It usually costs £££ to be a MoH (hen do, shoes, make up, hair, hotel stay...)

She's probably shelled out quite a lot without a gift!

I paid for everything dress hair make up shoes for my bridesmaid plus one nights accommodation. hen night was not that expensive. i made sure of that local hen no flights etc
your friend sounds like one of my husbands friends always says he will pay x y z but we all know he hasn't got a bean. unless she has other traits you like I would reduce contact it's never going to happen

Laserwho · 01/07/2024 22:43

When I got married a bought a gift for my bridesmaids to thank them. Did you do this?