Best friend and maid of honour didn’t give gift

[MyCheeryOrca]

I got married last year and had my best friend as my maid of honour. Where I am from you gift money in a card as a wedding gift, usually to cover the cost of your meal etc. although it’s not expected, it is the done thing. There were a handful of people who didn’t gift anything and they did not bother me at all, so I don’t know why I’m feeling so miffed about MOH and partner not gifting anything. At first I assumed the card got lost and didn’t say anything. Then a few weeks after the wedding she said oh I have your card there I must drop it up. That was a year ago. No mention of it since,
she got married recently and before the wedding she had mentioned she was paying for one night in the hotel for bridesmaids because she was asking us to come to the hotel the night before and to stay the night after (3 nights in total) this also never materialised, I paid for the full stay myself (which is fine as I was planning to before she mentioned it) but why say it at all? She then mentioned that she had paid half of the photographers stay because she came the night before.
i also had a baby in the last year and she hasn’t sent a gift even though she said she had one there for her. Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way?
Just to clarify I don’t care about paying for the hotel for her wedding but it kind of bugged me that she said they would pay for one night. Why say anything at all?

Maybe she has money worries you know nothing about , maybe she would love to do these things but there is more month than pay left each month. Just because your friends doesn’t mean she would tell you this. It all sounds very expensive between her wedding and yours.

I didn’t think MOH/bridesmaids gave a gift.

Being your attendant and assisting you is kinda their gift.

When I've been a bridesmaid I was given a gift by the couple not the other way round. Its a lot of work, time and expense.

This. Bridesmaids/groomsmen generally don’t give wedding presents. DH’s niece is getting married tomorrow and I know, because I was sitting with them at a barbecue at the weekend, that none of the six groomsmen are giving presents.

I’d agree with MOH and bridesmaids not giving gifts. You normally gift them to say thank you for a good job.

However the “oh I’ve got this amazing gift” comments and then the gifts never appearing is a personality type, as shown on this thread. I have a friend like this. 40th birthday, gushing text about the amazing present she bought me and she’d post/give next time we met up. Never appeared. Has done this repeatedly over the years. I know to say “sure” and move on the conversation. I have no idea why she does it, but she’s great in every other way so I just shrug it off.

I agree. Quite a few people at my wedding didn’t bring a gift but they all gave up time and money to travel to be there.

I do however think everyone should give a card, it is a small guesture that shows you are thinking of them.

I suspect if you stand back and watch her behaviours for a bit you'll realise that she is as tight as a ducks backside.

Is this a cultural difference? When I was MOH many years ago I was given a small gift by the bride. My family gave a wedding present to the bride and groom. But there was no giving money in a card.

Wouldn't bother me. I have shelled out thousands attending hens and weddings but am not married myself. I find all the grabby aspects of weddings a total put off. It's all so me me me

She has probably given you hours and hours of her time, what more do you expect?

Could be a cultural difference? Where I am from we also give money in card, basically/roughly what the meal would have cost per person. But you seldom see bridesmaids, it isn´t a thing. Flowergirls at a max. Could this be the same in your case and you don´t know that bridesmaids don´t buy gifts/give money in the U.K?

I'm assuming you're Irish- it is a pretty major faux pas to not give a gift at a wedding in Ireland, doesn't seem to be as big a deal in UK

I don't think you are unreasonable.

People are saying that weddings are expensive to attend, especially as part of the wedding party, but you've quite clearly stated that you paid for everything so this is a non-argument.

Also that it's etiquette for the bride to give the wedding party a gift rather than the other way around. I'm not sure why on earth you would do that when you've already paid for a meal, outfit and hotel for them so they've effectively had the whole thing for free as a good night out. So again a non-argument IMO.

I find this idea of giving money as a wedding present to "cover the cost of the meal" bizarre. I've seen it a few times on here- is that how it works?

Maybe you should appreciate people being there for you and not expecting anything just because it’s the ‘done thing’
The fact this happened a year ago and it’s still bothering you is saying a lot more about you than your friend

The whole idea of wedding gifts needs to die out. Weddings are no longer for couples setting up their first home and most of them cost the guests £££ to attend.

It’s certainly the tradition in my culture for wedding party to give gifts. Used to be tradition for MOH to give “ wedding “ China. They also get hair / makeup, outfit paid by bride and all hens share cost of hen. This one sounds plain stingy

I didn't get a gift from either of mine and would never have expected them to to, jesus why are some women so fucking entitled and precious.

I am going out on a limb and say this is ireland.

If so i understand why you said nothing about the room.

It's pretty unusual tbh although there is always someone who wont put their hamd in their pocket and Some people are funny / tight with money and perceive it in strange ways.

I'd try to ignore it and avoid going to expensive bars or restaurants with her focus on the friendship

YANBU. Stingy and lazy.

How much did the night in the hotel cost her? How much would her travel be? Did she have to take annual leave? Did she contribute to covering your costs on the hen? How much did the hen cost her.

I wouldn't expect a gift from a MOH but I wouldn't like her saying she was going to give you something then not giving it to you.

Do you know if your friend is concerned about money? Attending a wedding and then having your own wedding, sounds like an expensive time to me. You don’t seem concerned and still did what you think is right, but maybe she is more affected or worried, than you are? Saying that she will do this and that, maybe suggests that she feels awkward?

My MOH bought her own dress (beautiful, elegant long dress in dusty pink silk) with matching shoes and a miniature pink rose hair circlet. I never even thought about receiving a gift from her nor did I give her one. I guess we should have, now I read this.

My husbands brother (and best man) didn't give us anything either. He didn't have to travel for it and because we were doing regular suits for it, he also got a brand new very nice suit, shirt, tie, etc paid for. He also gave a crap speech and didn't organise a stag or anything. So he did very very well out of the whole thing! Infuriating but very much in character. One of the groomsmen wore his own suit and gave a gift of 500 euro, and this was nearly 20 years ago.

Can’t believe you’re still upset so long later, wow. This wouldn’t even cross my mind, she’s done so much being your moh