Best friend and maid of honour didn’t give gift

[MyCheeryOrca]

I got married last year and had my best friend as my maid of honour. Where I am from you gift money in a card as a wedding gift, usually to cover the cost of your meal etc. although it’s not expected, it is the done thing. There were a handful of people who didn’t gift anything and they did not bother me at all, so I don’t know why I’m feeling so miffed about MOH and partner not gifting anything. At first I assumed the card got lost and didn’t say anything. Then a few weeks after the wedding she said oh I have your card there I must drop it up. That was a year ago. No mention of it since,
she got married recently and before the wedding she had mentioned she was paying for one night in the hotel for bridesmaids because she was asking us to come to the hotel the night before and to stay the night after (3 nights in total) this also never materialised, I paid for the full stay myself (which is fine as I was planning to before she mentioned it) but why say it at all? She then mentioned that she had paid half of the photographers stay because she came the night before.
i also had a baby in the last year and she hasn’t sent a gift even though she said she had one there for her. Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way?
Just to clarify I don’t care about paying for the hotel for her wedding but it kind of bugged me that she said they would pay for one night. Why say anything at all?

My In laws are like this. One Bil and Sil got married before us and we spent in the region of £200 on their gifts with a lot of thought and they loved them. At the time we didn't have much money but we saved up to get them as we love them.

2 years later we got married and we didn't get a card, let alone a gift from either. It felt like a snub they couldn't be bothered to get a card. My mil eventually said oh both sibling couples were going to club together to get you a kitchen appliance but you need to let them know which one you want. It was strange as we didn't want or need this kitchen appliance and Needless to say nothing ever materialised.

Other in laws got married and again we got a lovely gift and topped up with cash. Not even a thank you. They also left their our kids out of the bridal party but had their other nephews etc.

We then realised neither couple really cared. Never bothered with our kids but expect us to bother with theirs. Unfortunately I think some people are like this and you accept it and move on, whilst disappointed or you distance from them. Unfortunately some people are just this way.

I could have written this post! Plus he and his partner are never getting married because they are too tight lol!

I thought it was the bride who bought gifts for her friends who supported her. Why would the bridal party give gifts when they did all the work?

Why on earth did you give her a cash gift when she got you fuck all for your wedding?!

This was the BEST opportunity not to get her anything.

What work?

Well indeed. I've only been a bridesmaid once but it was lovely. I got my hair and makeup done, got a lovely dress and shoes (to keep) and was delighted to spend the day with my bestie on this big day in her life. The only 'work' involved was having a sense of obligation to be very sociable and get the party started/going. But that was hardly a hardship, I always feel that way at a friends wedding! And I absolutely bought her a gift, as did she when she was my bridesmaid.

Gifting is a minefield. Any gift comes with expectations and obligations in tow, and then you need to reciprocate, and then the other person reciprocates and so on. It never ends.
FWIW I've learned to let it go. If I see something I think someone would like, at any time, I'll get it. Otherwise I just don't bother any more, and I never expect anything.

Where I’m from we pay for the MOH and bridesmaids dresses and any other costs they may incur ourselves, so it doesn’t feel like we’re asking them to do us a favour and then punishing them for it by making them pay “the guts of £1000.”
I always thought it was the thought that counts. You asked her to be your maid of honour - she was your maid of honour.
Do you have any complaints about her other than the fact that she didn’t give you a monitary gift? Was she a good MOH? Did she carry out her duties? Did she smile? Nod along? Did she meet your expectations of a MOH?
I somehow don’t think £10 in a card would’ve made you happy. Have you asked her if she was unhappy or uncomfortable for any reason or have you been completely focused on yourself?

I didn’t give my best friend or brother wedding gifts. Couldn’t afford it but they would never ever have known that. Getting to their wedding etc BROKE us- we couldn’t pay bills that month and were behind for months after. I did what your friend did and kept telling them I’d forgotten it etc etc while planning on coming up with the money. I never did but made it up to them years later with huge eg birthday presents etc.

THIS.

Simplest way is to accept friends for how they are, enjoy their company and mirror their spending behaviour. You have no expectations then and do not feel hard done by.

You have a baby and XYZ buy gifts, reciprocate. If ABC did not buy gifts, but came to visit baby enjoy their company but again reciprocation - go visit but no gifts back if they have kids.

If you are naturally generous, happy to pay for lunch etc when meeting, for the stingy ones who never reciprocate you could always split the bill or make clear you each pay your way.

I was moh and the bride didn't want me in a traditional dress so I Just wore heels and a dress, purchased by myself. Did my own hair and make up. Still bought a wedding present.

Oh I did receive a lovely gift too as a Thank you.

I have a friend who I know was a bit miffed I didn't get her a monetary gift for her wedding (I was a bridesmaid). However, it had cost me a small fortune to fly half way across the world (guests paid for their own flights/accommodation/food) and it was literally just a wedding. No wedding breakfast or drinks or anything. I also paid for bits and bobs like the traditional something borrowed/something blue etc. I wouldn't have expected anything else gift wise if that was my wedding!

I don't get this obsession with gifts, we put the word out we didn't wants gifts, we got a few and said thank you but that was it, no we never kept count because we were not 6

Assuming this is Ireland, yes it isn't the done thing to not give a cash gift. I don't think you're BU, but not sure what you can do about it now, other than take a step back if you feel this has changed how you see her.

Hi OP I've been there and I found it upsetting. It was mainly the feeling that this is one of the biggest days of your life, that you can never get back or have again, and they can't be bothered to write a card to mark the occasion.

I wouldn’t overthink it, the wedding was last year. Just forget about it.

People really don’t appreciate the time, effort, expense to be a bridesmaid or MOH. To expect a gift as well is too far in my opinion, even if it is a really close friend. Surely them being there and supporting you on your day is enough.