Am I missing something here?

[unknown01]

My husband and I have 2 baby girls together, a 2yo and a 2mo. Before getting pregnant with our first, I was in nursing school. Took a break until I felt confident enough to be able to balance motherhood, family, working, and nursing school all together.

We rely on his mom and sister for childcare. Not long after having our first, I got a management job offer - I talked it over with everyone to see if the hours required would work with everyone else's schedules. We made it work, the only thing is, I had agreed to pick up his mom from work in the mornings (7am) and/or dropping her off (3pm or 11pm) along with working my regular work schedule, being a present mom to my own kids, and trying to get our own household chores done. My husband works a regular 9-5 Mon-Fri.

I left the manager position after 1 year, and am now back to a schedule that is subject to change from week to week in order for me to meet my needed number of hours per week. I am still able to pick up his mom from work most mornings, but I am unable to drop her off.

Now that we have 2 babies, I'm unable to work early mornings or nights because that leaves DH alone with both of them until his mom/sister can watch them.

*he claims he can't get her in the morning because he'll be too tired at work (despite the fact that there are days where I pick her up and then go to work right after)
*he says he needs 1hr after work everyday to decompress from "dealing with idiots all day long"
*he needs Saturdays to himself to decompress after the work week of working 5 days straight (I don't work Tuesdays to make sure I can bring the kids to doctor's appointments and myself, I don't work Saturdays so he's able to get his free time)

I've been looking around for a new job that pays more so I can hopefully work less hours and make roughly the same amount I do now, but the only jobs where I can do that and still have a reasonable work/life balance are outside of his mom's work schedule, which wouldn't work with our childcare situation.

My issue is:
*everyone wants me to go back and finish nursing school, but my limitations make it practically impossible
**more than likely I'd be working early mornings and then going to school into late at night without much time to spend with my kids or do anything at home
**I have told my husband multiple times I can't work full time, do everything at home and be there for everyone, study the way I need to, go to clinicals, and take exams successfully to pass nursing school
**I already can't work certain hours of the day due to our childcare situation, so that makes working and going to nursing school/clinicals nearly impossible
**say I do get my nursing degree, the hours that nurses work would ALL be outside of my availability because of our situation

His sister doesn't work and isn't in school. His mom works 3 doubles and a single shift almost every week. My mom can't help much because she'd be occupied with my little brother (10yo) during the hours we'd need her help. Before anything, his mom OFFERED to watch the babies, even knowing her own schedule. She preferred to watch them over us put them in daycare.

So, I'm looking for a higher paying job, but the ones that get back to me are outside of my needed availability of picking up/dropping off his mom, or do work for him. Him and his mom are adamant about me finishing nursing school, but if I follow through, it's as if neither can watch the babies while I work because my work schedule wouldn't work with theirs.

Am I missing something here?

Your husband is selfish. He doesn't 'need' an hour after work every day. He doesn't 'need' Saturdays to decompress. Of course he could give his mum lifts if he wanted to. He's just choosing not to.

Why can't he look after both children on his own?

You need to pay for childcare that suits you.

I'm unable to work early mornings or nights because that leaves DH alone with both of them

And?? I had 2 under 2, I didn't demand that DH quits his job.

So many questions...

Why do you tolerate such a lazy twat?

Why doesnt his mum make her own way home from work?

Now that we have 2 babies, I'm unable to work early mornings or nights because that leaves DH alone with both of them until his mom/sister can watch them.

@unknown01

Eh? What do you mean?

he needs Saturdays to himself to decompress after the work week of working 5 days straight

Aww the poor thing. Again, most parents of a toddler and a baby will certainly not get a day to themselves. I bet he claims you get a day 'off' so it's only fair - I also bet that you spend yours cleaning while looking after DC, while he does fuck all. Right?

Your husband is pathetic. Hopeless and helpless. Everyone finds it tough looking after two babies but they get on with it. He has to try harder.

Your husband needs to step up - when he comes home from work being with his children will help him ‘decompress’ - something different to take his mind off the day

We still have men who don’t get that life changes dramatically when children come along
I hope you sort it out

What you’re missing is an actual competent grown up as a partner. What kind of idiot thinks they get all this time to “decompress” from a 9-5 job when they have two very small children? Or can’t handle both their own children at once?

Split up with him, forget about running around after his relatives, get a job with ordinary hours and utilise ordinary childcare.

Now that we have 2 babies, I'm unable to work early mornings or nights because that leaves DH alone with both of them

What? Millions of mums parents manage 2 children on their own every day. Why can't your husband manage that?

Your husband is unbelievable. What's the point of him?

It seems like a lot of people have a lot of opinions about what you should be doing but they aren't listening to what you need.

If YOU want to finish nursing school (not because someone else wants you to), you need to put your kids in day care and get on with it.

I'd seriously consider leaving your husband.

1. before, he used to REALLY demand he get an hour to himself after work, but he says that over time, he kind of "gave up" on it (but I disagree solely because he comes home, goes to the bathroom for 20-30mins, and then goes to play games or lay down, and then will only come back downstairs to either eat or go to the bathroom, and he can't do either with a baby)
2. because he gets too overwhelmed and then starts taking his frustrations out on me, his mom, and even starts getting louder with our toddler, and then says he needs a "break" after dealing with both of them at once
3. I gave up asking him to help me with getting his mom in the morning because he always just goes back to "you made that agreement with her, you can't make an agreement and then go back on it"

I'm looking, but the waitlists are at least a year long

Your dh sounds like an absolute waste of space.

An utter man-child.

Why on earth are you still with him?

He just wants my schedule to work for everyone in the house. It just kind of sucks because, I make more money than him just being at my current job, but my variable hours would seemingly stress out anyone who has to care for my kids with their own FT job. And that's why I told them both I can't go back to nursing school and/or become a nurse if my required availability wouldn't work for anyone to watch my kids

Idk if he's lazy or trying to make me stick to my word of agreeing to pick her up/drop her off in exchange for childcare. Cabs/ubers/lyfts are all hard to come by where we live

The MIL is not your issue. A handful of lifts a week in exchange for multiple days of childcare a week on a regular basis sounds like a fine trade.
Your problem is your husband and yet you chose to have another baby with someone who couldn’t be an active parent to one.

OMG woman no. Your DH is a waste of space if can't handle his own children even for a short time. And you already make more money. Lose the husband, not the job. Plenty of people manage to work full time and take care of their children, without taking days of me-time either.

Could you afford childcare? It doesn't matter what your MIL prefers, if the conditions she puts on her help aren't reasonable (and I don't think they are), then you will better off with nursery or childminder.

I do agree with other posters that your main issue is with your husband though...

Essentially. And I broke it down to him that my "day off" isn't really one. I run errands, pick up AND drop off his mom, cook, clean up after babies, baths, appointments, etc. His argument is "well, you get to sleep in if you want to", not if I'm waking up at 6:30am to get his mom at 7am. From then on, I'm up. He sleeps in on Tuesdays because his work day is pushed by an hour. Saturdays, to avoid asking him for any type of help (because he sounds annoyed when I do), I just take the kids out for the day by myself. I told him I don't have scheduled personal time, and he said "we can figure that out for you". But we didn't have to figure personal time for him, he just took it

What an absolute mess! Tell me OP, knowing how weak and feeble your DH was, why on earth did you have a second baby with him? He must have shown signs of being completely useless after you'd had the first baby, so why didn't you take that as a warning? I'm afraid it makes me really mad the number of times I read on MN that women have got themselves lumbered with useless men, who if left alone are seemingly incapable of wiping their own arse, and yet they go on to have children with them. OK, you may not have realised how useless he was until you'd had the first baby, but come on, having a second one???

My verdict? Dump him, and his useless family, and then put your children in paid care, while you go on to do the training you need. This set up is NEVER going to work to YOUR advantage OP. They're all too bloody selfish!

agreements around things like picking up his mum for childcare are the kind of agreement that work for a year (max), not forever.

now there is a new baby and potentially a new job for you, the scheduling situation has changed. He will have to accept that you need to re-visit the current pickup arrangement and do something different. And that will probably involve him doing more childcare and/or more pickups. because that is part of being a parent and working in a partnership.

Oh he's very lazy.

Why doesnt he consider childcare his responsibility?

They are his children aren't they?

Do you live with his Mum?

His sister doesn’t work and would be able to be your child carer? You and DH employ her to do that.
And your DH pulls his finger out and does his share.

Question for you OP:
Do you want to complete your nursing course?
From your post, it sounds like you wanted to do it pre-DD1, but it's not clear to me whether you would want to do it now.
It's fine if you do, and it's also fine if your desires have changed. But you shouldn't consider doing a course and career change because other people want it.

If you do want to do it, that's when you need to work out timings, childcare, finances etc. but don't get caught up in a fight for this if it's not the right thing for you now.