Am I missing something here?

[unknown01]

My husband and I have 2 baby girls together, a 2yo and a 2mo. Before getting pregnant with our first, I was in nursing school. Took a break until I felt confident enough to be able to balance motherhood, family, working, and nursing school all together.

We rely on his mom and sister for childcare. Not long after having our first, I got a management job offer - I talked it over with everyone to see if the hours required would work with everyone else's schedules. We made it work, the only thing is, I had agreed to pick up his mom from work in the mornings (7am) and/or dropping her off (3pm or 11pm) along with working my regular work schedule, being a present mom to my own kids, and trying to get our own household chores done. My husband works a regular 9-5 Mon-Fri.

I left the manager position after 1 year, and am now back to a schedule that is subject to change from week to week in order for me to meet my needed number of hours per week. I am still able to pick up his mom from work most mornings, but I am unable to drop her off.

Now that we have 2 babies, I'm unable to work early mornings or nights because that leaves DH alone with both of them until his mom/sister can watch them.

*he claims he can't get her in the morning because he'll be too tired at work (despite the fact that there are days where I pick her up and then go to work right after)
*he says he needs 1hr after work everyday to decompress from "dealing with idiots all day long"
*he needs Saturdays to himself to decompress after the work week of working 5 days straight (I don't work Tuesdays to make sure I can bring the kids to doctor's appointments and myself, I don't work Saturdays so he's able to get his free time)

I've been looking around for a new job that pays more so I can hopefully work less hours and make roughly the same amount I do now, but the only jobs where I can do that and still have a reasonable work/life balance are outside of his mom's work schedule, which wouldn't work with our childcare situation.

My issue is:
*everyone wants me to go back and finish nursing school, but my limitations make it practically impossible
**more than likely I'd be working early mornings and then going to school into late at night without much time to spend with my kids or do anything at home
**I have told my husband multiple times I can't work full time, do everything at home and be there for everyone, study the way I need to, go to clinicals, and take exams successfully to pass nursing school
**I already can't work certain hours of the day due to our childcare situation, so that makes working and going to nursing school/clinicals nearly impossible
**say I do get my nursing degree, the hours that nurses work would ALL be outside of my availability because of our situation

His sister doesn't work and isn't in school. His mom works 3 doubles and a single shift almost every week. My mom can't help much because she'd be occupied with my little brother (10yo) during the hours we'd need her help. Before anything, his mom OFFERED to watch the babies, even knowing her own schedule. She preferred to watch them over us put them in daycare.

So, I'm looking for a higher paying job, but the ones that get back to me are outside of my needed availability of picking up/dropping off his mom, or do work for him. Him and his mom are adamant about me finishing nursing school, but if I follow through, it's as if neither can watch the babies while I work because my work schedule wouldn't work with theirs.

Am I missing something here?

1. maybe because I agreed to pick her up/drop her off in exchange for childcare while I worked certain hours?
2. yes, they are his kids
3. yes, we all live in the same house

I know - he's lazy

christ your husband sounds pathetic I honestly don’t know how or why you put up with him. I’m pretty sure your life would be infinitely easier without him, no more MIL to run around after as hell inevitably run back to her unable to fend for himself then you’d have no more tiptoeing around on a Saturday whilst he lies in, no more cooking or cleaning up after him (because I assume he does nothing around the house). Honestly OP, what does he bring to the table?

As much as I appreciate his sister for watching one of them for like 1-2 hours, she's not really a good option. They might go hours without eating, they nap too long/late or not at all, or they have blowouts in their diapers. And then if I ask when they last ate or had a diaper change, she can never tell me, so that's the only reason why I'm not a fan of asking her for childcare help

But they are your shared children. You are jointly responsible for their care.

He is equally responsible.

That means participating in the lifts/childcare/payments/arrangements.

Have you considered leaving him? The whole set up sounds horrific.

Your husband should never have had children, he clearly doesn't want to be a parent as he's acting more like an uncle with zero responsibility towards these children.

He's a selfish prick who has no respect for you. Where's your 1 day a week to do fuck all? Where's your 1 hour a day? Where's your servant to do all the chores and running around? His life hasn't changed at all since having kids. He's pathetic.

Re your latest update about childcare - but what did he do about arranging childcare? They are both your children and therefore you should be jointly responsible for childcare. So what if you had the conversation and so what if things need to change - that’s life and he needs to suck it up. Please believe us op, he is a lazy fucker and ‘making you stick to your word’ is him being an arsehole and trying to keep you compliant as the alternative involves effort on his behalf.

Your husband is a waste of space. I need an hour to decompress after having the kids all day and my husband takes them as soon as he gets home from work. He doesn't need a whole day to himself every fucking Saturday. You do because you are already working two full time jobs in your paid employment and then doing everything at home plus apparently you are supposed to be his mums part time chauffeur as well. He is so selfish and inconsiderate towards you it's giving me the rage. What a selfish entitled tosser. Another man who apparently thing having a paid job gets them off any kind of household labour in relation to kids that they fathered. Please follow Zawn if you don't already. She says that this kind of gross domestic inequality is a form of abuse, and I agree with her.

I want to, I really do, but with my current arrangements, it feels nearly impossible. I would be gone almost all day at work and school. I'd be home for maybe an hour before having to go to either work or school. I bathe the kids, and his mom is the only other person in the house who will take it upon herself to bathe the kids if I'm not home or unable to do so. I'm also breastfeeding, and the baby doesn't take well to bottles, doesn't like pacifiers, and cries more than the toddler ever did, and no one else can calm her down easily enough, so they get stressed.

Going back to nursing school, I'd feel like an absent mom, always tired, and lacking patience if I'm tired, overwhelmed, and/or stressed.

I tried to just finish my associates in liberal arts last year and that was a waste because I couldn't rely on ANYONE, who agreed to watch the babies while I do schoolwork late at night, to actually watch them. They would just keep coming to me to ask when I'd be done, or begging me to take them, or the baby screaming and crying for me, only for me to be unable to finish my schoolwork.

But the childcare itself isn’t only your responsibility no matter who is picking your mil up, she’s not doing only you a favour- the children are equally his responsibility.

Something that one has mentioned... you're working now? And your baby is 2 months old?? Who's idea is that?

Also, I think you'd be better off on your own!

@memememe Im guessing from the language used op is in the US where there is no maternity pay. Although I’d also not be surprised if her OH has insisted or withheld money so she had no choice - he sounds the type.

No, not working yet, still on maternity leave. But I've been applying to different jobs in hopes of finding a better paying one before I'm due to go back to my current.

Given she’s talking about diapers and liberal arts courses I’m assuming OP is American where this is considered normal.

So, I was the one who suggested we keep our finances separate, outside of our kids of course, solely because I know how he spends money, and I'm not the type to spend money like that, the same way I save and manage my money in a way that always works for me

Why are you living with his mum? It all sounds horribly enmeshed. You seem to have a load of people telling you what to do or that you have to do things for. Your priority should be your children.

Any man who lives with his mummy is usually a waste of space. Find your own place (with or without your lazy partner) and focus on your children and what you want to do, not what everyone is telling you to do or thinks you should do.

Are these not his kids too? Why is the deal you made with his mum regarding childcare YOUR deal and not both of your deal?
You are married to a selfish man-baby.

Why are you living with his mum? It all sounds horribly enmeshed.

This! And to have another baby whilst living with your mother in law sounds even more enmeshed. Are you living in her house, @unknown01 ?

I'm really only worried about that because he's said before that he would obviously fight for 50/50 custody, but I'd feel some type of way if my kids aren't getting cared for the way I would care for them. Not to mention I feel like he'll just rely on his mom/sister to take care of them so he can work, eat, sleep, play video games, etc.

OP you sound exhausted and reading your posts is just frustrating

I have a (loud and feral!) 2 year old and a 4 year old. This is how our conversations go on childcare and giving each other time

Me: Kayla has just text to see if I'm around for dinner on Tuesday
DH: Tuesday? I don't have any plans, shall I pick up the kids and you can just go out straight from work?
Me: Sounds like a plan!

DH: My parents are away next week when they usually have the kids
Me: Ooof, what shall we do?
DH: I'll buzz the nursery and book them in for an extra day
Me: Great!

Friday night. Me: This weeks been rubbish!
DH: oh dear. Do you want to take the lie in tomorrow? I'll get the kids up and take them to the park first thing
Me: That would be amazing. I'll get them up Sunday so you can have one too and take them to soft play

The above is a give and take parenting relationship where both carry the load

You need to stop finding a way to accommodate and enable this useless twat of a man

I’ll add that you sound like a very smart, together, capeable, driven, absolute HERO of a mother and an all round 10/10 woman. You’re even spending time with a 2 month old looking for a better job. You deserve a partner that lifts you up and supports you, not one that is inflexible and has this “I need my time” attitude. He needs to step up his game massively to be worthy of you.

Will fight for 50/50 when he isn’t doing 1/99??? And his mother and sister are unavailable/ useless? It won’t even take him a week to realise he can’t pull it off and drop the rope. Just leave his ass- at least you’ll know you have 2 not 3 kids

You’re married to a lazy arsehole.

ditch him, let him have the kids 50/50 (god he’s in for a fucking culture shock) and go back to nursing school.

you aren’t a slave just because you’re a woman and a mum. He’s treating you like one. Fuck him.

50/50!!! Are you sure?

Who would care for the children? Pay for childcare? Who would pick his mum up from work?

How the fuck would he cope woth 50/50 child care? Call his bluff op. Wanker.