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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my hubby is insisting I go back to work full time even though ...

194 replies

Willowwisp · 10/04/2008 11:11

We could manage me doing 4 days compressed into 3 with strict budgeting and if he went to the CSA again to get the 1/3 for OUR daughter taken from his salary?

Ok long story cut short coming up .... Hubby has ex-wife, has two children who I adore and get on famously with. Ex-wife is a complete loony who has made our lives, particularly mine a misery since we got together (they were split 3 years before we met). She thinks he is a personal bank for her to delve into when she see's fit, he has always paid for his children, never missed payments and pays half for everything, but she still wants more!

When we met he paid an outrageous amount of money to her (over £600), we wanted to get married, get mortgage, have a family of our own etc and he asked her to reduce money by £100, she said no (blamed me, she refers to me as the 'bitch' to his kids) so he went to the CSA and they reduced it for us, which was fair according to his salary.

We now have a daughter (8 mths) and I'm due to go back to work in 8 weeks, I can't bear the thought of it but know I have to, I want to go back part-time and he is insisting 'I have to get my head around full time' as we can't manage financially. Ex knows we could go to the CSA to get the other 1/3 taken of his salary for OUR daughter so she has been Mrs Nice since DD was born, calling him mate, sending pleasant text and it really fecks me off! He forgets that last year she told his kids he was a shit Dad!

He point blankly refuses to approach the CSA to see about getting the 1/3 taken off his salary, ex has massive 4 bed house, convertible car, works part time and lives a life of luxury, BUT I'm expected to struggle through. He say WE will have to cut down and DD doesn't need all the nice things I think she should have, like his kids do!

So AIBU to think my DH is being unreasonable in expecting ME to finance his ex-wifes luxury lifestyle and miss the most precious days of my daughters life to a CM?? all because he says we can't manage, when he knows what has to be done!

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 10/04/2008 11:13

No experience, but can you contact the CSA yourself and let them know your changed circumstances.

Seems unfair otherwise.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 11:13

Do you mean getting 1/3 taken off the amount that you give to his ex wife?

Original poster
Willowwisp · 10/04/2008 11:16

No apparently a 1/3 gets taken off his salary and then she gets 20% of whats left, so she will still get a good amount. I would never see his kids go without but I think it has be fair with our DD to?

I can't approach the CSA HE has to do it, and he won't!

Argghhhhhh!!!!!

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 10/04/2008 11:18

What, when you have a child the CSA leave 1/3 of the alary untouched?
But he is refusing to get this put in place?

anniemac · 10/04/2008 11:18

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2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 11:18

Or is it that now that you have your own daughter, the amount from his salary that they use to calculate how much he should give his ex is reduced by a third? Sorry, I don't have experience so am not sure!

But if it is that, then I do think that it's fair that he notify the CSA. As long as he pays what is fair for his children then I don't see the problem.

You have chosen to marry a good man who wants to do right by his children, and it's great that you have a good relationship with them. But I don't think you need to fund her luxurious lifestyle,as long as the kids have what they need and as long as she doesn't spend what is meant for the kids on herself, then comes looking for more money for their shoes.

mumblechum · 10/04/2008 11:19

Remember that the CSA will first take only 15% off his net, then will take 20% of what's left after that to pay his first 2 kids.

Although you're clearly upset by what you view as his ex's luxury lifestyle, the real question is whether you can work 4 days a week rather than the 5.

I don't think you can ask the CSA to reassess, only your dh can do that. I suggest you do the maths (15%, remember not one third!) and if it'll really make the difference between you working part or full time (taking into account childcare costs), then YANBU in pressuring your dh to ask for a reassesment.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 11:20

Why won't he do it?

windygalestoday · 10/04/2008 11:20

i think hes duty bound to report ny changes isnt he??
its sad i can see he wants to keep it amicable but at huge cost to you- i think you need to be v updront and say that if you and he divorced then you would get that money anyway why would he take of 1 daughter his youngest to give to the older children?

nappyaddict · 10/04/2008 11:21

he can't make you go back. just tell him you're going back part time end of.

Monkeybird · 10/04/2008 11:22

I'm not sure I get the logic that his previous children should get less now... Whatever you think about his wife, surely a fair settlement for all the children means they should have a reasonably equal lifestyle?

anniemac · 10/04/2008 11:23

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oranges · 10/04/2008 11:24

It's a bit tough for his other children though - you have a good relationship, and won't your dd benefit from that too?

anniemac · 10/04/2008 11:25

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Message withdrawn

throckenholt · 10/04/2008 11:26

I have no experience of csa etc so can't comment on that. What I will say is if there is any way I could avoid it I would never go back to working full time when I had young kids. For so many reasons - not least because you just don't get the time to be with them - and when you are unless you are very very organised you spend all your time rushing to get them ready to go out or go to bed.

JeremyVile · 10/04/2008 11:27

Of course maintenance needs to be readjusted when a new baby comes along.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 11:33

How old are the other children? Why can't ex w work more like he's expecting you to?

blueshoes · 10/04/2008 11:39

Willow, apart from reducing his other dcs' payments, is it possible your dh does not fancy living with strict budgeting either, to finance your dropping a days' work?

Do you intend for this arrangement to be permanent or only when your dd is pre-school? What if you decide to have more children together?

sitdownpleasegeorge · 10/04/2008 11:40

Could you not tackle if from the point of view that ex works part-time (and therefore spends more time with his/her children) and you are only trying to ensure that his new daughter gets as much time as possible with her parents too.

You both knew however that the money would have to stretch further if you had kids together, was it not discussed before you took the plunge? Marrying someone who is already supporting an ex undoubtedly puts pressure on the second marriage financially and you knew this when you married him, a baby of your own doesn't boot the other kids down the priorities list if he is a good father and he sounds like a good father. Money can't buy that so if you have to work full-time be grateful that he is a good dad to all of his children instead of resentful of the first brood neeeding to be fed and clothed.

On the other hand, it need not be tough for the other kids financially if the ex-wife increases her part-time hours, she too must have realised that one day she might have to as her ex-h may be paying less as he is having a new family to support. Would she get additional tax credit money or something if her CSA payments were reduced ?

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/04/2008 12:21

"So AIBU to think my DH is being unreasonable in expecting ME to finance his ex-wifes luxury lifestyle" - yes, as you're not paying the CSA payments your husband is - they dont use your salary towards the calculation.

Did you not discuss finances before deciding to have a child, its an important aspect in making such a big decision.

He sounds like a good father and its great he willingly supports his first children. As for his ex's lifestyle, she may earn good money even working part time, she may get WTC etc - its not just maintenance that supports her family.

It doesnt sound like much of a drop anyway from the other posts so your hubby probably feels its not worth upsetting her over - after all the kids may already feel pushed out with the new arrival even if they dont say anything.

horsish · 10/04/2008 13:24

Willow from the details you give here it seems YUNBU

What reason does he give for him NOT goiong to CSA for reassessment?

have you spelled it out to him how upset you are that you will have to work more and not be with your baby so much?

A good friend was in EXACTLY your position when her first child was born.
her ex, H in an effort to be fair to his first wife and family ( ex wife left him for someone else) paid ex more than her fair share forcing my friend to go back to work full time.

Fast forward about 7 years and more of the same re ex wife and my friend had a nervous breakdown . The thing she said over ad over was " that b*stard (her dh) forced me back to work away from my baby and I can never get those years back"

His refusal to reassess payments to his ex drove a massive wedge between them.

|I do hope you can work this out and don't have to go back to work full time

TillyScoutsmum · 10/04/2008 13:37

YANBU - I am/have been in a similar position.

What are your dh's concerns about re-adjusting the payments in line with CSA calculations ? Does he genuinely believe it will effect his (first) dcs' lives ? Or is he concerned that that his ex will use it to be nasty about him to the dc's ?

imo - all of his children are equally important (obviously) and should be treated the same. As it stands, your dd will have her mum working full time and your dsc's will not.

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 13:42

It's hard.

I think on principle of financial clarity you ought to work within the law on maintenance payments so you should get your DH to go back to the CSA and get a revised amount for payments to his ex-wife. If you and your DH then decide that he wants to maintain the amount he pays for the children from his first marriage at the rate he was paying before you two had your daughter, it will be clear to everyone concerned that that is a voluntary payment that comes out of your and DH's money.

Does your DH's ex-wife work?

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 13:44

I think it is very, very difficult to judge fairness on a thread like this where we don't know the amounts involved (salaries of everyone concerned, quality of housing etc).

Judy1234 · 10/04/2008 14:12

I'm afraid in my view first families come first. Plenty of married men can't afford a third child with their wife and then they still form a new family and have a child they could never have afforded even when they just had one home to keep. Why should his first family suffer because he is taking on commitments he can't afford with you?

Secondly I think all women should work full time when they have babies as I always did. It's better for your relationship with your husband, more equal, less sexist. But do be aware if you divorce (60% of second marriages fail where there are children) if you earn more like me you have to pay to him on the divorce - that's the downside of going back to work and earning more than your ex husband as I know only too well.

nothing stops people paying more than the law provides. The law has no idea how much chidlren cost. I pay 100% for our 5 with no help and I work full time and on a daily basis their cost are hugs. CSA pathetic percentages are just completely ridiculous in terms of what chidlren cost. Plenty of people choose to pay more than those scales set out.

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