To be upset my hubby is insisting I go back to work full time even though ...

[Willowwisp]

We could manage me doing 4 days compressed into 3 with strict budgeting and if he went to the CSA again to get the 1/3 for OUR daughter taken from his salary?

Ok long story cut short coming up .... Hubby has ex-wife, has two children who I adore and get on famously with. Ex-wife is a complete loony who has made our lives, particularly mine a misery since we got together (they were split 3 years before we met). She thinks he is a personal bank for her to delve into when she see's fit, he has always paid for his children, never missed payments and pays half for everything, but she still wants more!

When we met he paid an outrageous amount of money to her (over £600), we wanted to get married, get mortgage, have a family of our own etc and he asked her to reduce money by £100, she said no (blamed me, she refers to me as the 'bitch' to his kids) so he went to the CSA and they reduced it for us, which was fair according to his salary.

We now have a daughter (8 mths) and I'm due to go back to work in 8 weeks, I can't bear the thought of it but know I have to, I want to go back part-time and he is insisting 'I have to get my head around full time' as we can't manage financially. Ex knows we could go to the CSA to get the other 1/3 taken of his salary for OUR daughter so she has been Mrs Nice since DD was born, calling him mate, sending pleasant text and it really fecks me off! He forgets that last year she told his kids he was a shit Dad!

He point blankly refuses to approach the CSA to see about getting the 1/3 taken off his salary, ex has massive 4 bed house, convertible car, works part time and lives a life of luxury, BUT I'm expected to struggle through. He say WE will have to cut down and DD doesn't need all the nice things I think she should have, like his kids do!

So AIBU to think my DH is being unreasonable in expecting ME to finance his ex-wifes luxury lifestyle and miss the most precious days of my daughters life to a CM?? all because he says we can't manage, when he knows what has to be done!

Any suggestions?

I am in similar position I work full time, miss out on seeing our DD. DH ex wife doesn't have a job, 2 car family, foreign holidays etc, basically has a much better standard of living than we do because we are so generous with child maintenace. But step kids live far away and we rely on goodwill of the X wife to facilitate contact etc. So essentially we buy her co-operation, she doesn't even bother to pretend that the maintenace is soley for the kids. It doesn't make me happy but I accept it because the alternative is to call her bluff pay CSA levels BUT if she stops contact my DH will blame me and this will affect our marriage.

on a daily basis their cost are hugs.

ooooh at the nasty Freudian slip

People do run these risks when they pick a spouse with children. You make your bed etc.... and I suppose some husbands marrying a second time do not want to be lumbered with maintenance for a 2nd time so they want to get the new wife out working full time so if they divorce she is paying to them not vice versa!

YANBU.

and he can't force you to work full time.

And some men want mother-of-their-children No 2 not to work precisely because they were so damn fed up of having a working wife who thought the world revolved around her and her career

There are all sorts, Xenia

As Annie said,his contributions won't drop by a third at all,it will be much less than that.
A relative had the reverse problem,thought her CSA payments would decrease sharply when Ex had another child,but in fact the amount was negligable.
I think you have to remember(however hard it is) that the money is to his children,not ex wife.And they don't have their father living with them,as your DD does.
I understand you not wanting to work full time though.
Perhaps the small drop in CSA payments plus moving mortgage etc would help?

'Secondly I think all women should work full time when they have babies as I always did. It's better for your relationship with your husband, more equal, less sexist.'

No, it's not. I felt like shit, stressed to the max, pissed off by not being able to spend as much time as I wanted on ANY one thing and exhausted.

I think you're coming from the perspective of someone who lives to work and loves her job more than most anything else.

Please understand that for many of us, that's not the case. It's just toil to pay bills, not some big statement about our own identity.

Personally I think that asserting that all women ought to work when they have babies is the most anti-woman, anti-feminist statement I have ever heard.

I've entered some figures on the CSA website to see what difference it makes to the maintenance payments reporting that you have a dd.

Obviously I have no idea what your dh earns but I picked a random amount of £350 net per week. Also I assumed less than 52 nights a year contact which may also be wrong. This translates as £70 per week maintenance without reporting your dd, or £60 per week with your dd. So an extra £40 per month. Or £480 per year.

I suggest if you haven't done it already that you go on the CSA website, enter the actual figures, work out how much less he will pay and see how that ties in with you needing extra income from working full time.

xenia. bless you just because you always did something, doesn't mean everyone else should.

i do agree with you to an extent though. Dhs Xp didn't ask you to get pregnant, they may not have been able to afford another child, she may not be able to afford another child just now , but the payment to her children reduces because you have a much loved and wanted baby. thats all very well - but £12 a week is a significant drop if you're on a limited income.

Plenty of people assert all women should stay home with babies though, don't they so I don't see why I can't put a contrary view. Why shouldn't a parent work? Men are forced to. Nothing about being female gives us some God given right not to work full time when men have to particularly when a man has chosen to have more children than he can afford. expat if you hate your work pick work you love in stead surely?

Hi

Thanks for the replies, I have been on the CSA website, didn't know I could use the calculator and this is how it works out.

£396 he pays each month (plus extras like half school trips, holidays etc)
£336 it will drop to taking DD into consideration?

He has to do a 120 mile round trip every weekend he has them, without any assistance from her and it can take up to 4 hours! Youngest DS came up this time with joggy bottoms swinging round his ankles and says he has no clothes to wear as they are all too small (she has the money to buy them but won't, however she is kitten out in the best stuff) so yet again, I feel sorry for him as he is 11 and I don't want him to feel rare in front of his mates, so I got him some that fit him, none of this is taken into consideration!

She has money coming out of her ears, she has just bought a house and is having an extension on it complete with hot tub and swimming pool!! A swimming pool FFS!! She spends no time with her children as she spends most of it at the gym, her 76 year old mother does most of the care ..... now can you see why I'm so pissed off!!

Some other questions answered:

DH is worried that she will stop him from seeing the children again, she stopped him for 16 weeks once because his shifts changed (compulsory) and he couldn't have them every other weekend, but sometimes could three weekends on the trot, she didn't agree with this, what is he supposed to do FFS, he is a policeman and they are not going to change the shift pattern to suit her!

We spent 4 years, 3 IVF cycles and a lot of money to get DD and I want to spend the same time with her as his ex did, she went back to work PT why shouldn't I? I can't have anymore children now and I will never get these years back!

Once she goes to nursery or school, I will of course go back to work full time with family friendly hours, I just want to spend quality time with her now.

Yes work will let me compress 4 into 3 days.

Xenia - Why should I not have a child because she expects us to keep her luxury lifestyle going, you really do live in a dream world!! I'm glad you enjoy your career, however I WANT to spend time with my DD and go to work less if I can. But you are entitled to you opinion, which you obviously enjoy putting across!!!

Anyway, after all that is it worth the hassle of her flipping her lid and screaming at me down the phone via DH, for £60 ME THINKS NOT! She can politely shove her £60 up her arse and I will just have to cut down on something else!

Xenia, please tell me your last comment directed at Expat was said tongue in cheek?

If you honestly believe that it's as easy as that then you really are completely out of touch with reality.

There are millions of people in this country working long hours in miserable conditions just to pay the bills. They do not have the luxury of choice in what they do. If they gave up their jobs, their children would not eat. It's as simple as that.

600 wouldn't even cover the childcare.

Just to be clear. I was not suggesting that Expat has a miserable life. I was just addressing Xenia's point addressed to her!

Xenia, I've gone right off you.

It is every bit as wrong for you to assert that all women should work full time after they have babies as it has ever been for anyone else to insist they should stay at home. Perhaps even more so considering your sex.

"pick work you love instead, surely": I would love work that allowed me to sit on a sofa all day scoffing chocolates and watching TV but I don't think anyone would pay me what I'm worth for doing that.

by expat earlier

"Please understand that for many of us, that's not the case. It's just toil to pay bills, not some big statement about our own identity."

couldn't be truer

You don't argue a good case Xenia...

As a child of divorced parents I was stuck in the middle of a similar scenario. My father and his girlfriend - later wife would say in my hearing that we were sent in old rags and wondered what my mother was spending the money on. I knew that we didn't have two pennies to rub together and Mum was having a v tough time. I suspect people may have thought she was having a fine old time, but she wasn't going to be walking around looking sad and poor everyday.

So, I'm afraid I'm with your dh, I wish on a daily basis that I'd had a father who cared like your dh obviously does.

I agree with Xenia that the first family comes first. 600 a month is only 7200 a year, so if the ex is living a luxurious lifestyle it's not down to this money... Children cost hundreds and hundreds of thousands. Your husband's EX will be covering the majority of the cost of bringing their child up.

In a PERFECT WORLD I agree that all women should work etc etc, but many have such low paid jobs that the salary doesn't cover the childcare.

I allowed myself to be talked into leaving my job. I know I would have protected myself better if I'd continued to work, but if I had done that I would have spent the last five years operating at a financial loss, too busy to fart and I would have missed the first five years of my children's lives too.

The choice to work is an easier and more obvious one when the salary is attractive. This is not the case for the VAST majority of mothers.

£600 a mnoth is a pathetic contribution from a father to his first children. If he can't afford more he should get a second job not remarry, nor waste thousands on IVF he should have spent on his first children, when he can't afford to keep his first family. I don't think second wives have any idea how hard it is and expensive it is for the first family. But his mistake was allowing the first wife to give up work and marrying someone idle and who earned less than him. Let's hope he doesn't make the same mistake second time round. May be you could work full time and he stays at home. Plenty of nasty fathers do that actually because then they don't have to pay anything more than about £5 child support a week!!

Xenia, are you for real?
All women should work full time and hand over their children to someone else to be looked after ?
Working to earn money to live or because you enjoy your career is one thing, working to prove a point about equality or sexism is very different. Who actually does this?

For the record, I am a sahm and my relationship with my dh is a partnership
He is responsable for the financial side, I am responsable for childcare, the running of the house etc.
How is this situation less desirable or more inequal than yours ?

I'd agree with you 100% if my DH could b/feed so that I wasnt burdened with all of it AND working full time...... See that would be sexist.

at xenia. Are you deliberately setting out to be controversial this evening and to upset as many people as possible?