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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my hubby is insisting I go back to work full time even though ...

194 replies

Willowwisp · 10/04/2008 11:11

We could manage me doing 4 days compressed into 3 with strict budgeting and if he went to the CSA again to get the 1/3 for OUR daughter taken from his salary?

Ok long story cut short coming up .... Hubby has ex-wife, has two children who I adore and get on famously with. Ex-wife is a complete loony who has made our lives, particularly mine a misery since we got together (they were split 3 years before we met). She thinks he is a personal bank for her to delve into when she see's fit, he has always paid for his children, never missed payments and pays half for everything, but she still wants more!

When we met he paid an outrageous amount of money to her (over £600), we wanted to get married, get mortgage, have a family of our own etc and he asked her to reduce money by £100, she said no (blamed me, she refers to me as the 'bitch' to his kids) so he went to the CSA and they reduced it for us, which was fair according to his salary.

We now have a daughter (8 mths) and I'm due to go back to work in 8 weeks, I can't bear the thought of it but know I have to, I want to go back part-time and he is insisting 'I have to get my head around full time' as we can't manage financially. Ex knows we could go to the CSA to get the other 1/3 taken of his salary for OUR daughter so she has been Mrs Nice since DD was born, calling him mate, sending pleasant text and it really fecks me off! He forgets that last year she told his kids he was a shit Dad!

He point blankly refuses to approach the CSA to see about getting the 1/3 taken off his salary, ex has massive 4 bed house, convertible car, works part time and lives a life of luxury, BUT I'm expected to struggle through. He say WE will have to cut down and DD doesn't need all the nice things I think she should have, like his kids do!

So AIBU to think my DH is being unreasonable in expecting ME to finance his ex-wifes luxury lifestyle and miss the most precious days of my daughters life to a CM?? all because he says we can't manage, when he knows what has to be done!

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 12/04/2008 19:19

Same here but at a different end of the income scale. My choice of course and also on the housing issue - I need a bigger house than if the children didn't live with me even though 2 share a room so even things like the mortgage which you might say is to house myself not the children is really to house his 5 children. I could actually despite our court order 12 months after divorce go to the CSA and get 20% of whatever pittance he earns but I think it would be more trouble than it's worth. Why he thinks it's reasonable to get nearly £900k from me and choose to pay nothing to the children is weird.

Also some father forget when children aren't with them the day to day financial demands. They aren't always huge in themselves - £2 to buy something or other but it all mounts up and if you don't live with the children you just don't have all that to sort out. But really over all had I done what my sister did and use a sperm donor we woudl be hugely better off because they I wouldn't have all that loan taken out to pay him the £900k.

(If I ever become a step mother I suppose it's conceivable I might change my views but I've had too many dinners with men showing off about things - like the one telling me how he had hidden his money offshore so his children and ex wife don't get it as if that makes him very clever and desirable.

Rowlers · 12/04/2008 19:21

nine hundred thousand pounds?

zippitippitoes · 12/04/2008 19:59
Smile
PersephoneSnape · 12/04/2008 20:11

NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS!!!!

you might actually be able to buy my entire street for that!!

(actually i just worked it out - you could buy my house 15 times over! good lord!)

Judy1234 · 12/04/2008 20:38

Yes, well my mortgage is well over a million and I would have had no mortgage at all by now if he hadn't been so greedy but that's men for you. Take you for every penny you have and more on a divorce. One reason every woman should be a good little housewife and never work and then she won't have to pay out to men on divorce may be....

frankiesbestfriend · 12/04/2008 20:44

A good little housewife?
How patronising...

I think it begins to sound as though bitterness from a personal situation is colouring your judgement when you write 'that's men for you'...

Saveme · 12/04/2008 20:53

Ah Xenia, I've just worked out now why you always seem so bloody bitter

TheCoderator · 12/04/2008 20:53

oh im nored of this thread

Nighbynight · 12/04/2008 20:54

lol at the man boasting to a divorced woman, about hiding his money from his ex.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2008 20:56

the moral of this thread is: don't touch blokes with kids from other marriages/relationships with a ten-foot bargepole unless they are rich.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2008 20:56

the moral of this thread is: don't touch blokes with kids from other marriages/relationships with a ten-foot bargepole unless they are rich.

Saveme · 12/04/2008 20:57

My favourite line was this:

"Why marry someone who doesn't earn much?"

Why indeed? Because money is everything, isn't it...

hifi · 12/04/2008 21:10

wow xenia, i always thought you were a big old fibber, now i know you arnt. feel a little sorry for you now.

duomonstermum · 12/04/2008 21:17

i feel sorry for you xenia as you obviously feel that a mans worth is in his wallet. fyi, when he got married first time round he could afford his kids. when we got together , he could afford his kids. when we had DS, he could afford his kids. when we had DD, he could afford his kids. it meant working all the hours god sent in shitty jobs with crappy pay but that's what he did to make sure that all the maintenance was paid and they had everything that they needed, to the extent that he asked the csa to take the money straight from his wages so that it was paid on time. now that DCs are older it means that we can do the things that we had to put on hold, just so that they had the basics. now he can think of lifting his nose from the grindstone long enough to pursue his own ambitions. there are some men out there who will do anything for their kids, even take jobs that only pay minimum wage despite it not being what they want to do. but they do it anyway.

fyi, when we met i had a job offer for the post of research assistant, with great pay and perks. but it meant moving to another country. his kids would have had more money but no father. would this be good enough for you xenia? he would have been forfilling his financial obligations but he wouldn't be there. so i made the decision that we would stay, because i fell in love with a man who put his family before money. i would have been happy to work and pay towards their upkeep, they were part of the deal when i met him. he never hid them and i always knew that they came first. we even moved to be closer to where they lived so that he could be a part of their lives. money sure helps, but it is nothing if your children don't know you. it is not the most important thing. i say this coming from a country where there is no such thing as social security. you worked or you starved. if you were lucky enough to have a good job,then big whoop for you. some of us choose the option that gives us some self respect, even if the pay is shite.

fyi, they are now living with us because they are "fed up with mummy not being there". this was not done lightly and it has been extremely stressful. his ex isn't helping financially even though there is a court order that states that if they come to live with us she is liable for child support. but hey, she's not a man... she had no existing financial obligation, did she? so it must be ok for her to shirk her responsibilities, i mean it's not like it's damaging the kids.... as for mothers spending 100% of their income, most of them do and do it well. we just happen to have one who believes that we should not only pay maintenance and buy them clothes etc., we should be grateful to do it. do you know what, i resent that. if it wasn't for her mum telling us that her daughter was making mugs out of us DH would still be feeling grateful to be allowed to see his own kids.we have always asked what they need and bought it, down to their knickers and socks. it's what you do when you have kids. i would expect the same for DS and DD.

i find it very offensive that you come down so hard on the 2nd families. his ex went on to have more kids that she couldn't afford. so how come you don't spout on about that? how is it you feel qualified to have a go at step parents when you aren't even one? i would never presume to comment on being a lone parent, i've never been one. when you have walked in our (step-parent) shoes, we'll see how you feel then. when you have been through the tears and the stress of being in court fighting for the basic right to be a part of your own childs life without being held to ransom then we'll see. until then please kindly refrain from unkind comments about a situation you have never been in.

zippitippitoes · 12/04/2008 21:21

what is the repayment on a million pound mortgage

does that mean you earn 3 million a year

zippitippitoes · 12/04/2008 21:22

no thats wrong isnt it lol it means like at least 350k

zippitippitoes · 12/04/2008 21:22

can see why i earn notjhing

frankiesbestfriend · 12/04/2008 22:29

I can so understand both povs on this thread, the careful balance needed between 1st/2nd families, only felt the need to put my two pence worth in by some fairly offensive postings.

Judy1234 · 12/04/2008 22:31

duo, I don't really but obviously my position is hugely different because I married for love someone who always earned a lot less that I did who then chose not to have a relationship with his children after divorce; so from here it looks like that wasn't such a good choice. I admire men like your husband who move to nearer their children. In fact I think there should be a law restricting mothers from moving away with the children from where their husband lives as far too many of them make contact hard by moving abroad or moving 300 miles away. Plenty of non resident mothers pay child support. I know two men whose children live with them 100% of the time - in one case the mother just upped and left with her lover and in the other the children chose the father over the mother and they were old enough in law to make that choice.

I think being a step parent must be very hard. 65% of second marriages where there are children fail because often just over this step parent issue. It's why people like expat say avoid men with children at all costs.

Yes, N, he'd spent about 2 hours talking about the divorce including his explanation for the minor domestic violence on his part when he found her and her lover together, at the end which probably wasn't really up to much but his wife obviously used it to keep him away from the children and then we had all the bits about tax havens etc and I don't mind talking about tax (it's better than ex wives I suppose) so may be that's why he thought he'd go into that.

JoJoMaman · 12/04/2008 23:02

I have no idea what the story is here with Xenia, but I think I would be annoyed and rather bitter if I had to hand 900k over to my ex, brought our five children up alone, and covered all expenses, whilst he walked off into the sunset!

Willowwisp, what is the issue here? Are you upset about the whole ex wife thing and need to sound off, or would you like some help and support in finding a solution to the FT/PT issue?

Heated · 12/04/2008 23:06

I like JoJoMaman's posts on here; she sounds so wise and even-tempered

emj23 · 12/04/2008 23:11

I think it's very unfair to say that first families should come first. Surely if someone leaves a relationship and goes on to have more children with a new partner, those children are just important as the first ones.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2008 23:14

'I think it's very unfair to say that first families should come first.'

I disagree. They made a commitment to those children first. And if that means they can't afford to have any other children in order to honour the commitment they made to those kids, then I fail to see what is unfair about that.

It's selfish and wrong to those children if you sacrifice providing the best you can for them because of your own selfish desires to procreate even more knowing you can't afford to.

Don't like it? Find someone else to mate with.

'Surely if someone leaves a relationship and goes on to have more children with a new partner, those children are just important as the first ones. '

A respectful, mature, thoughtful and responsible person doesn't go and have kids with someone else if it means they can't do the best to those they brought into the world already.

flowertops · 12/04/2008 23:18

I would really appreciate some advice/feedback! My 9 year old DS has been invited swimming next week with a friend for his birthday and 6 others. Sounds OK except it's in a huge public pool with only one adult. DS can just about swim. He really wants to go - the cinema follows swimming!! I have suggested going along but he is of course reticent. Other parents seem to think I'm overreacting! Am I?

emj23 · 12/04/2008 23:18

But there are men who pay what they're supposed to for their first children and still want to have more with their new partner. The amount they can afford to pay then tends to go down but it's not like the children of the OP's exH are then going to be living in penury. It just means that her DD gets what she's entitled to as well.